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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to visiting inlaws so often

234 replies

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:53

Dh and I have a baby who is 6 months old. The inlaws have been visiting to see our baby every other weekend but now dh wants us to visit them every other weekend instead. His reasoning is that he wants our baby to get used to the car journey. They live 45 mins away.

Back story: we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years! I don't have any family and so I agreed but resented it. Imagine having no weekends to yourself for years! And it was never just popping in for tea, it was always a whole day thing. I did say a lot that I didn't want to go and for him to go by himself, but he wouldn't. It was either I go with him or he wouldn't go at all. I was frightened of being seen as coming between him and his family hence why I reluctantly agreed.

Since covid and now having a baby, I haven't had to go over. I don't mind them coming to us but I don't want to go there. My first thought was to alternate so they come here and then we go there but I don't even want to do that! I feel like I'm being a child stamping their foot. So please tell me if I am!

I'm thinking of saying I will go once every 3 months but is that horrible of me? Aibu to suggest that?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:13

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2023 08:10

Not a chance on earth would I go.
Not. A. Chance.
He doesn't get to police what you do every other weekend.
He can go with the baby, or not at all, that's his choice.

This is how I'm feeling at the moment. After 10 years of feeling like I was forced to go, I just don't want to do it anymore.

Would never stop them coming to us as often as they want or him visiting them with the baby but I just don't want to do it.

I feel its so difficult because I don't want to cause problems. The suggestion of alternating every 3 weeks seems good but they seem to have gotten into this structured visiting pattern now so not sure how to change it without upset.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 24/04/2023 08:13

There’s things I’d rather be doing than sitting about at the PILs but the maintenance of our relationship with them as a family trumps that.

I’m one of several who suggested once a month sounds fair. Full disclosure, my PILs live 200 miles away and we see them about once every 4 months. This is due to several factors, the distance, DH and my busy self employment (often at weekends), our kids busy extra curricular schedule, and not least the PILs very busy social commitments and frequent holidays.

When we do see them, because of the distance and infrequency of visits, we invariably stay for a long weekend. It‘a ok, it’s become more pleasant over the years, but I’d MUCH rather they were 45 minutes away and we could have a much less intense shorter visit more frequently. A loose schedule of a day once a month strikes me as a pleasant balance.

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 24/04/2023 08:14

cpphelp · 24/04/2023 07:58

@ViviPru - once a month? When you're a grandparent, would you be happy with only seeing your grandchild and son 12 times a year?

I would hope, when my sons are grown and they have children that they prioritise their partner and children. I would be thrilled with a visit once a month!

Naunet · 24/04/2023 08:14

cpphelp · 24/04/2023 07:58

@ViviPru - once a month? When you're a grandparent, would you be happy with only seeing your grandchild and son 12 times a year?

They can see them both more than that, but it doesn’t mean OP has to.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2023 08:16

' I don't want to cause problems'

Please consider your thought process here. Why do you think you are the o r causing problems? Surely it's him causing problems? The problem is he is continuing after ten years to control your weekends. HE is the one causing problems. You're not. You're not stopping them going.

ViviPru · 24/04/2023 08:16

Naunet · 24/04/2023 08:14

They can see them both more than that, but it doesn’t mean OP has to.

Show quote history

This.

LBOCS2 · 24/04/2023 08:17

We see my MIL once a fortnight, she and her partner come over on Friday after work, we get a takeaway together and she spends time with the DC. It works well but I certainly wouldn't want to increase it! When DM was alive I used to spend one Sunday a fortnight with her, and it coincided with DH dropping DSS back with his mum.

I think once a fortnight is perfectly reasonable, even more so if you are able to not spend the whole day there - ie do something else in the morning and head over early afternoon. Even more reasonable would be to suggest that they come to you every second visit.

Naunet · 24/04/2023 08:18

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:10

I have been to visit them in the last 4 years but just no where near as often. For example, mothers/fathers day, birthdays, Christmas, bbqs etc

And it's not that I would only see them every 3 months. At the moment we see them every two weeks. I'm suggesting I would only see them once a month when they visit us and the other visit dh would go with baby and I would join occasionally.

But yes, I definitely feel my situation of having no family probably clouds my judgement.

I think that’s perfectly reasonable OP. Your husband needs to take your son on his own if he wants to go that often.

Lampzade · 24/04/2023 08:19

Your dh should visit with the baby. it is not as though you have stopped him visiting his family
Why should you be forced to visit?

batsandeggs · 24/04/2023 08:22

Once a month sounds reasonable. I feel you on this. We got to the stage where my MIL was visiting three times a week - it was unbearable. Once a month with partner and baby visiting on their own whenever sounds absolutely fine.

mosiacmaker · 24/04/2023 08:23

Please read the OP! She just said she wants to go to THEIRS every 3 months but this is in the context of them also visiting her.

I think best approach is alternate them coming to you and your DH going to them. That way you get every second weekend free. Then you go with him every 4/5th time - so that you get at least 2 weekends a month off from seeing them (and have a rest from baby too).

Might be easier than every three months then you can work up to that as DC gets a bit older.

I think the main thing you should put your foot down about is that you get at least two weekends a month completely in-law free. If he wants to see his parents more than that then he goes to them.

Careerdilemma · 24/04/2023 08:25

Make your own plans like he does with his hobbies. Bet you anything he will be round at his parents with baby in tow in a shot if you're off doing a hobby/seeing friends or whatever.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:26

Thanks everyone for the suggestions. It's good to get other opinions.

I've not even thought about what it will be like when I go back to work and having so much less time.

OK how about this for example:

Say 6th May, they come to us
20th May, dh and baby go to them without me
3rd June they come to us
17th June, dh me and baby go to visit them

And repeat.

Is that reasonable? I will see them every month guaranteed when they visit us. Dh and baby will see them twice a month (or more if he wanted to go more). And I will see them twice every other month.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 24/04/2023 08:27

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:26

Thanks everyone for the suggestions. It's good to get other opinions.

I've not even thought about what it will be like when I go back to work and having so much less time.

OK how about this for example:

Say 6th May, they come to us
20th May, dh and baby go to them without me
3rd June they come to us
17th June, dh me and baby go to visit them

And repeat.

Is that reasonable? I will see them every month guaranteed when they visit us. Dh and baby will see them twice a month (or more if he wanted to go more). And I will see them twice every other month.

Sounds reasonable. How is it likely to go down with your DH?

Quveas · 24/04/2023 08:28

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:10

I have been to visit them in the last 4 years but just no where near as often. For example, mothers/fathers day, birthdays, Christmas, bbqs etc

And it's not that I would only see them every 3 months. At the moment we see them every two weeks. I'm suggesting I would only see them once a month when they visit us and the other visit dh would go with baby and I would join occasionally.

But yes, I definitely feel my situation of having no family probably clouds my judgement.

I don't think I really understand your position, but how about getting MIL /FIL on board? Have a nice conversation with MIL (without DH) saying how much you enjoy seeing them and you want babay to be especially close to them, but you are really struggling with being a new mum and never having any "me time", and how very much you'd love just one day to yourself to potter, get your nails done or whatever. And you know that they are utterly trustworthy and would take good care of DH and baby, so would they mind awfully if one of the days you didn't come so you could have a little time to yourself. Insert whatever other flattery will work to get them on board and get THEM to tell DH this is what they would love.

ViviPru · 24/04/2023 08:28

<ponders how I can convince DH to take the DC to the PILs for the day twice a month - sounds HEAVEN>

FishChipsMushyPeas · 24/04/2023 08:29

Growing up we used to go to my grandparents (my dads parents) every other Saturday and I hated it, especially as I got older. Full Saturdays wasted is how it felt as in the morning we were just sitting waiting to go.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:29

Careerdilemma · 24/04/2023 08:25

Make your own plans like he does with his hobbies. Bet you anything he will be round at his parents with baby in tow in a shot if you're off doing a hobby/seeing friends or whatever.

This is a good idea. He gets his time to do his hobbies so I should equally get time to do mine. But it's just my things are at home. For example, cooking, gardening, I like to tidy and organise things (yes I know I'm boring but that's another thread!).

OP posts:
SallyWD · 24/04/2023 08:29

ShandaLear · 24/04/2023 08:06

He wants you to look after the baby and do all the chatting/helping with the parents, so he can sit back, watch the TV, and look like the good son.

I'm glad you know him so well.

MeridianB · 24/04/2023 08:29

If the roles were reversed I doubt he’d miss a beat before telling you to take the baby to see your parents without him. So don’t feel bad.

Can you explain that you don’t want to be locked into a pattern of visits again?

I suspect he’s badgering you to visit because he find it dull/hard work on his own. But that’s not a good enough reason.

Is there a compromise like meeting them in a nice park halfway now and again?

Rosula · 24/04/2023 08:29

He is right about getting the baby used to the car as it will be helpful in the long run.

What's the big deal about getting used to the car, @Hiddenvoice? It's not like it's some difficult skill which needs to be mastered as early as possible. Babies all over the world get used to cars without making special 1.5 hour round trips every other week.

Joystir59 · 24/04/2023 08:30

How do you ever get anything in your own life/garden/home done with such frequent visits?

Lampzade · 24/04/2023 08:31

Rosula · 24/04/2023 08:29

He is right about getting the baby used to the car as it will be helpful in the long run.

What's the big deal about getting used to the car, @Hiddenvoice? It's not like it's some difficult skill which needs to be mastered as early as possible. Babies all over the world get used to cars without making special 1.5 hour round trips every other week.

He can take the baby by himself if he wants him to get used to the car.

APseudonymNeeded · 24/04/2023 08:33

I’d have been really upset if DH hadn’t wanted to come with me to see DM. We’d often meet at DM’s with DSis & her DC, have lunch & the DC would play. They were lovely times. Sadly we don’t do it so often now with teens, work, health issues etc & I miss it.

JussathoB · 24/04/2023 08:33

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:26

Thanks everyone for the suggestions. It's good to get other opinions.

I've not even thought about what it will be like when I go back to work and having so much less time.

OK how about this for example:

Say 6th May, they come to us
20th May, dh and baby go to them without me
3rd June they come to us
17th June, dh me and baby go to visit them

And repeat.

Is that reasonable? I will see them every month guaranteed when they visit us. Dh and baby will see them twice a month (or more if he wanted to go more). And I will see them twice every other month.

The suggestions being made all sound good. However I would avoid saying husband and baby can visit his parents extra ‘whenever’. Surely there might be priorities with his wife, baby, house etc which might need to come first.