To say no to visiting inlaws so often

[PinkMonday]

Dh and I have a baby who is 6 months old. The inlaws have been visiting to see our baby every other weekend but now dh wants us to visit them every other weekend instead. His reasoning is that he wants our baby to get used to the car journey. They live 45 mins away.

Back story: we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years! I don't have any family and so I agreed but resented it. Imagine having no weekends to yourself for years! And it was never just popping in for tea, it was always a whole day thing. I did say a lot that I didn't want to go and for him to go by himself, but he wouldn't. It was either I go with him or he wouldn't go at all. I was frightened of being seen as coming between him and his family hence why I reluctantly agreed.

Since covid and now having a baby, I haven't had to go over. I don't mind them coming to us but I don't want to go there. My first thought was to alternate so they come here and then we go there but I don't even want to do that! I feel like I'm being a child stamping their foot. So please tell me if I am!

I'm thinking of saying I will go once every 3 months but is that horrible of me? Aibu to suggest that?

We used to visit a grandparent every week when I was a kid and I can tell you from my persepective, it was not fun. They didn't really interact with me (I used to be sent to play in another room when I got older) and I know my parent who was not the child of this grandparent resented the weekly routine. It left us with no family time at weekends really.
Tell your DH that you (and the baby when they are older) want to ENJOY seeing his parents, not resent it. Therefore it's better if visits aren't rigidly structured and not as frequent so that when you do spend time with them, everyone enjoys it. Otherwise it's too easy to fall into the mindset that it's a chore, an obligation and not a fun outing. You could also sometimes invite them to little outings like if you have nice parks near you or walks to go on.

Well that sound eminently fair, @PinkMonday .

You aren't stopping your husband or baby from seeing your In~ laws, I should stick to it.

In all honesty, the In Laws probably will like it!

My MIL definitely liked it 😂

It all sounds really suffocating.

I'd hate to see the same people over and over so often.

Do you not have friends that you'd also like to see and spend time with at the weekend? Don't your in laws have a social life of their own?

When you're with the in laws, what does your dh do? Is he fully engaged with them or does he leave you alone with them?

Interesting that he's prepared to go off by himself and do his hobbies alone but won't visit his parents alone.

I think once a month is plenty to see them and for half a day.

I think it's really important your cultivate friendships with other people and families so your dc get to meet and hang out with all sorts of people.

A really liberating moment for me was knowing that I would get blamed for things the in laws didn't like and NOT CARING. Seriously, who cares?! They still have to put up with you. So go when you feel like it. Otherwise he really must go on his own. Invite them over every now and again to break this two week pattern. Eg. invite them for 3 weeks time, saying you've got something on in 2 weeks so you can't visit them then. Just start changing up this whole fortnight habit. get some flexibility in there. It sounds stifling.

It's fair for the whole family to visit grandparents once per month, I think.
If the baby has a cold or if the grandparents do then you and the baby stay home and let your husband go to see his parents alone.
Vary the visit by meeting at a play park somewhere in the middle for a picnic a few times per year.

Welcome the grandparents to visit no more than once per month too.
You and husband could plan to go out every now and again while the grandparents play with the child for a couple of hours. You can always have a friend over at the same time too
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Be flexible and enjoy the baby having an extended family while protecting your privacy on other, regular weekends.

What have you got against seeing his family?
I would think, after all this time, you would be family enough yourself now and be able to make plans with them without your husband taking charge.

Could you try bringing it up with your In Laws when you're there - making statements like 'I'm going to spend the next couple of weeks catching up with the gardening - I thought it might be nice if DH brought baby over on his own next time so you don't miss out on seeing them'?

That way you avoid the 'she's stopping him from seeing us' as you've already told them he can come on his own. You've given a reason for not coming and you're setting the precedent for him coming with the baby on his own.

Yes. With FaceTime, Portal, Skype you can see and talk with grandchildren without having to visit in person for hours. My dgc are at football, rugby, hockey, swimming, horse riding and playing with their friends at weekends, visiting granny for a whole day would be utter boredom.

OP your DH can visit on his own or take the baby to visit, you can’t live your weekends around grandparents and as your child grows you’ll find they have a weekend social life you have to facilitate.

I would bin any sort of structured rota for visiting, but imo it is good for kids to be close to their grandparents and the only way that happens is regular contact so I would make an effort for them see them at least once a fortnight - either at yours/theirs and with/without you there.

But it is also important they see you there regularly too, maybe not every visit but not only a couple of times a year either, so they see them as part of their extended family unit rather than just someone they visit with dad.

This sounds absolutely awful I honestly would not be with a man who dictated that two weekends a month out of four I had to travel to his parents . Fuck that ! I don’t think this is a normal set up at all stand up for yourself and say you will see them once a month and each month alternate who does the travel

With the benefit of having older dc, I would suggest for now that you alternate and aim to see each other fortnightly. If dh wants to go more often then he can.

I would also- without saying anything- look for dc hobbies that train/compete on weekends and when you've found a few, start extolling the virtues of said hobby/sport. When dh is on board with some you can discover together that dc will need to be available for it. Gp still come to you if they like but dc needs to be home.

You also have school, friendships, parties etc that dc will want to be available for, so I would compromise for the next few years.

If you want them to be close, your attitude needs to change. They’ll barely know them if they see them once every 3 months. My baby sees all of her grandparents, aunties and cousins every week, usually more than once. I’m not always there and my husband isn’t always there and it’s not done according to a rigid timetable either. Why be so intense about it?

No need to have such a structured schedule of when to visit. But yeah, once every couple of months seems fine. And he can take baby whenever he wants to give you a break. Strange for him to never want to go without you. My in-laws are amazing but I still don’t want to spend a whole day with them each other week.

I'm sorry I think this sounds bizarre, YADNBU in my opinion.

Christ. Twice a year is more than enough to see my own parents, never mind someone else's 😂.
Why does a grown man need to see his parents so much?

As for seeing their grandchild, they've had their babies. This is your baby. Surely they can see you're going to be hanging out doing things together, not visiting your in laws 🥱.

IMO, you're adults, life is busy, he may go see his parents if he reaaaalllyyy needs to see them 🤨
You and baby will be off having weekend fun 🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️

Why does a grown man need to see his parents so much?

Why not? I don't think there's anything wrong with an adult wanting to see so much of their parents. But he shouldn't try and dictate to the OP that she should accompany him on each visit. That's the issue.

I see my mum about every 3 months because we live over 200 miles away from one another. I'd see her much more regularly if it was possible.

YANBU to not want a strict schedule, but honestly I find it a bit upsetting as a mother of boys that when they grow up and have children, it's likely to be the parents of their wife/girlfriend who is prioritised.

I would say that if DH wants a schedule then he can have it, but he'll have to accept that sometimes it'll just be him, or him and the baby going, and that you can't sacrifice one weekend day a fortnight for his parents but understand if he wants to.

For reference DH's dad lives locally so he popped round for a couple of hours yesterday. No plans for me to go too! He's not coming to mum's either when I go in May.

Once a month seems reasonable, especially if you can tie in visits with something such as a birthday of one of you.

I think you must say you cannot give up one day every other w/e, particularly when you are back at work, You want to see friends, have time to yourself when H can mind the baby (assuming this happens, doesn't sound like it ) You are married, not joined at the hip, you are individuals, they are his parents, you don't want this fortnightly ritual to become set in stone.
You plan up post seems fair.

His reasoning was that he just doesn't want to spend the day away from me but he will spend the day away from me doing his hobbies so it doesn't make sense!
he’s just full of shit really so you should call him on it. I suggest your plan sounds ok, BUT you will only go on the travel to then weekend if he’s made sure you’ve had weekend time at home while he actively minds baby so you can get on with it. If not, ‘oh such a shame but I really must get a chance to do some stuff, I’m not suggesting you quit your hobbies but you must support me to have some time and you going to your parents will be perfect.
him: I don’t like being apart from you.
you: what a crock of absolute shit. You are perfectly happy being apart from me doing your hobbies, it just suits you that I come so you make up this guff. I’m a person not your service human, they are your parents and go visit them but whatever happens you have baby that day and I’m doing my own thing just like you get to do a lot of the time.
as for ‘they have to get used to the car’?? ‘Good idea, can you take Monday off? I thought we should tour the local schools and ask if any can take her for a half day to get used to it. Or maybe everything can wait it’s time, including ‘getting used to get trips’. We aren’t training a guide dog here. ‘

Let husband go and take the baby. My parents are over 200 miles away and I would love to see them every weekend, except every three months, if we are lucky.

That sounds like torture to me. How do you get anything done going there so often?
Let him take the baby on his own and have a day off.

I would never ever want to be this structured ! What if you go through a rough patch and need some family time ? What if one weekend someone is ill? What abouy when the baby is a child and has birthday parties or wants to go out and donthings ? It needs to be more flexible than this I think, your husband needs to see that it can't be this structured forever.

It’s good to have some boundaries and push back, albeit gently, now and again as it can cause resentment when trapped into regular visits such that you miss out on other things.

SIL and BIL ended up having to do duty visits every weekend to MIL who considered that SIL lived in too poor an area to visit that she only visited their home twice in 10 years, even though it was only a few miles away. (When they got some cash together to decorate it nicely she moaned about that too). Their DCs resented being dragged to see MIL (eventually got to hear about her dissing their home) and now they hardly ever want to see her.

Luckily we live too far away for all this duty visit malarkey.

What a cretin he is!

He probably doesn't want to care for the baby by himself and deal with them on the trip.

Tell him that if he misses you so much, he can swap out his hobbies with family visits instead.

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 the OP isn't suggesting that GPs only see the baby every 3 months, the OP was saying that she would only go to GPs house every 3 months, GPs were free to come to them and DH was free to take baby to theirs, it was only OP reducing her visits to them

What is annoying is that our baby is ok with travelling in the car! Especially if I am sat in the back whilst Dh is driving. So I don't understand the need for her to get used to it! And like you said, some children just don't like it anyway so what's the pressure about.