To say no to visiting inlaws so often

[PinkMonday]

Dh and I have a baby who is 6 months old. The inlaws have been visiting to see our baby every other weekend but now dh wants us to visit them every other weekend instead. His reasoning is that he wants our baby to get used to the car journey. They live 45 mins away.

Back story: we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years! I don't have any family and so I agreed but resented it. Imagine having no weekends to yourself for years! And it was never just popping in for tea, it was always a whole day thing. I did say a lot that I didn't want to go and for him to go by himself, but he wouldn't. It was either I go with him or he wouldn't go at all. I was frightened of being seen as coming between him and his family hence why I reluctantly agreed.

Since covid and now having a baby, I haven't had to go over. I don't mind them coming to us but I don't want to go there. My first thought was to alternate so they come here and then we go there but I don't even want to do that! I feel like I'm being a child stamping their foot. So please tell me if I am!

I'm thinking of saying I will go once every 3 months but is that horrible of me? Aibu to suggest that?

😂thank you! Yes I love them once per 6 weeks kinda love.

This.

It’s not rude to not have a strict schedule for visiting family. You’re imposing rules on yourself unnecessarily (and allowing your husband and your in laws to do it too).

I’m like you, I like the boring home stuff. Housework, cooking, gardening. I also travel a lot in the week and get motion sick, so sometimes when the weekend rolls around I really don’t fancy another long car trip! I love and look up to my in laws, there’s no problem with the actual relationship.

let him take the baby himself, he’ll get to grips with it.

Once every 3 months is bordering rude! You're ok with them running round after you but not you popping in to visit them? Fast forward 20 years and think about how you'd feel being the in laws and the same thing happening.

I don't know why I didn't say anything at the time. I'm just scared of seeming like I am causing trouble. When we started dating he stopped visiting his aunty and uncle, only because he didn't have time. I would encourage him to go but he never did. I 100% know I got blamed for it because comments were made at a wedding once. So I think this is the reason why I've kept quiet.

However, now I've had a baby and realise how precious time is because there isn't enough of it so I want to put myself first sometimes.

Oven clean is good - remind DH that DC needs to get used to time without you and visiting his parents is perfect time for this.

You realise that you don't need an excuse to say no, right?

Your DH is not the "boss" of you. He doesn't get to dictate what you do with your time and where you go. He doesn't get to "tell" you that your weekends will be spent like this.

I think this needs pointing out to him very clearly.

Your time. Your choice.

And I can't bear men who refuse to do family visiting without their wives. It's pathetic.

Yes I think you are right. Which is why I wanted to post on here to get a sense check. Once every 3 months is too much. I'm thinking once every 6 weeks with them visiting and dh taking baby to them. Especially as other pp have mentioned we need time for swimming, softplay, parties etc

'Made to go to the inlaws' that is exactly what it is. You can understand how I'm feeling. It is boring just to sit there and does feel like wastes time. His parents never want to go out anywhere but I will suggest it as it will be good for our dd.

I think dh likes me to go and be the one to chat but I'm trying to be quieter and get him to do the talking.

It isn't your responsibility to deal with this. You're being emotionally manipulated - DH saying he doesn't want to be without you when going to his parents, whilst happily going off on his own to do hobbies. If he wants regular trips to his parents he needs to be able to care for the baby himself and you can join when it suits you. You are entitled to defend yourself and stand up for your own needs. These people are supposed to be loving family, not your dictatorial boss.

Not just one off tasks. The stuff you do while baby naps or goes to bed. You relax at those times and save up that basic housework for whilst they are at yours or when dh takes the baby to them.

You can be busy while they are at yours. You don’t have to sit and entertain them. Or. You don’t have to go to them because you have housework to do. Or you don’t have to go because you are having your equivalent “me” time that dh has with his hobbies.

You just don’t have to go for any reason if it’s too much and you don’t want to. If he doesn’t go then that’s his choice. Just make sure that the in laws know that you are ok with him taking the baby on his own. Tell them that yourself if dh doesn’t.

Every other weekend is insane to expect you to go too. Life only gets busier with DC as they get mobile, accumulate 3,000 bits of Playmobil and grind playdoh into the carpet, develop hobbies, catch endless nits, request playdates, etc. Fitting in chores and life and your own sanity into a weekend is hard enough without a compulsory tally on visiting your in-laws. He needs to (a) take the baby without you as you’re happy with that, and (b) make it less regimented – invite them along on a family outing, for instance, so you all do the thing you were going to do, and the grandparents see the baby, but as a two birds one stone system.

Babies don’t necessarily get used to the car, anyway. Mine screamed about it til she was two, then switched to complaining, and only now at four can cope for more than 10 minutes without dramatics.

When I first met XH he used to visit his family every Sunday and it was the same routine every week, go for lunch, then go to one house, then another, then another, then home. He also worked most Saturdays so we literally had no time to do anything else, like visit my family or go out for the day.

When we moved in together, I asked him if we could make the visits once a month to give us a chance to do other things together.

When we had DD, I suggested that we visit more often so that his mother could get to know her, as I was aware that my parents lived closer and would see her all the time. (A 45 minute to MIL for us too). I didn't suggest that he went without me as that would have been taken as me not wanting to see her.

You are right to try and stop there being any sort of routine. As your child grows up they will have birthday parties, then hobbies/sports etc at weekends, and you won't be able to sustain a routine of going there on a set schedule.

I would go with him, but every 3rd week sounds like a good compromise, then you will also see them on all the occasions etc as well which bumps it up.

45 mins is not a long journey, no need to spend the whole day. Could you suggest calling to see the in-laws before or after you go for a walk/lunch/shopping. Stay for an hour or two. Or meeting them somewhere would be good too. I can’t imagine just sitting in someone’s house all
day every 2 weeks.

I think dh likes me to go and be the one to chat but I'm trying to be quieter and get him to do the talking.

I think this is why he says he doesn't want to be away from. He wants you to do the conversational heavy lifting. Funny how he is happy to spend all day away from you when doing his hobbies.

On these visits, have you tried not being the one who asks questions or introduces topics of discussion?

How old are they? Do they have a social life outside family? Do you have a social life outside family?

When your little one gets older you will have to factor in parties, clubs, hobbies etc.

Make sure the routine doesn’t have to be so strict you can’t make changes if you want to do something else instead

Also make sure DH isn’t ducking out of chores etc by going to visit his parents, especially once you are back at work

i think alternating the locations, so they come once a month and baby visits them once a month is fine. It is up to you how often you go.

You said, OP, that your DH has hobbies. Do you have hobbies? and time away from everything?

Is your husband a bit controlling in other ways OP?
A strictly structured visiting arrangement never works. It’s stifling!
And bloody boring as hell having to spend all day in the house trying to make conversation.
I would tell him he is welcome to take baby or visit them alone whenever he wants but you won’t be going every other week.
Sounds like they all want to arrange your bloody weekends for you no matter what you would like to do those days.
Time to stand up for yourself and do what you want to do.

@PinkMonday I think you need to explore why it is you're scared of voicing your opinion and owning it? Is it something from your childhood? Is it how he reacts?
You're a mother now you need to find your strength.

I couldn't be done with routine visiting for a start. Once baby is older you can go for days out. In fact mine went for days out from weeks old. I must have been unaware of the car seat thing? They're both strapping young men so no harm done 😊

Let us get this straight - you married him only right? There were no terms and conditions in the marriage vows that included taking on his mother and father to the degree that you've been doing? I might even (jokingly) throw that into a conversation with him that you only married him and that his parents, while they are grandparents are not your folks and you're allowed have time away, in the same way that he gets to do whatever his hobby is, without you, without his child and without his parents.

Next, I need to ask you a question - has your DH ever been left in his own house with his own child....ALONE??? By that I mean have you ever made a hair appointment or arranged to meet your friends and left your baby with him and gone out without him or your baby? If you haven't, start doing that now.
The reason I'm suggesting this is because (from what you've written), it sounds like he isn't confident in looking after his own child without you. Otherwise why would you need to be making the trips to his parents with your child? He should be well able to do that.

Lastly, I would think that you are not trying to make trouble - he is. He's not being remotely flexible in the visiting. He's presented it, to all intents and purposes as a done deal, this is what is happening, deal with it. Well, you can establish good boundaries where you will not build resentment of having to make these trips and you won't begin to resent your inlaws. Unfortunately though, this is a DH issue that you have to nip in the bud because if you don't, he'll begin to expect you showing up.

YOU decide what works for you! Then you'll slot in with whatever is happening on that given weekend if it works for you.

You were deprived of your weekends for years and now you are to be deprived of restful weekends after having had a baby (if such a thing exists for new mums - I don't know as I am child free). I'm with you. YANBU. If dh goes on his own with baby you would be able to have some valuable time to yourself. A good compromise is that you go with dh and baby every other visit.

I personally find short frequent visits to family are easier than longer, less frequent visits. Also, if you go to theirs, you can decide how long you stay. If they come to you it's harder to (politely) get rid of them. That said, alternating seems fair anyway.

Your baby is still very young. I found that family visit naturally become less frequent as children get older. You going back to work will also be a natural change point (if you are). So I wouldn't worry overly that you are setting something in stone for ever.

Once every 3 months isn’t very much really. That’s only 4 times a year. That’s not going to be enough if you want your child to be close to their grandparents. I think the real problem is the whole day thing. 45 minutes isn’t very far really. Maybe you could visit them once a month and they could visit you once a month but just for a few hours in the afternoon? Or maybe for tea? It doesn’t need to be a whole day all the time. Also, now the weather is improving maybe you could meet them half way and go for a walk/picnic so you’re not just sat in their house all day.

why does it have to be some kind of regular arrangement? My in laws are about an hour away and sometimes we’ll invite them over for a BBQ/birthday party/roast, sometimes they’ll invite us for something. There is always some kind of plan for Easter/bonfire night/birthdays, we go on the odd weekend away together. I’d say we typically see them about twice a month, sometimes it’s more, sometimes less. But the key is that we arrange things when everyone is on board. We don’t go and sit in their house for a day every 2 weeks just for the sake of it. Sounds miserable.

Alternate fortnightly.

Your LO is still very new and they'll come a time when you want to get a break and for your kids to stay over at Grannies that can only happen if they know one another.