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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to visiting inlaws so often

234 replies

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:53

Dh and I have a baby who is 6 months old. The inlaws have been visiting to see our baby every other weekend but now dh wants us to visit them every other weekend instead. His reasoning is that he wants our baby to get used to the car journey. They live 45 mins away.

Back story: we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years! I don't have any family and so I agreed but resented it. Imagine having no weekends to yourself for years! And it was never just popping in for tea, it was always a whole day thing. I did say a lot that I didn't want to go and for him to go by himself, but he wouldn't. It was either I go with him or he wouldn't go at all. I was frightened of being seen as coming between him and his family hence why I reluctantly agreed.

Since covid and now having a baby, I haven't had to go over. I don't mind them coming to us but I don't want to go there. My first thought was to alternate so they come here and then we go there but I don't even want to do that! I feel like I'm being a child stamping their foot. So please tell me if I am!

I'm thinking of saying I will go once every 3 months but is that horrible of me? Aibu to suggest that?

OP posts:
Jonei · 24/04/2023 08:33

No. They can come to you but I wouldn't be giving up every other weekend to visit them.

Butterflyflytoday · 24/04/2023 08:34

My in-laws started visiting weekly/fortnightly when DD1 was born - 21 years later and we can’t break the habit. Me and DH don’t like it, my children are usually out - it feels like an obligation. Don’t be like us!!

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:37

MeridianB · 24/04/2023 08:29

If the roles were reversed I doubt he’d miss a beat before telling you to take the baby to see your parents without him. So don’t feel bad.

Can you explain that you don’t want to be locked into a pattern of visits again?

I suspect he’s badgering you to visit because he find it dull/hard work on his own. But that’s not a good enough reason.

Is there a compromise like meeting them in a nice park halfway now and again?

That's a good idea of meeting at a park halfway especially when it gets warmer.

I think I've just realised why I am getting wound up by this. So last Friday we went there for the first time with the baby (not been before due to length of journey and midwives saying babies can't be in a carseat for too long) and his dad said to me 'oh you need to get baby used to the journey now that you are coming down here'. I think he now thinks we are going to be visiting them all the time. And then we got in the car and dh brought up his idea of us going to them every fortnight. I just felt like I didn't get a say. And yeah, no time to myself.

OP posts:
Farcis · 24/04/2023 08:37

DH used to go on his own with the kids - also about 45 mins away. At the beginning, I had good reasons to say ‘you go off and see them and I’ll get on with x’ (x wasn’t a hobby, and wasn’t fun) and that worked, and then it became a habit. I know MIL found it very odd that I ‘allowed’ this as she never let her children out of her sight, but it certainly worked for me! I think your hobbies or ‘gosh, I really need to get this done - you go, they’ll love to see you and the baby’ will work well.

Moidershewrote · 24/04/2023 08:37

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:10

I have been to visit them in the last 4 years but just no where near as often. For example, mothers/fathers day, birthdays, Christmas, bbqs etc

And it's not that I would only see them every 3 months. At the moment we see them every two weeks. I'm suggesting I would only see them once a month when they visit us and the other visit dh would go with baby and I would join occasionally.

But yes, I definitely feel my situation of having no family probably clouds my judgement.

I think your suggestion of occasionally joining him is 100% fine and there is absolutely no reason for him to argue with that. They are his family he should be comfortable visiting them without you there to hold his hand. It also provides you with some headspace once a fortnight, which it sounds like he also gets for himself when doing his hobbies?

Aside from that, I would be very concerned if my DH wasn’t able to visit his own family without me, I would find that very claustrophobic and controlling of him.

Doesn't he like you having time to yourself? Is he scared of taking the baby alone?!

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:38

Butterflyflytoday · 24/04/2023 08:34

My in-laws started visiting weekly/fortnightly when DD1 was born - 21 years later and we can’t break the habit. Me and DH don’t like it, my children are usually out - it feels like an obligation. Don’t be like us!!

This is what I'm frightened of! It's already starting to be like that! I guess when I go back to work I can then use that as am excuse for me to drop out a little bit.

OP posts:
2023usernameNew · 24/04/2023 08:39

Where do they live?

could you go out shopping/coffee shop or do something on your own while he’s at home with baby and parents?

Schnooze · 24/04/2023 08:39

The baby is a good excuse. You need time on your own to recharge from the stresses of motherhood etc. To take naps and potter around. Those occasions should definitely equal his time for hobbies. How can he argue with that?

Your schedule sounds very fair.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:40

Moidershewrote · 24/04/2023 08:37

I think your suggestion of occasionally joining him is 100% fine and there is absolutely no reason for him to argue with that. They are his family he should be comfortable visiting them without you there to hold his hand. It also provides you with some headspace once a fortnight, which it sounds like he also gets for himself when doing his hobbies?

Aside from that, I would be very concerned if my DH wasn’t able to visit his own family without me, I would find that very claustrophobic and controlling of him.

Doesn't he like you having time to yourself? Is he scared of taking the baby alone?!

Show quote history

Yes he probably is scared of taking the baby alone. He looked after her for the first time for the whole day recently and realised how difficult it can be at times.

OP posts:
CheeseLouisePlease · 24/04/2023 08:40

Can you meet them somewhere for a walk or something, a day out. I think endlessly going to see people in their houses and sitting around is so bloody boring. When you have a toddler all you do is chase them about as well. If there is somewhere nearby then you can share the drives.

I am a person who was made to go to the in-laws constantly. All we did was sit about and occasionally we’d go to another relatives and sit about. I’m hugely resentful now for the time wasted. Not same as you as much further and in laws were not pleasant or nice company.

DH would occasionally go on his own, but he liked me there so he could leave me with his mother to ‘chat’ (sit in silence). I found DD never got used to the drive, just more frustrated with it , but it was longer.

ZenNudist · 24/04/2023 08:41

SBHon · 24/04/2023 07:59

There’s a halfway point between once every other weekend and once every 3 months. That’s quite a leap. How about once a month?

He could take her without you for most of them and you just go along when you want to?

This. Every 3 months is unfair

CurlewKate · 24/04/2023 08:41

Why won't he go by himself? I'm thinking of blissful child free days for you while the baby is being doted on by grandparents!

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:42

Joystir59 · 24/04/2023 08:30

How do you ever get anything in your own life/garden/home done with such frequent visits?

It's difficult! I just do things when our baby naps or goes to bed.

OP posts:
Butterflyflytoday · 24/04/2023 08:44

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:38

This is what I'm frightened of! It's already starting to be like that! I guess when I go back to work I can then use that as am excuse for me to drop out a little bit.

Show quote history

It’s pretty dire and compounded by the fact that DH and in-laws are unable to make small talk. I was the one keeping the conversation going but found it exhausting so stopped a few years ago, when they visit there’s a lot of sitting in silence- it’s ridiculous.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:44

Lampzade · 24/04/2023 08:31

He can take the baby by himself if he wants him to get used to the car.

Show quote history

Good point! I will make sure I say that when I bring this topic up. He is under the impression that we are going again next weekend. He can go but I will think of an excuse!

OP posts:
Schnooze · 24/04/2023 08:44

Oh and save some of the housework tasks that you “need to find time for” as you can’t with the baby, that you need to do uninterrupted. This free up time for you during the rest of the week and gives you a perfect excuse for not going.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:45

Schnooze · 24/04/2023 08:44

Oh and save some of the housework tasks that you “need to find time for” as you can’t with the baby, that you need to do uninterrupted. This free up time for you during the rest of the week and gives you a perfect excuse for not going.

The oven could do with a clean ;)

OP posts:
Flockynocky · 24/04/2023 08:47

dear god no. Time to start prioritising your wants and needs, his partner and the mother of his child.

Redburnett · 24/04/2023 08:48

Remind him that his priorities should be his child and wife - and therefore your needs and wants are more important than his parents. He should be willing to negotiate, as you obviously are.
TBH it sounds as though he could become worryingly controlling in the future, so you are right to hold your ground.

IglesiasPiggl · 24/04/2023 08:48

It all sounds very rigid, which would put me off - it feels like a chore. Mix it up a bit and it will probably be easier. Sometimes you all go, sometimes just DH with the baby, sometimes they come to you, sometimes meet at the park or lunch at a baby friendly cafe, etc. 45 mins isn't very far away so suggest your DH looks into other options are places to meet.

Passthewine45 · 24/04/2023 08:48

I think you need to come to an agreement that works for both of you. Also whatever you do, don't set precedence and make it a regular thing or it will be expected that you do this all the time. I would not have set days/times. I know so many that get trapped into this.
It's your weekend and time too. Personally I would have a loose arrangement set up that can be changed depending on your plans/mood - you might want to go away for the weekend as a 3 or the weather might be better on one day over another. Don't set anything in stone. If DH wants to go and you don't, let him go alone with the baby and book yourself a massage, go to the gym, do something nice. My PIL are hard work and i have an ok relationship with them, we are overseas thankfully so I probably see MIL once every 4 months & FIL once in a blue moon. But they are very family orientated with a big family and they all live either on the same street or within 20 mins of each other & they go round each others houses every weekend - every birthday/celebration and they all just seem to sit around drinking whilst the kids run around. I would hate that so I'm glad I don't live nearby and would not want to be sucked into giving up my free time & feeling obligated to spend it with them/having my weekends hijacked.

SparklyBlackKitten · 24/04/2023 08:49

Fuck that

Tell him that HE can go and take baby
But you are not.

Tell him you'll come every 6/8 weeks or so.

I love my inlaws. But not love them "see eachother for hours every weekend nonsense.

I love them once per 6 weeks.

So yeah
Tell him that HE can go
And that you dont. Want. To.

Heck i wouldnt even wanna see my OWN family every 2 weeks. /week

No way.

Holycow23x · 24/04/2023 08:49

Absolutely this!

If he doesn’t want to go without you, then it looks like you aren’t going!

tealandteal · 24/04/2023 08:51

I know it’s a while away but when the baby starts school you will have so many birthday parties, it’s difficult to find a weekend free. Let alone fit in a visit every other weekend.

For me it wouldn’t be the frequency that would bother me but the rigidity. I don’t mind seeing my in laws twice a month, but being tied to a whole day every other weekend would drive me crazy.

Can they/DH be a bit more flexible? Meeting halfway/going on day trips together?

Dontcutthedaisies · 24/04/2023 08:51

And then we got in the car and dh brought up his idea of us going to them every fortnight. I just felt like I didn't get a say. And yeah, no time to myself.

And why didn't you say No Way, that won't work for me, I don't want to spend every second weekend with your parents, I want some time to myself.
Nothing unreasonable about that so why not just state it?

Your DH sounds a bit enmeshed with his parents for a grown man. Nothing wrong with seeing your parents regularly of course but expecting to choose how the rest of his family (that would be you and his child) spend their time is unreasonable, it's not up to him.
When your baby becomes a toddler/child you'll be wanting to do family stuff at the weekend like swimming or toddler activities, what then? Still expecting you all to be sat at his parents most likely.

If your hobbies are home based I'd just get on with them when they visit. Get out in your garden, there's 3 other adults there to look after the baby! Let him host his own parents.