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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to visiting inlaws so often

234 replies

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:53

Dh and I have a baby who is 6 months old. The inlaws have been visiting to see our baby every other weekend but now dh wants us to visit them every other weekend instead. His reasoning is that he wants our baby to get used to the car journey. They live 45 mins away.

Back story: we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years! I don't have any family and so I agreed but resented it. Imagine having no weekends to yourself for years! And it was never just popping in for tea, it was always a whole day thing. I did say a lot that I didn't want to go and for him to go by himself, but he wouldn't. It was either I go with him or he wouldn't go at all. I was frightened of being seen as coming between him and his family hence why I reluctantly agreed.

Since covid and now having a baby, I haven't had to go over. I don't mind them coming to us but I don't want to go there. My first thought was to alternate so they come here and then we go there but I don't even want to do that! I feel like I'm being a child stamping their foot. So please tell me if I am!

I'm thinking of saying I will go once every 3 months but is that horrible of me? Aibu to suggest that?

OP posts:
Blablabla1984 · 24/04/2023 16:40

The best compromise IMO would be twice a month - one weekend they come to you, one weekend you go to them and then you still have 2 weekends to do days out/meet other family&friends/stay at home and chill.

That way grandparents will get their grandbaby fix and you will feel ok about you and DH having quality time with his parents yet still having time during the month to do other things.

mainsfed · 24/04/2023 16:42

Blablabla1984 · 24/04/2023 16:40

The best compromise IMO would be twice a month - one weekend they come to you, one weekend you go to them and then you still have 2 weekends to do days out/meet other family&friends/stay at home and chill.

That way grandparents will get their grandbaby fix and you will feel ok about you and DH having quality time with his parents yet still having time during the month to do other things.

Given OP only wants to visit them every 6 weeks, how is her going to see every other weekend a fair compromise?

Blablabla1984 · 24/04/2023 16:48

mainsfed · 24/04/2023 16:42

Given OP only wants to visit them every 6 weeks, how is her going to see every other weekend a fair compromise?

My suggestion isn't going to see them every other weekend, it's once a month :) Please read it again.

churley · 24/04/2023 17:08

I think you just need to get to a point where you can openly say to your dh you go and then when he says not without you say ok what shall we do today now we're not going to in-laws.

MeetMyCat · 24/04/2023 17:17

It’s the whole idea of rostered visits that make me shudder, I get that workplaces need rosters but surely not family relationships?

RandomMess · 24/04/2023 17:31

Once your DD is a toddler not only will she have parties and play dates but she will no longer be easy to take shopping or to meet with friends etc.

Your DH is going to have to compromise on how much time he has for his hobbies and how you will need child free time too.

On a plus he may find that taking DD to his parents on his own is easier as DD gets older and wants people to play and talk to.

frazzledasarock · 24/04/2023 17:44

If I didn’t want to I wouldn’t go at all. I wouldn’t compromise or put myself out.

you’re not stopping him from visiting his parents.

he wants to visit them, he can go on his own.

what would he do if you weren’t around. Never visit his parents?

Isthisit22 · 24/04/2023 17:48

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2023 08:10

Not a chance on earth would I go.
Not. A. Chance.
He doesn't get to police what you do every other weekend.
He can go with the baby, or not at all, that's his choice.

This.

drsp51 · 24/04/2023 18:19

skyeisthelimit · 24/04/2023 09:13

When I first met XH he used to visit his family every Sunday and it was the same routine every week, go for lunch, then go to one house, then another, then another, then home. He also worked most Saturdays so we literally had no time to do anything else, like visit my family or go out for the day.

When we moved in together, I asked him if we could make the visits once a month to give us a chance to do other things together.

When we had DD, I suggested that we visit more often so that his mother could get to know her, as I was aware that my parents lived closer and would see her all the time. (A 45 minute to MIL for us too). I didn't suggest that he went without me as that would have been taken as me not wanting to see her.

You are right to try and stop there being any sort of routine. As your child grows up they will have birthday parties, then hobbies/sports etc at weekends, and you won't be able to sustain a routine of going there on a set schedule.

I would go with him, but every 3rd week sounds like a good compromise, then you will also see them on all the occasions etc as well which bumps it up.

As other pp’s have said, try not to make it a set routine but play it by ear depending on what else is happening. When my DH and I were first married, his bossy sister informed me that now they (her, her DH and DC) would come to us one Sunday and we would go to them the next and so on. The look on her face when I said that it wasn’t going to happen! Not the way that I wanted our married life to be especially as we were planning to have 2 or 3 years before starting a family and a good chance to travel etc. I was quite happy to have them over now and again or visit them but every week?… no

drsp51 · 24/04/2023 18:21

By the way, my DH was only too pleased to duck out out the family visits every week, just not brave enough to stand up to his domineering DS

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 18:53

mainsfed · 24/04/2023 16:42

Given OP only wants to visit them every 6 weeks, how is her going to see every other weekend a fair compromise?

This is true, to me a compromise is the 6 weeks. I want to only go every 3 months but have been told on here that 3 months is too long. Which is the reason why I posted and I'm glad I did as I've been given some good advice and points. I couldn't cope with going to there's every month. I know to some people that sounds awful that I can't make the effort for one day on the weekend each month but I just can't. This is going to sound terrible but I'd rather be divorced than made to start going there again.

I cant explain why I am so against going. It feels irrational but I just can't bring myself to go anymore.

OP posts:
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 18:54

frazzledasarock · 24/04/2023 17:44

If I didn’t want to I wouldn’t go at all. I wouldn’t compromise or put myself out.

you’re not stopping him from visiting his parents.

he wants to visit them, he can go on his own.

what would he do if you weren’t around. Never visit his parents?

That's a good point, I will say that to him about what he would do if I wasn't around.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 24/04/2023 19:14

"I cant explain why I am so against going. It feels irrational but I just can't bring myself to go anymore."

You don't have to justify yourself and what you prefer to do to anyone.

mainsfed · 24/04/2023 19:23

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 18:53

This is true, to me a compromise is the 6 weeks. I want to only go every 3 months but have been told on here that 3 months is too long. Which is the reason why I posted and I'm glad I did as I've been given some good advice and points. I couldn't cope with going to there's every month. I know to some people that sounds awful that I can't make the effort for one day on the weekend each month but I just can't. This is going to sound terrible but I'd rather be divorced than made to start going there again.

I cant explain why I am so against going. It feels irrational but I just can't bring myself to go anymore.

It’s not irrational, it sounds like they are trying to control you and you can sense it.

Do you think it’s a coincidence that FIL told you 'oh you need to get baby used to the journey now that you are coming down here' and then DH brought up going every fortnight?

You are being manoeuvred.

AmandaHoldensLips · 24/04/2023 21:01

You really don't have to justify yourself. If you don't want to go, then don't. They'll just have to get their heads around it.

It's important that you "emotionally detach" from any flack you might get about it. That's just emotional blackmail because you're refusing to do what THEY want you to do. They, including your DH, can sod off.

They don't get to dictate how you spend your time.

LookItsMeAgain · 24/04/2023 21:10

Can you clarify what you mean @PinkMonday by this comment:
"When he's off I can be doing what I want and just bring dd with me."

I'm not sure if I've picked up the right end of the stick here and I don't want to post what I think it means without checking with you first.

billy1966 · 24/04/2023 22:08

OP, please listen to your strong reaction to even the thought of going to them regularly.

I think you really should not agree to ANYTHING.

I think you should say you will playbit by ear.

Ten long bloody years your selfish husband bullied you into this.

Agree to NOTHING.

Tell him crack on and head off with his child.

YOU will visit when YOU want to.

End of.

You have been bullied by this selfish man enough.

Listen to what your gut is telling you.

Agree to nothing.

Schnooze · 25/04/2023 00:24

I know he won't go. Which then makes me feel like I am the controlling one!

But you aren’t controlling his actions. It’s his choice if he goes or not.

Where is your choice at the moment?

itsmylife7 · 25/04/2023 01:01

OP start sitting in the front of the car so your child gets used to being alone in the backseat.

I think you've been unbelievably nice doing these visits for 10 years, and now it's your time to do what you want.

Don't let your husband or inlaws guilt trip you in anyway.

Your husband finds his parents boring I think , that's not your problem.

Get him to look after your child more so he becomes accustomed to her ways, or he'll start saying he can't cope.
Maybe go out for a few hours and leave him with her,regularly.

Codlingmoths · 25/04/2023 03:36

You’re not controlling because your husband won’t visit his parents without you. He’s pathetic and a bit controlling, they are his parents!! It’s a good analogy to ask so if I died or was too sick to travel or left you would you just never see your parents again?

FoxRedDrover · 25/04/2023 04:45

As a child every Saturday was spent visiting Grandparents, it was too much, every single weekend, both sets, one in the morning and over lunch and the other afternoon and all evening, and Christmas…every blooming Christmas..

Dont do it 😀

GretaGood · 25/04/2023 04:54

Why does he want to go so often? Most men don’t choose to spend a day with DOs, maybe an hour or two. Does he have siblings?

rowanoak · 25/04/2023 05:01

Of course you're not being unreasonable. He sounds like he's stuck up his parents' butt. I could never be attracted to such a mommy's boy. You have every right to not have to go somewhere, and you don't have to go just because your husband or his parents want you to. I think you're wise to start speaking up for yourself and saying no. Good job.

rowanoak · 25/04/2023 05:20

Every 3 months is not too long. It's the right amount of time for YOU so it's what you should do. Please try to stop caring so much about what other people want or say or think of you. And start caring more about what you want and think.

PS I see some of my in-laws once or twice a month because I really like them and they're respectful and we get along. That's honestly really frequently for me to see anyone aside from my husband, kids and very best friends... we have a very busy life with 4 kids and I work full time, own my own business and have my own interests/hobbies (mainly working out at weightlifting classes and doing Zumba, plus a book club, writing club and my kids' activities and things I like to do with them on a regular basis), so I honestly couldn't fit in seeing them any more than this... sometimes I don't even see them once a month and that's fine, we still love each other but life just gets busy!

I have other in-laws I rarely see... maybe twice a year on their birthday and a get together around the holidays but not ON the holidays because we do Christmas day with our immediate family (me, my husband and our kids) only, since we only get so few of them and want to relax and enjoy them and not rush around everywhere else or hosting other people, etc. That's because I don't particularly like those in-laws and/or they don't particularly like me, and that's fine... not everyone can be expected to get along with everyone else, and I don't want to waste precious time being fake or spending time with people I find dreadful or just boring, etc.

Sometimes my husband and/or kids see some of those in-laws more than I do, if he goes to see them without me. Sometimes they watch our kids for us. It all depends on who they are. If they are disrespectful a-holes then neither of us see them and they certainly don't see our kids as we don't want them brought up normalizing being disrespectful a-holes or witnessing unnecessary fights or drama or alcoholism which runs rampant in both my husband's and my families, etc. (Husband does have a couple uncles I consider disrespectful a-holes and who may be alcoholics to boot, who he sees more than I or the kids ever do, in that he goes skiing with them maybe once or twice a year and might help them work on a car or fix an appliance or they help him do the same, one or two more times a year, and it's fine with me that he sees them since he's his own person and I don't try to control where he goes or who he sees. But our kids do not go around them other than maybe at a big family get-together on the 4th of July or around Christmas, and if those particular uncles show up then we usually greet them nicely, exchange gifts or pleasantries, and then keep our distance and either leave early or prepare to leave early if necessary, as those are the ones who are most prone to drink too much or start drama or be rude, etc., and I don't generally like being around them. They've aged poorly due to bad habits so can't be at many family functions nowadays, which is a good thing for everyone else, IMO.

And my own parents? We see them on the 12th of Never because they are incapable of being civil or respectful and are always causing drama or making rude, judgmental, disparaging remarks or being verbally, emotionally and even physically abusive to each other and/or us and/or various other people who are around, or my dad drinks and my mom gets mad at him for it yet also blames it on all of the rest of us and/or expects us not to say anything or be upset about it ourselves and to pretend like everything is normal and fine and great, and to walk on eggshells around them lest we say something to set off my dad's temper and hurt my mom's ever-fragile little feelers, etc. etc. etc. I don't have enough space on the Internet or in my head to rehash all the many ways they have been inappropriate to have our kids or ourselves around, so I finally cut them off nearly two years ago or so now, and so I never, ever see them and have never been happier. :)

I'm telling you all of this because it really is up to YOU and what YOU want, and the sooner you start living your life for yourself instead of for everyone else, the happier I know you'll be, even though I also know it's hard at first because I used to try to keep relationships going with people who didn't really give a flying fig about me, or who I actually didn't really like much when I really thought about it, and it was exhausting! Through therapy I've been able to decide what I really want to do with my precious time and who I really want to spend it around, and to rid myself of the feelings of guilt or obligation that society puts on people, especially women/wives/mothers, to carry on such mentally and physically exhausting relationships.

CheshireDing · 25/04/2023 05:37

It all sounds so rigid and a pita

With 2 adults working full time, small DC doing activities at the weekends and cleaning, catching up on work to be done DH and I might see our respective parents every few months and that’s all a bit casual anyway.

OP’s situation sounds so time consuming and pointless just sitting there

your DH can go on his own or with DC, his choice if he goes or not. I bet he massively cuts back! Sounds like when I read threads where DiL always bought the cards/presents for her in laws, when she stopped their Son never bothered to buy cards/presents for his own parents

Don’t get dragged in any more OP. Stand firm