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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to visiting inlaws so often

234 replies

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:53

Dh and I have a baby who is 6 months old. The inlaws have been visiting to see our baby every other weekend but now dh wants us to visit them every other weekend instead. His reasoning is that he wants our baby to get used to the car journey. They live 45 mins away.

Back story: we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years! I don't have any family and so I agreed but resented it. Imagine having no weekends to yourself for years! And it was never just popping in for tea, it was always a whole day thing. I did say a lot that I didn't want to go and for him to go by himself, but he wouldn't. It was either I go with him or he wouldn't go at all. I was frightened of being seen as coming between him and his family hence why I reluctantly agreed.

Since covid and now having a baby, I haven't had to go over. I don't mind them coming to us but I don't want to go there. My first thought was to alternate so they come here and then we go there but I don't even want to do that! I feel like I'm being a child stamping their foot. So please tell me if I am!

I'm thinking of saying I will go once every 3 months but is that horrible of me? Aibu to suggest that?

OP posts:
autienotnaught · 25/04/2023 06:24

It sounds very regimented. Can't he just arrange to see them and if you are not busy you go too?

Dilemma19 · 25/04/2023 09:47

cpphelp · 24/04/2023 07:58

@ViviPru - once a month? When you're a grandparent, would you be happy with only seeing your grandchild and son 12 times a year?

Might be hard to comprehend but not everyone lives close to gp. My parents live abroad (11hours flight) and dc see them 2x a year.

cpphelp · 25/04/2023 09:49

@Dilemma19 I COMPLETELY respect that - can even comprehend it too!
I just know my MIL 20 mins up the road would be pretty sad if we only saw her once a month.

HyacinthBookay · 26/04/2023 06:48

WheelsUp · 24/04/2023 15:03

Yabvr

I bet your h wants you to come because you do the hard work of looking after baby and you reduce the pressure of him having to handle his parents.
Your suggestion of alternating them visiting you and h taking baby there is very reasonable

This is what I was thinking. Does he need you there to look after baby as well as to act as a buffer between him and his folks.

Chestnutlover · 30/04/2023 10:37

Omg I feel like I wrote this post. Baby same age etc. I see my in laws at least, LEAST, once a week. My dp won’t visit them without me and they’re constantly coming over or making plans. It’s so hard not to sound rude, I’m stuck in the same place of not knowing what crosses the ‘line’. I don’t want to stop my partner from having a relationship with them but I feel like they’re all in it together trying to dominate our time and the baby but that’s very hard to accuse them of. Dp is in denial and gets angry and defensive when I try and talk about it. Honestly making me so bloody miserable I feel like my relationship might not survive. feel like all my spare time is spent with them, and they’re very controlling and dominating people which makes it all worse.

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 11:06

I feel like they’re all in it together trying to dominate our time and the baby but that’s very hard to accuse them of.

Do you think DP is on it too?

Once a week is a lot, sounds suffocating.

Can you not make other plans?

billy1966 · 30/04/2023 12:08

Chestnutlover · 30/04/2023 10:37

Omg I feel like I wrote this post. Baby same age etc. I see my in laws at least, LEAST, once a week. My dp won’t visit them without me and they’re constantly coming over or making plans. It’s so hard not to sound rude, I’m stuck in the same place of not knowing what crosses the ‘line’. I don’t want to stop my partner from having a relationship with them but I feel like they’re all in it together trying to dominate our time and the baby but that’s very hard to accuse them of. Dp is in denial and gets angry and defensive when I try and talk about it. Honestly making me so bloody miserable I feel like my relationship might not survive. feel like all my spare time is spent with them, and they’re very controlling and dominating people which makes it all worse.

As long as you accept this, you will be bullied by them all.

The best thing you can do is start making plans to leave and see how it would look like.

Making plans gives you control in the situation and helps you feel less powerless.

You are not going to want to stay in this situation so start looking at what your options are.

Remember your partner gets defensive and angry to SHUT YOU DOWN.

It is what controlling abusive men do to get their own way and to train you to not object and to do what you are told.

You may not reise this but you are in an abusive controlling relationship and it will not get better on its own.

I'm sorry.

Reach out to family and friends.

Can you pack up and leave with the baby to show him you will NOT tolerate this any longer?

Are your parents supportive?

I am old and in my experience if you do not take firm action you will be looking to exit the relationship within two years.

You do not want to get pregnant with him again, so be VERY careful.

Years ago my friends sister had her MIL at her door at 9am to "help"....she took over every day. It was ruining her mat leave.
Her husband couldn't and wouldn't get it.
He kept saying that she was ungrateful for his mothers kind help.
She couldn't breathe.
She rang her parents and her father collected her and he came home to an empty house.
She simply refused to return and he had to drive to her parents to see the baby for months.
It had all given her a bit of PND.

Supportive help that is welcomed is truly fantastic, conversely the feeling that others feel entitled to your home, life time, and child is suffocating.

Only you can stop this happening by organising yourself so that you are not powerless.

Dovetail40 · 31/05/2023 18:32

Just say sorry not this weekend we are....
are all sick
are decorating
have sleepovers
Kids using room to revise
Bla bla

Coulditreallybe · 18/11/2023 23:11

How’s the visiting going @PinkMonday 🤣

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