To be so disappointed that DD has tanked her A Levels?

purplewolfie · 23/04/2023 17:29

Does she have any ambitions for the future? Is there any future job area she is interested in?

Allmarbleslost · 23/04/2023 17:31

Is she having treatment for her anxiety?

Itwasnaeme · 23/04/2023 17:31

Mine's younger but also about to tank his exams. Unless a miracle happens. It's very depressing

Original poster

Minfilia · 23/04/2023 17:31

purplewolfie · 23/04/2023 17:29

Does she have any ambitions for the future? Is there any future job area she is interested in?

She did have a career plan but she even seems uninterested in that now too. So she has no plans and apparently no aspirations at the minute!

OP posts:

Original poster

Minfilia · 23/04/2023 17:32

Allmarbleslost · 23/04/2023 17:31

Is she having treatment for her anxiety?

Yes - she is on medication. She did have therapy too but refused to go so they discharged her.

OP posts:

Paperbagsaremine · 23/04/2023 17:32

Well sitting around and doing nothing won't do anyone any good so she can't be doing that. She's an adult, she has to support herself. Not doing that is sooooo corrosive.

But she can always go back to education when she's in a more suitable frame of mind.

EllenLRipley · 23/04/2023 17:32

I work with young people in your DDs situation. I strongly advise you not to finance her when she leaves school. No qualifications is fine, lots of people don't have them. "Bright" is a meaningless word. She needs to get an entry level job and start her adult life. This is a critical time for you both. She needs support, but not indulging in any way.

Hankunamatata · 23/04/2023 17:33

I tanked mine with 3 Ds. Scraped into at decent uni in clearing onto a degree I hated, luckily switched at the end of first year to degree that needed much higher points (I'd shown in the year on the hated degree that I could work and score well) Ended up with 2:1 and have had a decent career so far

It taught me that I needed to work and tanking A levels was a kick up the bum I needed

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2023 17:34

Time for some tough love, I'm afraid. Her sitting around doing fuck all should not be an option. She needs to get a job and she needs to contribute to the household. At a minimum she buy food for herself and she absolutely has to do her fair share of housework.

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 17:34

Hee anxiety medication could be causing her to lack motivation. She is mentally unwell. That’s why anxiety is. It’s a mental illness and hers is so severe she needs medicated. Don’t be disappointed but understand she’s unwell. It’s no different to a broken leg.

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 17:34

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2023 17:34

Time for some tough love, I'm afraid. Her sitting around doing fuck all should not be an option. She needs to get a job and she needs to contribute to the household. At a minimum she buy food for herself and she absolutely has to do her fair share of housework.

She’s ill!

hereiamagainn · 23/04/2023 17:35

I think I would be more worried than disappointed, in your shoes.

Your DD will only be capable of achieving her potential when she is free from pressure and in optimal physical and mental health.

What sort of things have you tried as a family to help her feel happier in herself and less anxious?

Singleandproud · 23/04/2023 17:38

I tanked my A/s levels and knew I wouldn't do well at A2 so switched to a Btec and got 3xDistinctions. The A level exam style just didn't suit me, all that pressure to regurgitate information just didn't work for me. Btec was mostly coursework based, and much more like real work assignments even if not always as widely recognised at the time. Your DD may find a Btec or apprenticeship suits her much better than the traditional academic route.

happyumwelt · 23/04/2023 17:40

I did something very similar - dropped to two subjects and then dropped out completely towards the end of year 13. I have been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and it explains a lot (including anxiety, school avoidance and social struggles). I did very well in my GCSEs but did very little work in years 10 and 11 - got through with last minute cramming and brain power - but this approach doesn't work for A levels! I can't maintain the level of focus needed for an extended amount of time and still wouldn't be able to do it now. I went to uni as a mature student in my early 20's.

WheelsUp · 23/04/2023 17:40

Getting a job is the only way imo
Best case scenario - a minimum wage job focuses her mind and she goes back to education
Hopeful scenario - she needed a break from education and she works hard
Worst case scenario - she stays at home in her room and doesn't do anything.

If you give pocket money or handouts then it's time to stop soon. When she can't afford to go out, buy clothes, run her car etc while her friends move on, she will be forced to sink or swim. There's no shame in working for a while until she's ready to go back to studying. My dd took a gap year and after that year she was ready to start her degree. She worked as a barista for a year and enjoyed the money and experience but was also glad to leave it behind and start her degree.

poetryandwine · 23/04/2023 17:43

Former admissions tutor here. I agree your DD is ill. But something must be done.

Not everyone is suited to uni and I would argue that if you are it is important to be in good shape when you go. Hanging on by a thread from one term to the next whilst failing to deal with your health almost always ends in sub par performance and frequently in disaster. Furthermore, these students don’t even have a good time.

So DD needs to sort herself. That may require time and space. But it also requires some sort of engagement. If she can’t manage to engage with the world (study/job/volunteer) fair enough. But then she absolutely needs therapy and I would be bringing my power as holder of the purse strings, family cook, etc to bear as well as enlisting any adult she admires to the cause of getting her there and engaged.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/04/2023 17:43

She has been offered counselling but refused to go.

Refuses to go to school (but the way, she is not legally obliged to attend sixth form). And her grades have now tanked. And she is not interested

What is she doing with her time? What does she want to do this or next yer?

I would suspect smoking weed at least. Have you asked her or had this conversation?

If she wants to drop out then fine, but she needs to get a job. Time for tough love indeed.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/04/2023 17:44

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 17:34

She’s ill!

Show quote history

Doesn’t mean lying around doing nothing is the best thing for her, any more than it is for backache or recovering from a hip replacement

PonyPatter44 · 23/04/2023 17:45

My DD also tanked her A-levels, in that she was simply too unwell to take them. As soon as I said she could leave school without taking them, her mental health improved significantly. She had a part time job in a restaurant so she upped her hours at that to pretty much full time, and then she got a decent civil service job. She's currently saving like a mad thing for a house deposit, and has just been promoted at work. I am incredibly proud of her.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 23/04/2023 17:47

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 17:34

Hee anxiety medication could be causing her to lack motivation. She is mentally unwell. That’s why anxiety is. It’s a mental illness and hers is so severe she needs medicated. Don’t be disappointed but understand she’s unwell. It’s no different to a broken leg.

I live with severe anxiety and I am medicated. I don't feel like doing a lot sometimes but I do have to work and be an adult. To be honest, with anxiety there have been times it's been so debilitating I have had to take some time off work but generally being off work and not doing anything makes it 10 times worse.

OP, you need to encourage her to get an entry level job or as pp said, get through clearing and onto uni maybe next year when her anxiety is more controlled. What she can't do is nothing and please do not enable her to do so, it's not helpful or kind.

Squidlydoo · 23/04/2023 17:50

she should be able to resit year 13? While it may not be something she’s keen to do right now, it’s definitely something to keep as an option.

education is free til 19 in terms of a levels

Original poster

Minfilia · 23/04/2023 17:51

hereiamagainn · 23/04/2023 17:35

I think I would be more worried than disappointed, in your shoes.

Your DD will only be capable of achieving her potential when she is free from pressure and in optimal physical and mental health.

What sort of things have you tried as a family to help her feel happier in herself and less anxious?

We have done everything we can.

Her siblings all work PT but we have continued to fund her so she could just concentrate on school. That includes driving lessons (which she’s also given up on) and hobbies. We’ve tried therapy (CAMHS then private). I’ve helped her revise. I’ve even changed jobs to facilitate her school hours. I’ve allowed her to drop subjects with no pressure. I’ve booked a hotel when she had a school trip just so she wouldn’t have to do the overnight there which caused her huge anxiety. I take her out daily so she is doing something out of the house. Made and attended numerous trips to the GP to push for medication which she eventually got 4 months ago. She has pets that calm her. I cook for her so she’s eating healthily.

I try talking to her but rarely does she respond. She refuses to exercise and I have to almost drag her out even to walk the dog.

There is zero pressure on her from us and it still hasn’t helped.

OP posts:

AvaCallanach · 23/04/2023 17:53

Minfilia · 23/04/2023 17:24

DD18 has always been a bright kid, but completely fails to apply herself.

She has anxiety which has ended up with school avoidance - so I changed my working hours so I could drop her for the lessons she had and she could come home for free periods as she said that would help.

She then still found it too much and dropped one of her subjects with the promise she would do better in the others.

Yet she’s dropped from B to D grades in both and now school want her to take the lower AS level courses. So she will come away with 2 lesser qualifications and may not even do well in those.

She also has zero plans for post school (which finishes in weeks!) - no desire to work and no desire to go to uni.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I have no idea what to do to motivate her as she just seems to want to sit around and do nothing!!

My son did exactly the same at A level - started with 3A prediction. Had a huge breakdown, school avoidance, dropped one, and ended up with a C and a E.

He's autistic, and whilst I have no idea whether your DD is neuro divergent, the fact that she has a history of school avoidance and is tanking her A levels despite a history of being bright, and presumably, a history of doing well, means there is some kind of barrier there. She is obviously distressed and overwhelmed.

My son took 3 years to recover partially from the huge trauma and burnout of not being able to keep up in subjects he was good at. He is still not working or at uni, but is happier. Please be kind.

Original poster

Minfilia · 23/04/2023 17:54

Squidlydoo · 23/04/2023 17:50

she should be able to resit year 13? While it may not be something she’s keen to do right now, it’s definitely something to keep as an option.

education is free til 19 in terms of a levels

Sadly there is zero chance she will do this. She’s had enough of school.

Ive told her that she needs to consider her next steps, whether it be work or education (I’ve said I’m happy to pay for her to do distance learning). But that sitting around doing nothing isn’t an option.

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/04/2023 17:55

She sounds just my like ASD Dd who is struggling with A levels. I’m going to home school her via an online course if she can’t cope.

l don’t think you should be down on her. She’s ill and unable to attend school. And everyone having a go at her. She’s 17 fgs