To be so disappointed that DD has tanked her A Levels?

[Minfilia]

DD18 has always been a bright kid, but completely fails to apply herself.

She has anxiety which has ended up with school avoidance - so I changed my working hours so I could drop her for the lessons she had and she could come home for free periods as she said that would help.

She then still found it too much and dropped one of her subjects with the promise she would do better in the others.

Yet she’s dropped from B to D grades in both and now school want her to take the lower AS level courses. So she will come away with 2 lesser qualifications and may not even do well in those.

She also has zero plans for post school (which finishes in weeks!) - no desire to work and no desire to go to uni.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I have no idea what to do to motivate her as she just seems to want to sit around and do nothing!!

Can you get her involved in anything - do you know anyone that volunteers or runs any groups, charities, also what about your own workplace - would they offer her any work experience even if only a week or two? I would try and get her involved in something - doesn’t matter what really but she needs to realise there’s the whole world out there and she’s got to find a way in it doing something. What interests does she have?? Can you find anything along those lines. It is scary but that’s life and most people are kind xxx

I tankee my A Levels, predicted all As and got CCE. I did an apprenticeship, found a career through that that I never knew existed, used my apprenticeship to gain a place at uni and am now a rural surveyor managing large country estates. It isn’t all over if your A Levels don’t work out as planned!

If it is depression or autistic burnout then it is very much can't not won't.
It needs a GP, therapy, and tiny, tiny tiny steps.
And loads of understanding.

I could have written this exact post about my DD.

I've had to take a massive step back from enabling her and let her figure it out on her own. I've told her if she fails she will regret it but it's up to her to put the work in now. And when she finishes school she will be getting a full time job (currently works 12 hours a week).

Maybe the meds didn’t actually help. They can numb you and make you just not give a shit about things. I don’t think mental illness is like a broken leg to be honest. It’s not that simplistic.

To also add, I am waiting for an ADHD diagnoses, I cruised through education up until my A Levels. My A Levels required me to actually apply myself and I couldn’t however hard I try get myself organised and studying. People assumed it was laziness but now it all makes sense!

It is entirely possible to be both completely NT and depressed and anxious at the same time.

I'd listen to this op. No need to double down on her and increase her anxiety but maybe she'll get motivated when you're only funding her basic needs and not her wants.

I tanked my a levels and had no ambition or direction at 18. I took a year out ( had to get a menial job to pay board mind) and then went abroad to do voluntary work with a charity. That sparked something in me and I found a sense of direction. Maybe see if she fancies any voluntary work opportunities that are available?

Absolutely.

But
Refusal to engage
School avoidance
High anxiety
ASD in the family
Onlinelife
No social life

Are all classic markers for ASD.

I worked with children from war torn countries suffering ptsd - that didn’t make me an expert in advising people how to handle children from war torn countries suffering ptsd

When it comes to mental health struggles or conditions like ADHD/Autism, you’re much better off listening to those who actually have personal experience with these things, OP

If my parents had “stopped financing” me once I left school and before I was ready to provide for myself, I’d be dead. The pressure of potentially being homeless would have pushed me over the edge and my parents sure as hell would have been happier paying for my food than my casket

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

All classic signs of trauma too or dysfunctional family dynamics.

One of mine was like this, I worried but looking back he was just a lazy so and so and couldn't be bothered to do the work. So he dropped out of A levels and got a job, at first he loved it well the money anyway but before too long he was visiting old friends at uni and envying the fun they were having, then they graduated and got good jobs and were earning more than him.

He went to night school and got his A levels, went to uni and got a 1st Class honours degree and went on to do post grad.

Sometimes they just need to grow up, I don't know if your DD would be the same but I look back now and think he'd have been better leaving at 16 instead of wasting everyone's time for nearly two years but hindsight is wonderful He got there in the end. I hope it works out for your DD and try not to worry too much which I know is easier said than done. Most of all don't listen to anyone who says you only get the chance once as that is rubbish, I left school at 16 and went back to studying at nearly 30 with 2 kids. It was the right time for me.

If she previously had such good grades and now she has fallen so far down and is also lacking motivation and abandoning her plans she had before, I would look into whether the medication is having some ill effects, on top of the anxiety. Sometimes the particular drug or dosage is off. Our friend’s son spiraled downward into terribly dark thoughts as a result of his medication. He got it changed to a different type and dosage and is doing much better.

I took medication for a very short while for anxiety years ago. It made me feel not like myself and I called the doctor and she told me to slowly begin tapering off it and I’m so glad I did. Sometimes the side effects of a medicine can be worse than what you’re taking it for. It’s worth looking into just in case.

Autism is partly genetic though.

Hi op. My dd didn't do well at sixth form. Totally dropped out after struggling through the first year. She has anxiety although wasn't medicated. I let her drop out in the February. I let her just rest a bit and then we started looking at college courses. Went to a couple of open days and spoke to them about support for her mental health. She chose a college to take 3 A levels. They were very supportive and she had a mentor there. Confidence grew. She's now at uni and much better. Maybe visit some colleges/open days see if anything interests her and see what support they have there

All classic signs of trauma / family dynamics gone awry / unspoken and unacknowledged anything / a teenager who hasn't quite found her way yet

Autism is partly genetic, but so is mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

My sibling has Autism, and I don’t. We both have mental health struggles, and both have been tested for all sorts of conditions. Sibling “tested positive” (so to speak) for Autism, I never did

And to add, I also had
Refusal to engage
School avoidance
High anxiety
ASD in the family
Onlinelife
No social life

Still wasn’t autistic

But we don’t know if there is a family history of depression//trauma/dysfunction. We do know however, that there is a close relative with ASD

It sounds like she needs time to recover her mental health. Doing A level exams, or anything else high pressured like that, cannot be helping her recovery. Maybe a relatively easy job would do her the world of good, until she's hopefully better and ready to think about what she actually wants to do. She can always go back to college later.

If you don't know it's not there I wouldn't have thought it would be wise to rule it out.

@VanillaCandles

Same. Ticked all those boxes. Not autistic. Did have some family dynamics that were terribly dysfunctional underneath the surface and not at all acknowledged or “out there” so to speak.

Me too. Lots of family drama, unstable relationships. Now an adult with avoidant attachment style (that’s the one where you’re like “everyone’s out to hurt me so I’ll be alone!” I think) but still not autistic

You’re writing off a possible neurodriversity because she doesn’t have the same symptoms as your brother.

Girls present differently to boys, different conditions present differently to each other, girls are better at masking. Look at the amount of women diagnosed in adulthood because of this.

Loads of markers here scream that something is going on (as PP said, this was me in a nutshell and surprise I have ADHD) please don’t let your own ignorance stand in the way of possibly changing her life.