To be so disappointed that DD has tanked her A Levels?

[Minfilia]

DD18 has always been a bright kid, but completely fails to apply herself.

She has anxiety which has ended up with school avoidance - so I changed my working hours so I could drop her for the lessons she had and she could come home for free periods as she said that would help.

She then still found it too much and dropped one of her subjects with the promise she would do better in the others.

Yet she’s dropped from B to D grades in both and now school want her to take the lower AS level courses. So she will come away with 2 lesser qualifications and may not even do well in those.

She also has zero plans for post school (which finishes in weeks!) - no desire to work and no desire to go to uni.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I have no idea what to do to motivate her as she just seems to want to sit around and do nothing!!

Very well said. I agree with you.

@Htrggm amen to that.

Didn’t read all the comments but straight away it sound like your daughter could have adhd. I don’t think there is much you can do other than support her regardless of what grades she achieves, although qualifications can help lots of people go on to have great lives without them.

Lots of adults are assessed and diagnosed late for ASD. Especially women. Traits will have been there all their life for them but often masked or brushed off as something else.

My DD was diagnosed just before she turned. 11. It took 5 years and a discharge without diagnosis first due to lack of evidence (in school). Interestingly I work with autistic children and see lots of different presentations and when I looked more into the female presentation I started to take more notice of the traits. Often things pop up now on my FB memories from when she was small and we thought she had done something funny or quirky but they turn out to be red flags for traits we didn’t know about.

My DD comes across very sociable and always has friends. Never been in the cool crowd but always gets on with groups of other children. Goes to lots of clubs outside of school as well as in school. But actually she likes the structure of these clubs as they are predictable. It’s become more obvious as she’s got older that she struggles with small talk so you get a lot of conversations which can appear random and not connected to what is being discussed - often triggered by something that’s just been said though. Her special interest is actually a colour. Well, one of them. She has developed and changed her special interests over the years as she engages with new things presented to her at school. She never gets into trouble at school. Always behaves. She comes across older than she is sometimes when she speaks. She sounds knowledgable and has an adult tone.

We did unpick lots of things though. Sensory issues around clothing, hair being brushed or washed, having shower, general personal hygiene issues - not much care in appearance one minute but then colour matching perfectly another minute. Collecting things - these can sometimes change but she has a few ongoing collections. Likes a routine. Not massively motivated if nothing is structured for her. Won’t revise - I was in the lesson so why do I need to?? For certain things she has a real photographic memory but for others her memory is useless. The list goes on.

Agree. Tough love fgs! These suggestions would be disastrous.

This. She needs loving support. Help her find out about herself and what she wants. She sounds depressed. I went through the same thing at that age. For me it was a difficult home situation. I eventually came out of the other side. It’s not unusual especially at this time of life. She may not be cut out for Uni. Or maybe not now.

We all do it but remember she needs a proper assessment not trying to diagnose yourself. Can you find money for this? It will be much faster if you are in Uk hoping for NHS . For what it’s worth it just popped into my head that she might like working with animals and then saw that you already had pets which seem to help. Any volunteering at local charities? Vets? Try to not worry too much. A classically difficult phase.

Well it isn’t much better a few days on.

Yesterday - missed her lesson because the time changed and she says she didn’t know (I suspect she just didn’t check her emails)

This morning - I went into her room and she was still asleep at the time we were meant to be leaving.

Also received her school report for this cycle which is now predicting 2 U’s. Her GCSEs were 6-9s.

So I am coming to the conclusion that it could well be ADHD (she doesn’t really fit the symptoms of autism specific to girls but has a hell of a lot of the ADHD traits). Getting a GP appointment is difficult though - everything is phone triaged and she point blank refuses to talk on the phone. But I am going to talk to her this week about the possibility of ADHD and see if I can persuade her to let me talk for her if she can’t/won’t do it herself.

I am also wondering if there’s even any point in her finishing the school year and going through the stress of exams just to end up falling.

She does need a proper assessment i agree. We could pay for one privately but my understanding is that the NHS won’t then “accept” it or fund any medication. So we’d be stuck having to find the cost of it every month for an indefinite period, which is far from ideal!

A private diagnosis absolutely will be taken seriously if it meets the same criteria as the NHS one (i.e. isn't just the word of one psychologist etc. which is cheaper and some people are happy with especially if they don't want to take any diagnosis further).

Clinicians can advise on how to perform the assessments so they meet criteria. There are some very good and respected routes to diagnosis that specialise in women/girls e.g. the Lorna Wing Centre. They see both private and NHS patients.

Get practical with her. Exain that she needs
to contribute, either financially to the household by working somewhere (not by claiming benefits) or by volunteering in the community. Don't mollycoddle her, it will make her worse

Doing something useful will help her mental health enormously. Perhaps being part of a community farm or gardening project? Craft group? A complete rest from being in her head.

She needs encouragement towards a sense of ownership her problems and that she can find and create solutions. School is probably the least helpful environment for her

She must be so upset that she is academically failing but please let her know it doesn't matter- there are so many ways to succeed in life and she is still, and always will be the same bright intelligent fab girl she has always been

OP, just to give you some reassurance, this was me at your daughter's age. High anxiety resulting in procrastination and avoidance. The stress and pressure was so much that I just shut down. I didn't fail my A-levels, but I did do significantly worse than predicted.
I'm now 45. I have a successful career that I love and that pays very well. I found my niche and your daughter will too.
My BIL completely failed his A-levels - all U. Very bright but very uncommitted to study at the time. He went on to do an apprenticeship and is now a very successful engineer at 43.
Please try not to worry too much but do talk to your DD about options. If she loves gaming, could she get work experience or an entry level job at a gaming company, for example? She will find her way, she's just a bit lost a the moment.

For ADHD, my daughter was diagnosed privately (over Zoom during lockdown, with lots of questionnaires etc). She was prescribed meds, and once she had settled down in them and the psychiatrist had found the right dose for her, her GP agreed to accept care and she now gets her meds on the NHS. We were paying for them for about a year and they were about 40 pounds a month.

Hi OP, we had ADHD and ADOS done privately and not only did the GP and NHS paediatrician accept them, they were very complimentary about the quality. The medication we prescribed was taken on by the GP after a month so only cost us one month private prescription.

My DC was a good 10 years younger though. Much easier when you don't have to convince them to be assessed...

ADHD assessment is cheaper than ADOS. A good book is 'The Parents' Guide to ADHD medications' (Peter Hill).

You need a 6th form (assuming she wants to restart at some point) that takes more individual interest in students and maybe has more of a vocational offer alongside A-levels. Mine does (it's a large state comp) -- you certainly wouldn't be finding out about 2 'U's this late in the day!

Universities (if that's something she later wants to do) vary hugely re support. Some are very good - especially not the "big name" ones.

Apologies, haven't read the full thread but she sounds very similar to me at that age. I got great GCSEs and very mediocre A levels but my DParents really pushed me to continue in education despite my anxiety ( With the very best of intentions). It didn't go well, and I haven't done particularly well in my career tbh as I've always been trying to do something I haven't been particularly suited to. I look back and wish I had trained as a hairdresser or similar straight after school.

Absolutely this, you say you are do everything to support but she will feel your disappointment that you admit to feeling. Stop feeling disappointed, I gave an example of my son dropping out earlier in this thread and he is now 5years on doing brilliantly. I also got pregnant in 6th form and dropped out but now have a degree, a masters and a well paying job. It really doesn't matter that she fails or drops out of A levels, she can pick education back up or find another way, she will find the route that suits her. Let her breathe ❤️

My dc were also assessed and diagnosed privately, although for ASD - shared care is set up following titration, but we are still going through the process with the specialist paediatrician who diagnosed them. She writes prescriptions for free (I know that many charge unfortunately) and then I just pay the standard prescription charge at the pharmacy (as their meds are lower cost than this - one take propanolol and the other sertraline, both for anxiety - possibly ADHD meds are more expensive).

Try looking into support for taking her out and homeschooling. Not in the way lots of people are at the minute but specifically for English and maths GCSE. I know someone who was in a very similar situation and they were able to arrange through EA that the teenager wouldn't return to school but 2 tutors would come to the home and teach them for a few hours each week. It did mean by the end of 5th year they only had 2 GCSEs but it was more than if they'd tried to force it. After that they were in a much better place to decide what to do going forward.
I recently went through a private referral process and if you're in England it's much easier as you can go through Psychiatry UK.
Unfortunately because so many people, particularly women and girls are now getting the recognition they deserve services are overwhelmed so there may still be a delay. Even privately I had to wait 1 year.

Apologies just realised she's doing A levels but still worth seeing if the school or EA can come to a similar agreement re homeschool work.

You’ve done all you can do to support her at the moment. You could see if there is something else going on with her as suggested, but even if a diagnosis is sought and given it’s not going to help for now.
I don’t think my son is going to cut it with his a levels this summer either, he’s had a tricky few months and I’m has always been unpredictable and often underachieves despite bright, adhd and probably many other things! I’ve made peace with what will be will be. However I won’t be mollycoddling him he’s got to find a path. He may surprise me, we’ll see .
Not all young peoples paths are straightforward and some take longer to get there. I myself totally bombed my a levels, miraculously got an offer to attend local uni through clearing (I really should have resat a levels) I thrived at uni and went on to get a good career and got offered a prestigious graduate traineeship. I run a successful professional business now and have had to sit many professional exams. I’m unpredictable and on occasions I’ve had to take resists in exams, but got there in the end.
My ex husband similar story, totally bummed a levels, then went to different 6th form to resit, still didn’t get good enough grades so got a full time job. Don’t work out, got sacked, then resat an A level again, scrapped into uni 2 years later, did well, passed professional exams and has a very high paying prestigious job now.
Neither of us had parents that would allow us to sit around and do nothing, had to keep working and studying. Hard work pays off, knock backs give you resilience. You can’t live her life for her, it’s hard but she’s got to find her own path. Sounds like may need to come back to education maybe at another point in her life after a break. Encourage her to get a job, try some things out. Good luck.

The NHS would accept the diagnosis. At worst the NHS would wait until the titration process is over to put her prescription on repeat, at best they take over prescribing straight away.

Last year they took over prescribing my meds immediately. Each time my prescription changed I just had to hand in my consultant letter outlining the new medication.

Not all children mature at the same time and not all children are cut out for the rat race to the top. Be careful you dont push her towards something she isnt cut out for or ready for.

My boy was an immature student. TBH i was shocked he came out with 3 very good A levels. However he wasnt ready to go to uni (He had enough to go) and he didnt have any real plans. In the end he got a run of the mill job, earns his money, pays us a bit of keep and is growing up. He has holidays with his friends, has a nice car and is not shy of working. He is earmarked now for management at his place of work because he is showing maturity he didnt have 18months ago.

Its not the end of the world to not get the grades YOU want for your daughter. Maybe she just needs encouraged to find her own way in the world. This doesnt mean sit on her arse though, there is a difference.