To be so disappointed that DD has tanked her A Levels?

[Minfilia]

DD18 has always been a bright kid, but completely fails to apply herself.

She has anxiety which has ended up with school avoidance - so I changed my working hours so I could drop her for the lessons she had and she could come home for free periods as she said that would help.

She then still found it too much and dropped one of her subjects with the promise she would do better in the others.

Yet she’s dropped from B to D grades in both and now school want her to take the lower AS level courses. So she will come away with 2 lesser qualifications and may not even do well in those.

She also has zero plans for post school (which finishes in weeks!) - no desire to work and no desire to go to uni.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I have no idea what to do to motivate her as she just seems to want to sit around and do nothing!!

Do have experience in this area? Any training or qualifications?

Anxiety is very different to a broken leg. It is not an ‘illness’ in this sense of the word but a pattern of thinking styles that spiral into anxiety.

In my (considerable) experience it is fixable but only when the person experiencing it wants to fix it.

Medication might make it more manageable temporarily but it is not an effective long-term solution.

I'm shocked at how many people are forcefully diagnosing OPs daughter with autism having never met her, don't know her background, her views. All they're going off is mums perspective of a situation.

She could have autism. But she could also have mental health difficulties or circumstances she's not making mum aware of.

I was similar at her age. Straight A student throughout my GCSEs didn't havr to work much to do well, then just didn't apply myself for A levels, thought I could pass them easily but didn't. Came out with good enough results to go to college and knew what I wanted to do so that helped. But I suffered with anxiety, depression, eating disorder and was consumed by it during my teenage years and couldn't cope with the pressure.
What really helped was getting a part time job waitressing - as much as I loved it I knew I wanted more out of life and it gave me the reality check to work hard at college and go to uni. What also helped was deferring college place for a year to go travelling (alone) - time away from it all to relax/clear my head for a few months (paid for by my part time job) - I came back a different person. And exercise did wonders, alongside seeing a child psychiatrist - gave me. Better coping mechanisms for my mental health problems.

I just wanted to send a bit of solidarity OP. It’s so tough- and you have tried so much already, which I can completely understand must have been utterly draining and exhausting. It’s all fine and well PP berating you, but it is a fine line with teenagers and it’s hard to know what to do for the best. I get it entirely and also that feeling of wondering whether you’ll be supporting them in this way at 19/20/25?? Hang in there and I hope you’re able to look after yourself.

2 points on these posts, as someone with an anxiety disorder who has been not medically treated and medically treated

From the ages of 12-19, I was un medicated for my anxiety. I had motivation to do the things I was comfortable doing, but no drive to look after myself or delve into the trauma that caused it. I was suicidal. Being unmedicated was impossible.

I’ve been medicated since 19 (mid-late 20s) now. I still have the same level of motivation and with age has come motivation to get a job/house/car/relationship and all that. I’m no longer suicidal.

I went off antidepressants because I was under the impression they weren’t a “long term solution”. I attempted to take my life. I went back on them, got better. Went off again, attempted to take my life. I’ve been back on them since and will be on them for the rest of my life.

Like any other conditions that require long term treatment, my mental health is a daily medication deal. A diabetic takes daily medication, so do I. No amount of therapy helped me. I had to grow up and adapt to my trauma, and treat the chemical imbalance that was exacerbating my symptoms.

So medication for mental illness is absolutely a long term solution

Look into Access to Higher Education courses. Worked well for someone I know in a similar situation, they are at university studying Law now at Birmingham University

You projecting and diagnosing people through the internet based on limited information is far from helpful - or accurate.

It's fine to suggest it, but the way you're insisting this young person has ASD is inappropriate.

If diagnosing someone was as easy as you've made out, there wouldn't be the waiting lists that exist

If you are a qualified professional working in mental health then I am concerned by your simplistic and generalised view of anxiety, what it is and how it can be “solved”. You have given your opinion, that’s it.

It does sound like ASD/ADHD burnout as that often presents as anxiety in girls. Also ASD is so varied that you can have two people who are polar opposites and both with autism.

She’s only had medication for four months. That’s barely enough time to even have an effect on her, there’s no way her A levels could have been a success.

Another thing too is that certain medications have atypical side effects on people with ASD, so her feeling worse instead of better might be due to that.

Id set aside a full calendar year to tackle her mental health. Don’t pressure her to plan her future or go get a job. The priority needs to be tackling the anxiety and getting to the root of why she is feeling so poorly.

‘Inappropriate’

Its a chat room, not an online surgery😂

Medication might make it more manageable temporarily but it is not an effective long-term solution

I’ve been on them for 20 years. Seen 4 psychiatrists in that time. All have told me I’m on them for life. Nothing else works.

Does every thread have to be diverted into an endless discussion about autism, the thread isn’t even about that. Disclaimer, I am not talking to the people who have difficulties with autism and loved ones with it. I bet people with autism are even sick and tired of constantly being labeled and dissected as if their entire world revolves around that aspect of their lives. They probably would like to be treated as normal human beings which they are. I know my son’s friend does who has autism. He deserves more than just focusing on that. My son has type one but we don’t let it affect his every waking moment and he doesn’t either even though it could be argued that it does affect every waking and sleeping moment. But it can’t be mentally healthy to constantly focus on it, dwell in it endlessly, immerse ourselves in it. Get on with life, do what needs to be done to manage the condition and improve everything we can, and carry on living. Yes it’s good to talk openly about it etc but goodness. To stew in its juices 24/7 is not the answer. Don’t let it take over everything because that then becomes their whole identity, limiting a person unnecessarily and diminishing other aspects, and that is just wrong in my opinion. It’s becoming a public fetish instead of helpful to the persons dealing with it.

I agree that this poster is being unhelpful. Also, the insistence is strange given that the OP has clearly been seeking help for her daughter and though medication is easy enough to get, therapy isn't, unless she is paying herself. It's a bit patronizing, all this insistence.

Uni is not for everyone OP. It doesn't sound like she would cope particularly well there anyway, all the pressure she has now, plus living in a strange environment away from everyone she knows.
A couple of years in a job may help her. Earning her own money, bit of responsibility, paying you rent, having to turn up to places on time. She can visit the idea of further education later.
My mum crashed out of school at 16, got a job, eventually went to work for an airline. Only went back to studying when she had me early 30s, got her A Levels, then a degree, very successful teaching career and eventually a masters. It's not over for your DD yet. It's just not her time.

I agree. Qualifications are not everything. I'm assuming your DD has some decent GCSE grades, which will enable her to do a vocational course in the future if she feels like it.

In the meantime, I would do as other posters have suggested and continue to investigate ND traits. Even without a diagnosis, you may feel that she has some traits and some of the ways that people manage these conditions may also be of use to your DD.

I also suggest that she considers changing her dosage or type of medication. What changes did you notice when she started on it? Also, is she is on other medication?

I like the suggestion that PP have made that she does some chores around the house to earn money for her hobbies

OP, your dd sounds a lot like mine a few years ago. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and signed off school by the doctor. It was so bad she couldn't get out of bed, despite DPs threats to take away her phone and drag her to school. He was utterly useless and unsympathetic. CAMHS were little help with their one-size-fits-all method, and we eventually found a private therapist.
DD managed to sit her GCSEs and did quite well. She went into retail and did a BTEC level 3 in retail management. 3 yrs on she's training to be a dog groomer and so much happier.
There is light at the end of the tunnel OP. Keep talking to your dd and it will get better.

I would encourage her to get a job for a year and then think about uni after that.
She is finding the studying too much.

Does she have any interests like animals and she could look for work in a rescue centre. Yes it is hard work but it’s very rewarding which she may benefit from.

She could go baxk packing over the summer, force to be independent and put work into researching places. Could go anywhere in the world. It was the making of me after falling into a deep depression.
You seemed to have made a lot of accommodations for her to help her but I think she really needs to help herself here or she isn't going to learn or mature.
It's OK for her not to know what she wants to do with herself, I didn't at her age, she needs to figure out who she is and what she wants from life

Giving her everything on a plate to "take the pressure off" actually is incredibly demotivating in itself. She needs structure and routine and if that means working to pay her way in the short term then that's a good thing. Taking pressure off of long term career plans is fine but she has to have some pressure in order to actually function and live like an adult.

Simpler happened to a friend, very academic, anxiety and other issues made a levels very difficult and couldn't face uni. Got into a really good apprenticeship and is doing fab. There are so many choices around to train while you earn - if she's not sure what she wants to do yet maybe just pick something to try first with training and wages and see how she feels in a year or two. She's not well and a levels is a huge amount of pressure. I don't think I've found anything as difficult since, and I went to uni and got a half decent degree.

Girls present as ASC (autistic spectrum condition / not disorder) in a completely different way! and it’s in the family! Do some research please op and I thoroughly recommend the podcast: square peg.

A bright kid with "anxiety" who fails to apply herself?
A straight-A "gifted" student who got straight A's at GCSE and then tanked her A-levels.

Sounds like me. Felt like a failure my whole life because my parents and teachers blamed me for not achieving what I "should" have done.

Diagnosed with ADHD at age 34 and more at peace than I've been my whole life. Successful career in a field where it doesn't matter. 😊 It was never anxiety, that's why the medication didn't work. It was ADHD the whole time and they missed it because I'm a girl.

I dont actually have much advice on what to do now but your post reminds me so much of my sister. She had severe anxiety during high school. She managed some gcses but it got worse. She got 1 AS level the dropped out before her final year. The family just gave her love and support and encouragement to try anything she showed any interest in. It was a dark time and i know my mum was terrified because she seemed to have switched off and just didnt care.

She's now 27, working for a really fun and prestigious company, finally getting qualified through the OU, engaged to a man that we all love and about to buy her first home.

She still has times where her anxiety becomes a lot and she falls back into bad patterns. She has to keep up with a strict routine of therapy, medicine and healthy living but she really has turned it around. Just putting this to say this time in kids lives are hard and this isnt the be all and end all. My mum could have written your post though.

I agree free tuition is not to be passed up. I think a FE college could be a good idea as she could feel more in control (less rules than school) but with the structure of a schedule and same age peers. She will be in so much debt if she waits until she's 20 to enroll to retake her a levels! If a levels don't suit her maybe she could do a vocational course like hairdressing, beauty or nursery nursing/early years. Imo finding a social group who 'get her' and a lot of encouragement could make a massive difference.

She might just feel like it’s too much pressure. I have 2 the same age, one sitting A Levels and one in their second year at college, about to go into third. Neither wants to go to Uni at this stage and that’s fine. One’s looking into apprenticeships and one’s deciding in their last year. From what I’ve heard the A Levels have been quite hard this year too. Have you asked her if there’s anything else at all that she’s interested in? It’s not Uni but it’s better than nothing if she has an answer and some kind of direction. I hated school at her age so I kind of know how she feels. I wish you both all the best, no matter what’s decided.