To be so disappointed that DD has tanked her A Levels?

[Minfilia]

DD18 has always been a bright kid, but completely fails to apply herself.

She has anxiety which has ended up with school avoidance - so I changed my working hours so I could drop her for the lessons she had and she could come home for free periods as she said that would help.

She then still found it too much and dropped one of her subjects with the promise she would do better in the others.

Yet she’s dropped from B to D grades in both and now school want her to take the lower AS level courses. So she will come away with 2 lesser qualifications and may not even do well in those.

She also has zero plans for post school (which finishes in weeks!) - no desire to work and no desire to go to uni.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I have no idea what to do to motivate her as she just seems to want to sit around and do nothing!!

Op take a look at the Medikinet thread i started in the SEN board. Lots of us there have got private dx and nhs are prescribing the medication.

Perhaps a private diagnosis to get her through this point in life whilst on the NHS wait list for a diagnosis (if indeed it is ADHD).

It also depends on your GP as to whether they are happy to take over prescribing the ADHD medications if she is settled on them so it is not a blanket no.

@Minfilia - I don’t know whereabouts in the country you are, but if you want I can send you a link to at least one provider doing NHS right to choose apts for ADHD and ASD, where you will have a much shorter waiting time than on your local pathway.

My DD was diagnosed using an out of county right to choose provider, it took 5 months from referral to diagnosis.

@Littlebluebellwoods @Aquamarine1029

Side by side two totally opposing posts.

@celticprincess

Out of interest what were the quirks when younger pleaae

With all due respect and you sound like a lovely mum but even though you say no pressure, all of the activities you've mentioned are pressure. You've carried your daughter through a time when she should have been learning to carry herself and I know very hard as she has anxiety but it's possible that MH problems made difficult by the expectations that you have. Have you had counselling yourself? I'd recommend it. My parents did similar for my brother, booked taxis for his exams, bailed him out, made excuses. I'm sad to say but he's now nearly 40 and he lives with my mum, works now and again but honestly if she's not here I think he'd be on the streets. My parents both arrange/d their lives around him but it's never helped him become a functioning adult. Your daughter needs to get a job, but it's not too late for her exams. Often you can do better than mocks because they're anonymous, she doesn't have the teachers bias or expectations when they're marked so can give it her all if she wants.

I see numerous people have suggested ADHD, so i may just be repeating.
ADHD presents differently in girls and has only relatively recently been talked about more, so the majority of teachers still don't recognise it and it is often misdiagnosed as anxiety or depression. I was diagnosed at 40 and no one had ever suggested it about me!! I only realised when reading up on it for my child.
I was bright enough, that I mostly sailed through school until I moved to a levels (which I also pretty much tanked except one, which was a new subject to me, that I found fascinating)never got in trouble really- though I did get told off for chatting slot, between around age 9-13,and lots of comments about rushing my work and not fulfilling potential on school reports (despite passing everything comfortably)
If it is ADHD (which it may be or she could just be depressed from being anxious and not knowing she wants to do with her life) all motivation and focus is interest based, so the key will really come down to figuring out something she can do that she will enjoy, even if just in the short term, she doesnt have to do it forever.

Also re going private it varies from county to county. Mine accepts private assessments to then transfer to GP. So worth asking your doctor's.

I have been in your daughters shoes. I tanked out of my AS levels with 2 Us and a B. My parent’s motto at the time was “education and work can wait, your mental health can’t”. I dropped out of school and got a part time job for a year just so that I had something to do. After a year I found a college course that was super interesting even though it wasn’t that academic. I became pregnant before my 20th birthday, a single mum before my 21st.
HOWEVER
I then decided I wanted better for my life, so did my undergrad degree through distance learning (I met the entry requirements thanks to the college course) and went on to complete my MSc at one of the top 3 unis in the UK.
I am forever grateful that my parents didn’t give up on me and supported me through the time in life where I felt lost and a complete failure. They did also support me financially when I dropped out of my A levels - I’m not sure I would have got where I am today if they hadn’t.

Personally I would tell her to drop them right now. If she isn’t going to achieve as well as she could then don’t ruin them. Maybe get a job for a bit.
She can always return to them at a later point or do an Access to Higher Education course for free once she is 19.
Her mental health is the most important thing.
(I say this as someone who dropped out of A Levels after AS and went back to college to do an Access course, then went onto study Law at university).

Thank you so much for sharing those checklists. The last couple of years (I’m early 40’s, female) I have started to suspect I may have ASD or ADHD. I just read those checklists and ticked pretty much every single one as a child. I’m so cross that these things were just never picked up back then - and because I was “teachers pet” and the “model student” in school, I guess there was no incentive for them to push for a diagnosis.

I just don’t know what to do about it now - I don’t have the money to get privately diagnosed, I’m not sure it would be covered through private healthcare at work, and I don’t want to try to get a drs appointment for it as it’s a nightmare getting an appointment for anything.

But at least this is helping me to understand why I don’t really have any friendships, and tend to get on better with men than women on the whole!

Getting quite worried by the number of posters who seem to think the way to deal with mental health issues is to sit around the house doing nothing, learning nothing, scrolling phones, getting no daylight or exercise, and contributing nothing.

We GET that mental health issues are real, people, but just as people recovering from injuries need to get up and do physio and people with high cholesterol need to exercise and move about, so most people with mental health issues need to get up and do things.

Yes of course. But in good time. Forcing exposure in someone who is in, say, the trough of autistic burnout, will just redouble the trauma. They need time, and then small steps, not just telling to pull themselves together and get a job.

There was a time when any pressure would have DS literally shaking. He had a complete breakdown. Now he cooks, goes out to the shops if he wants something, comes on days out when he wants to. These things take time.

Autistic burnout and mental health issues are not the same thing.

Phones generally help with autistic burnout, because they connect you to people without having to chat face to face.

She's anxious. So are lots of people, and they still need to work and earn a living.

Try watching Jessica mcabe how to adhd YouTube channel. See if she resonates with that.

Adhd really shows up when kids start having to manage workloads and get things done. It effectively makes it really hard to do homework. Not the actual academic bit but the doing and organising. Plus rejection sensitivity disphoria also big adhd side symptom means when you get behind you want to avoid being in a place where you haven't done the work. It is like what a neurotypical brain would feel but with a much higher magnitude. It feels kind of unbearable.

If its not adhd, maybe she just isn't motivated because she doesn't have any problems. Ie she doesn't feel that she needs a job because she's happy at home and doesn't need to pay for anything.
I read this book called boundaries and effectively to help kids mature, they need to be given responsibilities so they can take more ownership of their lives.

But if she's just doing a levels, it's not unreasonable to think she may not know what she wants to do. If you go to university later on in life, if you're 25 or older you get a full maintenence loan and grant. And you have more time to think about what to study. I think its tricky to get finance for more than one degree so a good idea to get it right.

Theres loads of jobs and careers that also don't need degrees.

(If I were you I'd teach her about compound interest and investing and how if she invests a small amount per month at her age, she'll be able to retire early.)

Yes - she is on medication. She did have therapy too but refused to go so they discharged her

It might have caused her to feel nothing which would also mean not feeling hope or motivation. Without therapy will the medication do what is hoped or be more of a hindrance ?

There is a difference between mental health issues and then neurodiversity.
I really suggest that you get a really good understanding of whatever it is that she's suffering from. Maybe ring the charity mind or something.

I think you need to show compassion. Just because you can't see the issue like a missing leg, doesn't mean you should then pressure her to behave how you expect someone without the issue would. You wouldn't force her to hike 10 km with a broken leg so why not try and get some understanding.