To be so disappointed that DD has tanked her A Levels?

[Minfilia]

DD18 has always been a bright kid, but completely fails to apply herself.

She has anxiety which has ended up with school avoidance - so I changed my working hours so I could drop her for the lessons she had and she could come home for free periods as she said that would help.

She then still found it too much and dropped one of her subjects with the promise she would do better in the others.

Yet she’s dropped from B to D grades in both and now school want her to take the lower AS level courses. So she will come away with 2 lesser qualifications and may not even do well in those.

She also has zero plans for post school (which finishes in weeks!) - no desire to work and no desire to go to uni.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I have no idea what to do to motivate her as she just seems to want to sit around and do nothing!!

dd2 is about to tank her GCSEs for similar reasons.

she has had a very traumatic 2 years though and is not right at all.

it is frustrating but her mental health comes first

I’ve booked a hotel when she had a school trip just so she wouldn’t have to do the overnight there which caused her huge anxiety

Yepl’ve had to do this too. It’s not maternal anxiety.

not to hijack, but I went to an adult education center (I was the youngest in the class and well looked after because of it), and then went and did a diploma with a well known UNI via online learning. I maintain, to this day, it’s the only way I could have ever attended college.

Both were part time courses (2 days a week), and I did my work experience one day a week. Two years for my adult education center qualification, and only two months for my diploma.

Might be worth looking into for your DD

And she's about to be ill as an adult. As an adult with anxiety that requires medication and therapy, I still have to pay a mortgage, hold down a job and contribute to society. She's likely to suffer from this on and off for the rest of her life. It's nothing like a broken leg which heals itself in 6 weeks if you keep it in a cast. She needs to learn how she's going to push through it and manage her symptoms or she will end up destroying her life.

Maybe right now isn't the time for school, but she can't just sit there and refuse treatment and play the ill card and expect mum to continue subsidising her.

Try not to be disappointed. It sounds like she's not in great place right now. Exams often coincide with people going through difficult times or being unwell, and such an emphasis gets out of their 'failure' or not achieving what is expected. In reality, they just haven't achieved what is expected at an arbitrary point in time.

please support your daughter through this, continue to believe in her, and help her get the treatment she needs. With the right support, she will rediscover herself and her goals and achieve what she needs to.

I say this from a position of experience. I couldn't even sit my A levels due to anxiety. Everyone focused on the waste, my failure, but one apiary, it was just timing. With support, I did an Access course a couple of years later, went to uni and did a masters. the biggest barrier became the negativity and doubt I faced because I hadn't my achieved what was expected at the time people thought I should. Had my parents believed in my throughout, I know I would have found moving forwards much easier.

So while I do understand your disappointment, keep believing and don't lose faith.

People on MN are quick to diagnose

Or people on MN have a wide variety of life experiences, including direct experience of living with undiagnosed ASD/a delayed diagnosis of ASD in girls.

If someone posted that they were losing weight, always thirsty and always tired would it be "quick to diagnose" if posters said they should consider the possibility of being diabetic? Or does the "quick to diagnose" derision only apply to neurodiversity?

No one on here has diagnosed the DD, they've only suggested that OP considers undiagnosed ASD as a potential factor.

Op - your brother is autistic? Autism is hereditary and ADHD is as well - and these often come together. Unfortunately, if you are comparing your daughter to your brother and looking for signs she will come up short because males and females rarely present the same way. School refusing and anxiety is a major sign for girls. Girls have the ability to mask but then get sensory overload and need to chill to recover hence often seem to be doing nothing. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 54...I had no clue that I was neuro diverse. Even my parents who participated in the interview could not get their head around it - but I have all the female markers for ADHD. I only found out I did after my daughter realised she had ADHD after reading an article - even her teachers did not realise but now she has stopped masking around them they totally get it.

I’m surprised that as a lay person you write off a possibility of autism or ADD - very surprised.

Maybe right now isn't the time for school, but she can't just sit there and refuse treatment and play the ill card and expect mum to continue subsidising her

She’s 17 and unwell. What else is she supposed to do. Get SSP? If she’s on medication at her age it’s been prescribed by a pysch as a GP can’t prescribe for an under 18.

I'm in a very similar situation and it breaks my heart as I know he will be furious with himself in the future. Mine has also gone from B to D grades. Year 12 was fine then he was diagnosed with a serious medical condition at the end of y12 and has steadily disengaged. Won't engage with certain teachers, uses his illness as an excuse on occasion for poor attendance. I do get it, he's had a big shock but I know he wants more from life than he's going ti get with those grades. Has place at uni (unconditional contextual offer) but is deferring as he doesn't want to go and thinks an apprenticeship is going ti knock in the door for him. He coasted through his GCSEs and begged me not to let him do that for A Levels. Yet here we are again and I'm the nagging mother. All we can do is be there to steer them in the right direction when they do realise they want to change. I say this as someone who dropped out of uni at 19 and went back at 31. It's never too late.

Had something similar with my eldest. Always used to crow about being the brighter one of the two of them. At one point was really keen on neurology, so chose subjects to support this. We didn’t dictate to him, all choices were his. But he just switched off, didn’t gel with his maths teacher. His results were poor, partly because he didn’t do well during Covid.

We let him have the summer following his exams off then we said if you’re not going to Uni, you need to get a job. Now he’s working in the local bar/restaurant. Seems to be doing well, enjoys the work and has moved up a rung or two but is still on a zero hours contract so only gets paid for the shifts he works. It’s been eye opening for him, as he’s discovered the public are not always nice and polite. Also challenging as the current climate means the restaurant isn’t always well staffed and well run. He’s adapted to late hours and working weekends, Bank Holidays etc.

It’s far from what we hoped for, but it’s up to him now. He has to decide either to stay and climb the ladder in the hospitality industry or perhaps at some point he’ll find something else he wants to do.

And she's about to be ill as an adult. As an adult with anxiety that requires medication and therapy, I still have to pay a mortgage, hold down a job and contribute to society. She's likely to suffer from this on and off for the rest of her life. It's nothing like a broken leg which heals itself in 6 weeks if you keep it in a cast. She needs to learn how she's going to push through it and manage her symptoms or she will end up destroying her life

Just awful. Her brain isn’t even fully developed yet. I held down jobs with severe anxiety all my life too. But some people are just more high functioning than others. Don’t apply adult rules to a child.

Poor girl,she is ill
Plenty of time for tough love,concentrate on getting her well

Please watch this video - its about UK's only government school for autistic girls and I think you'll find it interesting to listen to their anxiety and school problems. Plus worth looking at the women and girls and see if any of these with diagnosed autism 'fit' your imagine of autism as influenced by your experiences with your brother as I suspect most of them won't. Autism is a spectrum and if you meet one person with autism - you've met one person with autism.
Autism Documentary: Inside the UK’s only school for autistic girls - Bing video

I wish my dd could go to that school😐

I agree that there are BIG red flags here for undiagnosed neurodivergence.

I’m just applying for an EHCP for mine.

I agree with a lot of others on here that she sounds depressed, Op.

Others have given good advice. But when was the last time you saw her happy? What was she doing? Did she ever love any hobbies in the past?

Is she spending a lot of time on her phone?

She’s unwell.

With sympathy, because these situations are hard for parents, the disappointment is so evident in your post that she must be feeling such a let down, especially with three siblings doing well.

Practical tip - try chatting to her using Teams chat/Zoom chat/WhatsApp. I had a bit of a breakthrough with a very anxious student once like that. Sometimes we would Teams chat in the same room even. She would send me essays a paragraph at a time.

There is a service called MindJam you could check out if she's more comfortable online.

I understand your disappointment. I am in a similar position with my child. Please do not listen to all this 'tough love' advice. I find it astonishing that this is the advice when your daughter is suffering and is unwell. The main focus now, should be getting better. Forget everything else. A person who is well and happy wants to succeed. A person who is given 'tough love' is likely to become worse. If the meds aren't working, they need looking at. Also think about different therapy. She will not improve by you applying more pressure and telling her she's got to sort herself out.

No, she's nearly an adult and she's not making the effort to get better by not going to her therapy. You can only help someone who wants help. If you keep just sitting back and letting her do nothing and making excuses, she'll continue doing nothing. The failed a levels in themselves are something and nothing. She'll find what she's good, but not if OP protects her from life. She is going to be anxious, she needs to learn how not to shut down and that's not going to happen until she gets out there.

I was your dd, I had terrible anxiety and failed my A levels.

In hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened, I ended up getting a really boring job in a shop for a year which gave me time to get my head straight.

I then did camp America which led onto some more travelling and volunteer work. I came back with newfound confidence and got a job doing care work and decided to do my nurse training.

Did very well in nursing and am in a senior position now.

Let your dd find her own way would be my advice.

This is what I thought too. OP, has your DD had her medication reviewed recently?

She CAN’T engage though. It’s not that she won’t. They should have found away to engage her.

And it’s attitudes like yours that make it so hard for ASD people. She isn’t NT. why are you expecting her to engage like a NT? The majority of ND will find it difficult to engage.