To be so disappointed that DD has tanked her A Levels?

[Minfilia]

DD18 has always been a bright kid, but completely fails to apply herself.

She has anxiety which has ended up with school avoidance - so I changed my working hours so I could drop her for the lessons she had and she could come home for free periods as she said that would help.

She then still found it too much and dropped one of her subjects with the promise she would do better in the others.

Yet she’s dropped from B to D grades in both and now school want her to take the lower AS level courses. So she will come away with 2 lesser qualifications and may not even do well in those.

She also has zero plans for post school (which finishes in weeks!) - no desire to work and no desire to go to uni.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I have no idea what to do to motivate her as she just seems to want to sit around and do nothing!!

This is not the disaster it seems, there are many routes to happiness and success.
Give her some time and lots of love; she'll get there.

My DC crashed out of level 3 study twice. 4 years on is in a secure job with good training and advancement. Just been promoted. Boy did I worry. Of course has come good in the end.

Oh and there’s not a chance she’s smoking weed or taking drugs! She never sees her friends anymore for a start and is only interested in her online friends.

Chances of ADHD/autism are slim too. Aside from school avoidance there are no signs. My brother is autistic and she doesn’t show any of the symptoms.

There’s a task you could try if DD is willing. Set a timer for 10 minutes and ask her to write down or spider diagram or bullet point what she doesn’t want to do.

If she’s feeling up to it she can do another on what she does want to do.

Tell her to be honest, no judgment will come of it, you just want her to get some ideas out.

Hopefully a theme will emerge and you can explore some careers together or some therapeutic activities.

I'm no expert but it sounds to me it isn't just anxiety, it is depression too.

Hmmm I think YABU really. As a grown woman you surely realise there is more to life. Obviously A Levels would help her down a path to uni, but it doesn’t sound like she is or wants to be on a path to uni, so it’s a bit irrelevant?

For context I totally tanked my a levels too and am thriving 💫

Look into the signs of ADHD in girls. It isn’t bouncing off the walls and being hyper.

your daughter sounds A LOT like me 12 years ago. Diagnosed ADHD at 28 and now have a degree (which I also almost tanked prior to diagnosis) and work a professional job

What do her online friends do? I have friends who have had online friends for years meeting through different platforms, games etc and their lives sound so varied - could she tell you about one of them that is inspiring her?

Before completely discounting ASB especially with a family history of it make sure you look into how girls present as its very different to boys.

My DDs autism is very subtle and she masks like a boss. Shes incredibly intelligent and her ability masked her disability for years. She's relatively low needs but that doesn't mean it doesn't have a big impact on her and whilst she never shows challenging behaviour or melt downs, shut downs where she retreats into herself are frequent.

It might be best if she just doesn't sit the AS levels, as two grades would not be much use and might look bad in the future.
What about her doing something at college but with no career pressure, eg BTEC art & design or drama or similar? While she still has a year's funding. She could also get a part time job or volunteer once a week, anything to keep her engaged.
My dd1 was similar but crashed out much sooner, before her GCSEs. It's taken years, but she's now doing Open University and hopes to transfer to a brick University next year.

Does she realise the long term ramifications of doing badly?

It sounds like she needs to build her resilience, she's an adult now and won't have long to find employment and housing etc.

Is she in counselling? It sounds to me like she's letting the anxiety beat her. I suffer myself so I know it's hard, but she needs to push herself beyond her comfort zone, as clearly her comfort zone isn't conducive with living an independent and fulfilling life.

She needs to learn the ability to feel uncomfortable and do it anyway. But also, I suspect she isn't working at home either. Could she have a case of the lazy bones? If the school environment doesnt work for her, why isn't she working hard in the evenings to catch up?

I totally agree with this.
It is hard to do, particularly when she has anxiety, but unfortunately I also know families in this situation and where the parents have enabled, the situation has deteriorated and their mental health suffers even more.

She needs the routine and social contact of work. Even if her work is collecting glasses and washing up in a pub. Don’t let her mooch about at home with the curtains shut.
She needs to help with domestic jobs and start paying for her own phone, clothes, subscriptions, memberships etc. I wouldn’t personally be asking for rent or contributions to utilities until she’s more established.

She had to connect work and effort with choice and access to things that cost money. You don’t have to do it in a punitive or Victorian way. I’d go breezy presumption of it as a normal step whilst reassuring her that you don’t expect contributions due rent or utilities yet.

Where are you that AS is an option? Those courses tend to be independent of A level syllabus so learning may not easily transferrable at this point except perhaps certain subjects like maths. Would she consider resitting at a college or taking a new level 3 course?

Hi, of course you are worried. I have taught for many years all ages from primary to a level. I hope you don’t mind me saying this but sometimes children just are not ready yet. I don’t mean academically but for some reason they are not ready and it can be for so many things. It does sound like your daughter is suffering. I would say to her it’s okay to not be ready yet. What does she enjoy? You mention animals - would she like to work with them? Don’t worry about what level it could be mucking out stables or volunteering at a rescue centre. Anything to get her interests out side of herself.

I know many people who did not get good exam grades and found other paths that ultimately were so much better for them. My father said to me don’t worry lots of people cleverer than you failed their a levels. At the time I was a bit put out but now I see a wisdom in this. Lots of very clever amazing people fail exams and go on to do better than some of those who sail through.

So yes you are right to be worried but take the long view and don’t worry about failed exams. Try instead to help her find the key to unlock her interests and make that a new start.

ASD is partly genetic and a member of your family has it. And your dd has anxiwty🫤, which is also often ASD driven.

She sounds just like my dd. Autistic burnout and unable to do anything. May present as anxiety, exhaustion and severe procrastination.

All these people on here saying she’ll never get the chance again. Foundation degrees take people who’ve had their education disrupted for whatever reason. Illness is a normal reason.

And the fact that she has no social life and prefers online suggest ASD even more.

I know people are always quick to mentioned this but have you considered the possibility that she's neurodiverse, maybe ASD? it's harder to spot in girls.
DP has ASD, diagnosed at 11. He's terrible at exams (anxious, to the point of suicidal during his A-levels). He got 3 D's. He even managed to fail GCSE English twice.
Managed to get into uni through a special talent spotting program.
He did well there because it was project based, now flying at work as a software engineer.
He's not stupid given the complexity of stuff he does for work. Exams just don't work for him.

You need to investigate what's going on. Consider alternative routes. Even if she goes to uni/trade later better than never. Mental state and figuring out how her brain works is more important.

Perhaps they arent the right subjects for her. I'd leave her to it, hold her hand when it goes wrong, give her 3 months after she fails without bringing up the future and then set out expectations. I think she should get a job or volunteer, just mixing woh adults and doing practical work will work wonders for her confidence and she can spend a year mulling over what she wants while earning some money.

I’d she starts a BTec before her 19th birthday and it’s a 2 year course, she’ll get funding for both years

Is she interested in anything? Maybe a job she could train for at college so she could see an immediate result and stay home eg hairdresser, bookeeper, trade, dental nurse? This might boost her confidence?

Yes OP symptoms of autism and adhd are very different in girls. We're better at masking, Until we get overwhelmed!

My brother is autistic and she doesn’t show any of the symptoms.

Symptoms can look v different in girls

I would investigate this as a possibility although would think you'd be aware of other struggles by now

Either way her MH is not in a great place

I would try to get her off screens as much as possible.

Emotional behaviour school avoidance is what she has. EBSA. Classic ASD or ADD.

l think you need to dig further. Not all EBSA’s are ND but most EBSA’s are ND.

I would leave her screens alone. This is how ASD often self soothe.

It can present very differently in females.