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Original poster

Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

308 replies

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:10

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 22/04/2023 17:14

Had she run the date by them first? Maybe they were already busy.

I need a couple of months notice for an event at the weekend at least.

DNAwrangler · 22/04/2023 17:16

depends why they weren’t there really. Seems odd that your closest friends (multiple l) would blow this off for no reason

Minierme · 22/04/2023 17:16

You don’t really know how it went down. Maybe they didn’t fully understand and thought it was more of a family thing, maybe they didn’t have enough notice of the date.

Original poster
user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:16

She’d set up a group chat at the end of January. One of my friends didn’t even respond once in all that time.

OP posts:
Swanfavourite · 22/04/2023 17:18

Depends how much notice they had, whether they were consulted on dates. Anyway, when we are grown ups birthdays really aren't such a big event that friends should be expected to drop everything and come running.

Oblomov23 · 22/04/2023 17:18

That sounds really poor. Do you plan to talk to them individually about it? I would.

MouthfulofMidwinter · 22/04/2023 17:19

You can't have any real idea how your SIL approached this, how much notice she gave them, whether she actually impressed them that this was a significant occasion etc etc -- I can imagine you're disappointed, but I wouldn't feel too heartbroken about this, as it's perfectly possible it says nothing about your friends or how they feel about you.

There was a similar thread not long ago where it turned out that the DH organising the surprise party had been very casual in the terms in which he'd described the party, and hadn't confirmed the date closer to the time, so the friends hadn't shown -- but it wasn't their fault, particularly, because the communication had been very bitty, and they had no idea it was a big deal, or that the birthday person was going to be left with hardly any guests.

Precipice · 22/04/2023 17:19

On what basis do you want to approach it? "Why didn't you come to this thing that I wasn't involved in organising?" The gathering may have been in your honour, but you're a third party in respect of the organisational side of things.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/04/2023 17:21

Have they mentioned your birthday

Said happy birthday ?

If so you should have said along the lines a shame you couldn't make last weekend.

Hardbackwriter · 22/04/2023 17:21

I think something went wrong in the organizing, but it's going to be hard for you to find out what it was so you may have to live with not knowing. Ending up with a room of people SIL knows and none of your own friends suggests pretty clearly that something didn't quite work in how this was set up.

Fireyflies · 22/04/2023 17:22

Do you friends know your SIL? If not, they might have felt it was more of a family thing maybe. I'd question whether the one who didn't respond at all was definitely seeing the messages. What excuses did the others give? If there were genuine reasons, then it seems silly to get upset.

But I think everyone's social circles shrank a bit during covid. Maybe a good time to try to build them up again via new hobbies or social activities if you're feeling low on friends.

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 22/04/2023 17:22

I usually just leave if I get randomly added to group chats.

She should have messaged individually rather than adding them to a chat.

This wouldn't bother me at all tbh, people are busy, maybe family events aren't their thing, maybe they don't like your SIL, maybe they have arranged something between themselves....

If they are otherwise good friends I wouldn't think twice about this.

MasterBeth · 22/04/2023 17:24

So many threads where people make swift judgements about people's motives when they don't know the whole story. You don't know why they didn't come. Maybe they hate your mum. Why wouldn't you give your friends the benefit of the doubt?

MichelleScarn · 22/04/2023 17:26

What was the actual celebration and would there have been a cost to them?
Have noticed in real life and on here an increase in '3rd party invites' (like that term @Precipice!) Where someone is the organiser for something then presents the attendees with a bill for it to cover hen/birthday girl/bride and it's a fortune to go!

LittleMie · 22/04/2023 17:30

MasterBeth · 22/04/2023 17:24

So many threads where people make swift judgements about people's motives when they don't know the whole story. You don't know why they didn't come. Maybe they hate your mum. Why wouldn't you give your friends the benefit of the doubt?

What a weird thing to say, if my friends randomly hated my mum I wouldn't want to be friends with them, let alone give them the benefit of the doubt😂

Coffeetree · 22/04/2023 17:32

I agree OP, there are a lot of unknowns here. Maybe SIL rubbed them the wrong way somehow, or they don't really know her, or they thought it was a family thing, or maybe she was not as clear as she thought she was with them. So many variables. As said above, if none of your friends could come but everyone from SIL's circle was there, that suggests it had to do with how it was set up

Liverpool52 · 22/04/2023 17:33

What were the excuses and how do you know they were bullshit? What excuses would have been acceptable to you?

Everyone has different pressures in life which means what is important to one person will be seen as irrelevant by another. So maybe it was bullshit to you but to them it was important.

TheKobayashiMaru · 22/04/2023 17:33

What excuses did they give?

Coffeetree · 22/04/2023 17:33

Sorry, one of your friends did show up. But still.

Pixiedust1234 · 22/04/2023 17:33

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:16

She’d set up a group chat at the end of January. One of my friends didn’t even respond once in all that time.

Regarding the friend who said nothing, are you 100% certain it was their number? I got pulled into a group chat by a mother who was coordinating her 5yr old party with school mums. If I hadn't said anything in the chat then they would have assumed a mum was being ignorant. The number was one digit out.

I can see how hurtful it was but did your friends do anything for your birthday, a drink, present, etc?

HappyTrance · 22/04/2023 17:38

Did the friends who didn’t come acknowledge your birthday? What would they normally do for your birthday?

MMMarmite · 22/04/2023 17:38

I don't think anyone's obligated to go to a party. They might have too much on, they might be anxious around strangers, they might want to save the money for something else.

In my view a party is about thinking of your guests and planning something that's enjoyable for them. And then if they would enjoy that, they accept the invite, if not, they politely decline. I find parties that are organised as a surprise have an odd vibe, because it's like the guests are summoned to give the gift of their presence.

Scarydinosaurs · 22/04/2023 17:40

What is your relationship like with the three of them atm? Have you spoken to them in the last week? Did they wish you happy birthday?

PollyAmour · 22/04/2023 17:41

I wouldn't get too worked up about this, there could be any number of reasons why your friends were unable to come. You had a celebratory afternoon surrounded by people who wanted to be there, organised by someone who thinks a lot of you. You're making a positive experience into a negative one.

MysteryBelle · 22/04/2023 17:41

That one friend who showed up? That’s your best friend.