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Original poster

Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

308 replies

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:10

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 19:41

Gagaandgag · 22/04/2023 19:39

Just want to say how lucky you are to have your SIL. Mine would barely acknowledge my birthday 😂

She’s lovely, I have 2 great SIL’s and 2 that are the spawn of satan.

OP posts:
Hellybelly84 · 22/04/2023 19:43

This reply has been deleted

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This is really mean to the OP…

There is no way on Earth I wouldn’t turn up to one of my best friends surprise birthdays, without a very good reason and in this case, I would have let the SIL know the reason (i.e. childcare issues, another important event the same day etc).

If I couldn’t make it, I would be messaging my friend after her surprise to say why I couldn’t be there and to say I hope she enjoyed it.

It seems from the updates its clear they got the messages, it wasn’t about money and they had lifts there. I hope its childcare issues or another valid reason.

Original poster
user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 19:43

This reply has been deleted

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No, but perhaps ask why they couldn’t make it. It sounds like everything was done to accommodate them. I don’t want to think the worst of them at all, nor am I a poor friend.

OP posts:
Blueblell · 22/04/2023 19:44

I was just going to say I can understand how upsetting that must be but at times like this you know who your friends are. It sounds like you have a good friend in your SIL!

MumUndone · 22/04/2023 19:44

So they knew about the event in good time, knew it was paid for, had been offered a lift, and it was taking place close to where they live... I hope they both have a shit hot excuse otherwise it does not look good.

chillidoritto · 22/04/2023 19:46

Sorry but I'd have to confront them!

ImAGoodPerson · 22/04/2023 19:46

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 19:43

No, but perhaps ask why they couldn’t make it. It sounds like everything was done to accommodate them. I don’t want to think the worst of them at all, nor am I a poor friend.

Show quote history

Honestly MN is a nightmare at times. In RL friends are there for each other, turn up to birthday invites and also in RL every adult I know will celebrate their birthdays even with just cards.

If it was me I would message them and say what a lovely party SIL arranged and gutted they couldn't make it. See how they respond to that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2023 19:47

But what are they like as friends? Are things reciprocal or are they users and do they expect things on their terms?

Emmamoo89 · 22/04/2023 19:48

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Speak to them face to face. X

DrWhoNowww · 22/04/2023 19:48

Oh OP YANBU to be upset.

You need to ask them why - I had the same thing happen at my surprise 30th, none of my close best friends came. All of them had ample notice, those who had to travel were offered rooms with family so no accommodation costs. It stung and was a little bit embarrassing if I’m honest - I really hate surprise parties as a result.

It turns out they’d all chosen to go to a different event instead that happened to fall on the same date - it was an annual event which changes date each year (think last game of the season sort of thing) and my mom and SIL had contacted them all well before the event date was announced.

I’ll be honest, less than 5 years later I’m not friends with any of them - they showed where I was in their priorities so I listened.

Weallgottachangesometime · 22/04/2023 19:49

I think approaching them from a stand point of “sorry you couldn’t make my birthday”…..might then lead to them giving their explanation. Maybe it’s just bad luck that all 3 had prior plans/no childcare that weekend.

Are they generally kind people and good friends. If yes then I wouldn’t make a massive deal over this one thing. If it’s part of a wider pattern of behaviour with you then I’d say there is an issue to deal with.

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 22/04/2023 19:50

I hate it when people say birthdays aren't big events for adults. It's ONE day in a year you can show someone you care about them and make them feel special. That feeling of appreciation and joy doesn't end when you bloody hit 18. I fucking love my birthday and my husbands/friends birthdays and will always make the effort to give them that excitable feeling you get when you are a kid! Never too old. Sorry it didn't go to plan. I'd be upset too

BadNomad · 22/04/2023 19:53

Do they actually know any of the people there apart from you? SIL, SIL's mum, SIL's friends, your auntie...this is more SIL's party than yours. I don't think one person receiving clothes from another counts as knowing them. It definitely doesn't make them friends. Maybe they would rather do something with you separately than sit around drinking tea with your SIL's family and friends.

Sillyname63 · 22/04/2023 19:59

I would message them and say sorry you couldn't make my birthday party ,you missed a great afternoon and we all had a great time you would have enjoyed, do they all know the others didn't come? If not message them individually then they might feel as if they missed out big time.
Do you usually do the cards & present thing for each other ? Did you get any from them?

ImAGoodPerson · 22/04/2023 20:05

BadNomad · 22/04/2023 19:53

Do they actually know any of the people there apart from you? SIL, SIL's mum, SIL's friends, your auntie...this is more SIL's party than yours. I don't think one person receiving clothes from another counts as knowing them. It definitely doesn't make them friends. Maybe they would rather do something with you separately than sit around drinking tea with your SIL's family and friends.

Then they are pretty shit friends if that was the reason.

EconomyClassRockstar · 22/04/2023 20:07

This reads a bit like your SIL throwing your friends under the bus to me! If they have all reached out to you to say Happy Birthday and normally are lovely friends, I wouldn't waste another second worrying about it.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:09

Well now you know to make zero effort for their birthdays, OP.

Don’t feel you have to be the ‘bigger person’. Hate that phrase.

BadNomad · 22/04/2023 20:11

ImAGoodPerson · 22/04/2023 20:05

Then they are pretty shit friends if that was the reason.

Show quote history

I disagree. To me good friends are those that are there when you need them. When you're suffering. When you're burying your loved ones. When you're on the edge of a cliff. Good friends don't toss friends away for not coming to a tea party.

Forever42 · 22/04/2023 20:12

People seem to be going out of the way to defend the friends here. OP says they all saw all the messages (you can see on FB messenger who has opened the message). They had the venue changed to be easier for them, lifts offered and half of the food paid for. They sound rude.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:14

Exactly.

Not turning up after the venue was changed to suit them, after they were told they were paid for, and offered lifts, is not the behaviour of friends.

Trashbags the lot of them.

Blort · 22/04/2023 20:14

On one hand, absolutely disgusting. But on the other - aren't you honoured with a wonderful SIL.

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:18

‘I have been reflecting on my birthday tea. We are very close friends of many years, can we discuss why you were not there? Perhaps there is something going on with you that I am not aware of as I can’t imagine any scenario that I would miss your important milestone birthday’

saraclara · 22/04/2023 20:20

If it was me I would message them and say what a lovely party SIL arranged and gutted they couldn't make it. See how they respond to that.

That. Which is very different from 'calling them out' or 'confronting' them.

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:20

Unless you find out they have a serious illness/ getting divorced or something of that magnitude the friendship would be over for me.

its telling they didn’t organise anything for you op, even drinks to celebrate! Shit friends / life is too short. Your sil sounds amazing and totally gold.

Hellybelly84 · 22/04/2023 20:22

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:18

‘I have been reflecting on my birthday tea. We are very close friends of many years, can we discuss why you were not there? Perhaps there is something going on with you that I am not aware of as I can’t imagine any scenario that I would miss your important milestone birthday’

This