Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

[user1488481370]

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

According to SIL they’d all seen each and every message.

Im just gutted, I’ve been psyching myself up to message them individually and ask what the deal is but I’m a people pleaser and find it incredibly difficult to call people out on things.

I'm so sorry, OP. I don't blame you for feeling upset. But sometimes life shows you who really is your friend and who isn't. Big hugs.

Was SIL paying for the whole thing? If not and you are expecting your friends to pay, I think it’s horribly self centred of you to be disappointed they didn’t come. Assuming she’s accepting second hand clothes, doesn’t sound like your friend is rolling in it. Giving up an afternoon and paying for afternoon tea is a lot to ask when you have kids. You can’t move for threads about the cost of living crisis on here. Terribly bad manners though not to reply to your SIL.

I wouldn’t read a message from someone I didn’t know, I think it’s strange anyone would.
U r overthinking it.

I’m honestly so upset about it all. I’m going to have to be brave and confront them but I feel like I’ve been used as a convenience to them.

Can you ask them if they fancy a get together as they missed your party and if it comes up in conversation say you presumed SIL had only invited family and get their side of things?

You don't "call them out". They're not obliged to be there.

Just say, "I'm really sorry you couldn't make it to the party. I missed you!"

Assume that their reasons are are in good faith. Again, they're not obliged to justify their absence.

I was thinking perhaps it was a money issue which I completely understand, we have 4 kids and it’s been a tight year for us. However, I got off the phone to my mum about 20 minutes ago and she told me that her and SIL went halves on the whole thing so that blows the money theory out of the water. They were also offered lifts to the venue.

Facebook messenger is a pretty poor method of communication. In my social circles at least WhatsApp would be loads more reliable, or a direct text. Maybe they don't have the messenger app and rarely look at Facebook now? It seems to be the preserve of older people, I think people use Facebook much less than they once did, I don't use it much anyway. If someone contacted me via Facebook messenger, I don't have the app so I'd only see the message if I check my Facebook account, which I never use, so I'd probably miss it. I don't think of that in the same way as a text message, for example. And it very much depends how the invite was framed. Do you know that the location was changed to suit them after consultation with them, or did SIL just presume they'd come? If a friend's SIL messaged me and said, "me and my mum (and a bunch of other people I don't know) are going out for afternoon tea for X's birthday on X date, would you like to come?", I'd likely not as I'd think it was mainly a family event, especially if it was inconvenient, or if I'd struggle to afford the cost. But, if it was framed like "we want to plan surprise for X's birthday, what do you think we should do, when works for you as she'd really like you to be there?", I'd be much more likely to go if I could actually have input into the organising. Finding a date that works for everyone can be really tricky, even months in advance. So if I was presented with a fait acompli, in terms of date and activity, and just asked if I'd like to go, it's quite likely I wouldn't. If they're really good friends, they should have been consulted in the initial organising stages, to make sure it was something they could do and could afford. Did SIL do that? It does sound like she messed up the organisation a bit, especially if she only used Facebook messenger, and just ignored the fact that one friend hadn't replied. Surely if someone you really wanted to be involved in the organising didn't respond, you'd contact them another way?

But they do know the SIL and all interacted with her except one who has interacted with her previously

Block those bitches for good.

I think birthday parties and surprise parties especially are tricky and people do drop out. I know someone who was trying to arrange a surprise party for his mother and despite asking everyone a whole year in advance, not a single friend or colleague turned up on the night, only a few family members.

I felt bad but I had declined a year before as I knew I would be away, but I know some people were asking on Facebook on the day who was going and no one did in the end. It wasn’t even personal to the person whose party it was. It was just people not thinking, not bothering, not being organised, not thinking their attendance was that important.

What is their friendship like in other areas?
Are they there for when you need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on?

If it is just that they didn't show up for the party, and there are no other issues within your friendship circle, then I would say there might be a valid reason that they couldn't make it - the most likely be that they had already made plans for that day or couldn't arrange child care.

Are they the type of people who struggle with social gatherings?
I know I find it hard due to my anxiety.

Maybe message them and tell them how you feel.
It sometimes helps to clear the air rather than keeping it all inside and drawing your own conclusions.

That old saying "it's an invitation, not a summons" springs to mind. It would have been nice if they were able to come, but they weren't able to. It doesn't matter if you don't think their reasons are good enough. If you're willing to throw away friendships because people didn't come to a party, then you can't be very good friends.

Did SIL and MIL tell everyone invited in advance that they were paying, or did they surprise everyone with the gesture on the day?

OP what were their reasons for not attending if they'd changed location even though they were offered lifts and everything was paid for?

Yes, you have to make sure your notifications are turned on. I've missed several messages in the past because of this!

Do not let them get to you as you never know what is going on in their lives, marriage and family issues etc. Just appreciate the people who did show up and enjoy their friendships and know you are loved. If they organize something in the future do turn up and hold your head high and show them you are a loyal friend or just go the other way and keep your distance and cherish the true friends you have. Sounds like a lovely afternoon and even though hurtful they did not show do not let it take over your thoughts. People are selfish and just think of themselves.

You don't need to confront them - just ask them if they got the invitation and go from there.

They were aware that it was being paid for 😢

I message them/voice note them all regularly on messenger and they’re all ‘friends’ with SIL on Facebook too.

Hmm, that's less understandable them. I still do think a lot of it depends how they were invited, so unless you actually see those messages, you'll never really know.

Just want to say how lucky you are to have your SIL. Mine would barely acknowledge my birthday 😂

Depends how much notice they had, whether they were consulted on dates. Anyway, when we are grown ups birthdays really aren't such a big event that friends should be expected to drop everything and come running

@Swanfavourite what a bitchy post.

This is a big birthday. And the op considers them to be her best friends. It shouldn't be about "dropping everything", they should be asking weeks in advance "what shall we do for OP's big birthday"

Did you do nothing for any of your big birthdays? I am lucky enough that my partner, friends and family care enough to be around for me that one special day every ten years!