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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

308 replies

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:10

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 22/04/2023 17:42

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:10

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

Whilst I understand your disappointment there are so many things to consider about why some of your friends weren't there. So here's someone else's take
If I was included in a group WhatsApp first thing I'd think is who gave you my number? If it was January and were talking about April I might not have bothered looking properly till March. I'll assume this isn't one big group of friends who know each other well. If your SIL had taken it upon herself to organise something I'd expect her to just say 'Were going for a cream tea on X and it cost £. who's in'. A cream tea would not float my boat and presumably its in the day. Weekdays ill be working, weekends it will 'split' my day. If I didn't want to go I might not even reply....and I wouldn't feel obligated to either. I might think, maybe OP me, A, B and C can go into town on nearest Sat night and have a girls night out.
Even if I liked you a lot I wouldn't feel obligated to spend an afternoon with your mum and auntie having a cream tea (even if it was free). Neither would I go for a spa. I might go to a Do in a hired hall (buffet, balloons and DJ) or a nice meal out in the evening.
If it was mother's day I might do it for my mum but that would be my girt to her. If it was for OP I'd assume other people would go. Let's imagine it was someone else's birthday and 'the girls' decided to hire a limo and go to a club. The theme is cowboys and its fancy dress. It's £50 plus drinks and we're being picked up at 8. You might think no thanks.

It sounds like you did have a nice afternoon though and it was really thoughtful of your SIL to arrange it.

Coffeetree · 22/04/2023 17:44

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:16

She’d set up a group chat at the end of January. One of my friends didn’t even respond once in all that time.

How do you know this? Seems a bit mean for the SIL to make a point of telling you this. I think something went awry with the organising and maybe SIL is embarrassed. Honestly I'd leave it and just organise something separately to xatch up with your friends.

GretaGood · 22/04/2023 17:48

I think nowadays people can be so busy you need a few reminders / confirmations.
Did the friends send cards or txt birthday greetings.
I would be upset but perhaps you just have to be thankful you have a great SIL and family - lots don’t have that!

GoodChat · 22/04/2023 17:50

Have they text you since to say sorry they couldn't make it but hope you had a good time?

MargaretThursday · 22/04/2023 17:54

Did they think it was a family thing?
I was invited to something, and went to find I was the only non-family. they were lovely, and i didn't think they minded, but I did rather feel like I was gatecrashing.

Dulra · 22/04/2023 17:55

Have they done things like this before? Reason I ask is that if this had happened with my close friends I wouldn't be this upset because I'd have confidence in my friendship with them that I wouldn't take it so personally. Is there a reason you feel so let down and hurt? Do you feel the friendship is one sided?

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 22/04/2023 17:58

Swanfavourite that’s a bit harsh!

AhNowTed · 22/04/2023 18:04

I understand how you feel OP, and I too would be very upset.

MiniOreo90 · 22/04/2023 18:11

Sounds like such a damp squib, there was barely anyone there. I would have been embarrassed in this situation. Sorry OP

JustDanceAddict · 22/04/2023 18:11

I’d be upset too but I know my bffs would show up for something like this (unless they had a prior engagement - maybe they all did?).

Mainlinethehappy · 22/04/2023 18:14

OP, about 8 years ago I realised that most of the people around me people were grabby, lazy, self-centred shits who only ever put themselves out if there was a reciprocal something in it for them. I'm much happier now! 😀

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2023 18:14

Three made excuses and one didn’t respond. I hope everyone was really nice to you. Your sil sounds really caring.

What were the excuses?

CraftyIrishMamma · 22/04/2023 18:19

I think YABU to be upset with your friends without knowing exactly what was said. Otherwise, it’s just chinese whispers.

Also, I wouldn’t look at a message from any number that’s not in my address book in my phone, so maybe that’s why your friend didn’t respond to the invitation text?

Unless you’ve read all the text messages you can’t be sure how SIL phrased it. She might have made it sound like a family event that they could join in if they wanted to, or even something more vague and unlikely to happen.

Greydog · 22/04/2023 18:22

I had a similar thing happen for a big birthday - but I had organised it, sent the invites, lots of notice given. If they didn't reply I took it as not coming, but...I expected those who said yes to come. And several didn't turn up. One contacted me on the day to say his dad was unwell. I left it a day and then got in touch to see if his father was ok. He didn't reply. I later found there was nothing wrong with his dad, and he couldn't be arsed. So why lie and say they want to come? They didn't have to speak to me, just email/text - "sorry can't make it" is all it takes. It hurt me horribly, and I am so sorry for you. People are so thoughtless

Original poster
user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 18:22

Coffeetree · 22/04/2023 17:44

How do you know this? Seems a bit mean for the SIL to make a point of telling you this. I think something went awry with the organising and maybe SIL is embarrassed. Honestly I'd leave it and just organise something separately to xatch up with your friends.

Show quote history

I speak to them all regularly, 2 of them
live within a mile of me, the other lives about 10 miles away and they all wished me a happy birthday but I didn’t really know what to say so I just thanked them.

SIL did tell me but I think she felt like she had to explain why they weren’t there.
SIL moved the venue closer to suit them (3 miles away from home) and then they dropped out.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 18:24

And by the sounds of things it was a Facebook messenger group chat, not WhatsApp or similar.

I feel slightly better after reading some of these replies although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 22/04/2023 18:27

The one who didn't reply at all is very rude (assuming the number was correct) but I'm reserving judgement on the others as we don't know why they dropped out. It does sound poor but there could be legitimate reasons.

Yanbu to feel hurt by it regardless though.

Original poster
user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 18:34

@TidyDancer the worst part is that the one who didn’t reply to SIL (who also messaged her privately as well as the group chats) has accepted bags and bags of free baby clothes off SIL and responded to messages then!

OP posts:
Gemcat1 · 22/04/2023 18:54

It's great that you had people there who you care about and obviously care about you. Did any of your friends explain why they weren't there? For example you said one of them had childrens' clothes from your SIL, her kids might not have been well or not have someone to leave them with. She may have felt that it was too poor an excuse even if true. If you really are upset then sit with each of them individually and mention that you were surprised not to see them there and see what they say. You can decide what to say to them once you know.

LoobyDop · 22/04/2023 18:57

Isn’t there a thing with Facebook Messenger where it’s entirely possible to just not see the messages? I hardly use it any more, but I remember that happening in the past.

Restinggoddess · 22/04/2023 19:00

You had a significant birthday- so it’s time to ask what happened.
when people don’t show up to a special birthday something is off - just ask them
Tine to find out who your real friends are / remind people there are social niceties like responding to invites
These days more people seem to settle for bad behaviour- not showing up at restaurants when they booked, bringing extra kids to a party, not bothering to even reply
Just ask them - you are old enough to do so
happy big birthday

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 22/04/2023 19:05

Why haven't you asked your friends why they didn't come?

GoodChat · 22/04/2023 19:08

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 18:34

@TidyDancer the worst part is that the one who didn’t reply to SIL (who also messaged her privately as well as the group chats) has accepted bags and bags of free baby clothes off SIL and responded to messages then!

Did she definitely actually see the messages? Sometimes they go to message requests if there are people in the group you're not Facebook friends with.

Hellybelly84 · 22/04/2023 19:14

I would be honest otherwise it wont be normal again with them. Message them seperately and say you are feeling really upset that they didnt turn up. Give them the benefit of the doubt and ask them if something had gone wrong with the organising/messaging or if for some reason it hadn’t got back to your SIL why they couldn’t make it (without blaming your SIL at all as she put in effort organising, but mistakes do sometimes happen with organising events).

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2023 19:14

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 22/04/2023 19:05

Why haven't you asked your friends why they didn't come?

I think that’s the next step. You shouldn’t feel shit. None of them bothering sounds suss. The one, who didn’t respond at all sounds like a total user. Hand on heart, are these friendships equal and reciprocal?