Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

308 replies

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:10

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

OP posts:
Workyticket · 22/04/2023 21:23

Yanbu
2 people I thought were close friends (18 years+) separately dropped out of coming to my wedding with 2 days notice with shite reasons

They told me via text / WhatsApp and I was so upset. I didn't engage, sent them both a thumbs up then deleted and blocked them both the day after the wedding

I've not spoken to either since and it turns out I've not missed either of them

RampantIvy · 22/04/2023 21:24

You sound like the one who's a poor friend, frankly. You clearly want to think the worst of them.

What a nasty comment @saraclara Hmm

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:33

RampantIvy · 22/04/2023 21:24

You sound like the one who's a poor friend, frankly. You clearly want to think the worst of them.

What a nasty comment @saraclara Hmm

Clearly want to think badly of the no shows? Are you for real?
A best friends birthday - a milestone year will be hugely important to them , why wouldn’t you want to be there?!

Jennybeans401 · 22/04/2023 21:33

Your SIL sounds lovely x

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 22/04/2023 22:05

When I had my 40th birthday party a few people who I thought would come, didn’t come - 1 cited household white goods expenses another, probably childcare issues but didn’t reply and I’d gone to her 40th do and we were childhood best mates. My most flakey friend who for various reasons I don’t speak to now did come to the restaurant afterwards.

These friends aren’t friends and I’d be ditching them. Sorry this has happened!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 22/04/2023 22:06

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:33

Clearly want to think badly of the no shows? Are you for real?
A best friends birthday - a milestone year will be hugely important to them , why wouldn’t you want to be there?!

Show quote history

Even popping in for a quick drink would be a nice gesture.

Dintananadinta · 22/04/2023 22:10

I would be really annoyed and upset too. Why is everyone making excuses for the friends? If they had a good reason for not attending they would've told the SIL.

TedMullins · 22/04/2023 22:15

I can’t believe people are defending the friends! That’s absolutely piss poor of them, I would absolutely ask them why they didn’t make the effort to come and have no qualms cutting them off because they’ve proved they don’t really give a shit about you

Peapodburgundybouquet · 22/04/2023 22:33

@saraclara your post was pure spite, based on nothing. Don’t take your shitty day out on the OP.

whynotwhatknot · 22/04/2023 22:42

Theyre out of order do yo know what reasons they gave sil

GoodChat · 23/04/2023 06:29

OP you seem to be completely avoiding answering the obvious question of what their excuses were, which makes me wonder if you know you're reacting badly to understandable reasons why they couldn't attend.

RampantIvy · 23/04/2023 06:32

Maybe she doesn't know @GoodChat

GoodChat · 23/04/2023 07:01

RampantIvy · 23/04/2023 06:32

Maybe she doesn't know @GoodChat

She said they made bull shit excuses in her OP and her SIL has told her every detail from what she's written here

Original poster
user1488481370 · 23/04/2023 09:15

Ok so one friend dropped out on the morning stating that she was unwell, she has form for this.

One didn’t respond to any of the numerous messages that were sent over the last few months yet has continued to voice note me on a daily basis, just general chit chat.

The other (the one who I consider my best friend and practically lives next door) went to bingo with her husband instead.

I don’t want to sit here and list all of the events that I’ve attended of theirs or had a hand in planning as I didn’t do it for it to be reciprocated, I did it because they’re my friends and I care about them a great deal. I wrongly expected that they cared about me too and just wanted them to be there. That’s all I wanted.

OP posts:
justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 09:18

It's fine to be disappointed OP but you're talking about this like it is an obligation for your friends. It's not. They can be good friends and not come to this celebration.

Whoknewwhat · 23/04/2023 09:24

I’m sorry OP, I don’t think there is really any excuse for them not being there and you are right to feel hurt.
Its a privilege to be invited to a birthday celebration and one should make every effort to attend, especially as it is obviously hurtful if people don’t make the effort.

Whoknewwhat · 23/04/2023 09:26

GoodChat · 23/04/2023 06:29

OP you seem to be completely avoiding answering the obvious question of what their excuses were, which makes me wonder if you know you're reacting badly to understandable reasons why they couldn't attend.

Or that she just doesn’t want her post to be even more outing? This is all in public after all! You are not having a private chat with OP on her kitchen, you know!

Mortimercat · 23/04/2023 09:28

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 09:18

It's fine to be disappointed OP but you're talking about this like it is an obligation for your friends. It's not. They can be good friends and not come to this celebration.

OP has not said they were obliged to attend. She is hurt that they chose not to attend. Tbh I think most people would attend a good friends milestone birthday afternoon tea, in real life most people like things like that. I think OP needs to reframe these friendships as it would seem to be more one sided than OP thought.

BeaLola · 23/04/2023 09:32

I'm sorry OP -I get why you are upset , however why not regroup your thoughts (not easy I know) and just think how lovely that a dear friend made the effort & that your SIL and Mum spent their time arranging something special for you , which you all enjoyed, and focus your time on these people moving forward

Whoknewwhat · 23/04/2023 09:33

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 09:18

It's fine to be disappointed OP but you're talking about this like it is an obligation for your friends. It's not. They can be good friends and not come to this celebration.

I actually disagree with this. All relationships between adults involve reciprocity and obligation if the relationship is to survive. Birthday celebrations are to show your love and liking for the person, that they are worth celebrating. It’s obviously painful if you invite a small number of special people and they don’t show up. And the friends will know this is the effect of their no show. We all put ourselves out for friends. Friendships grow that way. Someone who never puts themselves out for a friend, well that is someone who you will cease to have friendly feelings for over time.

I really don’t get this attitude from some on Mumsnet that ‘ well, they are your friend but you can’t expect them to actually do anything for you’. That’s a light acquaintance, not a friend. A friend isn’t just a laugh in the pub. A friend is more than that.

Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 09:34

Whoknewwhat · 23/04/2023 09:33

I actually disagree with this. All relationships between adults involve reciprocity and obligation if the relationship is to survive. Birthday celebrations are to show your love and liking for the person, that they are worth celebrating. It’s obviously painful if you invite a small number of special people and they don’t show up. And the friends will know this is the effect of their no show. We all put ourselves out for friends. Friendships grow that way. Someone who never puts themselves out for a friend, well that is someone who you will cease to have friendly feelings for over time.

I really don’t get this attitude from some on Mumsnet that ‘ well, they are your friend but you can’t expect them to actually do anything for you’. That’s a light acquaintance, not a friend. A friend isn’t just a laugh in the pub. A friend is more than that.

Show quote history

Very well said

Original poster
user1488481370 · 23/04/2023 09:37

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 09:18

It's fine to be disappointed OP but you're talking about this like it is an obligation for your friends. It's not. They can be good friends and not come to this celebration.

I think most people in my position would be quite upset.

My partner confided in me last night that he’d tried to stop it from going ahead because he knew I’d be upset about it but SIL went ahead with it.

Both him and SIL had rang my best friend in the morning to try and convince her to go and she still chose not to.

I never make a fuss for birthdays, it’s the first time anyone has ever bothered to plan anything special like this for me, I’m not used to having all attention on me and was a bit worried about it but thought if my closest friends were there it would be easier and flow a bit more freely.

OP posts:
WhiteBloatus · 23/04/2023 09:40

OP that was shit of them. True friends turn up for big birthdays unless there’s a really good reason. I would tell them you’re disappointed.

GoodChat · 23/04/2023 09:41

@Whoknewwhat which is completely her prerogative but it means it's not really fair for us to judge her friends

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 09:44

GoodChat · 23/04/2023 09:41

@Whoknewwhat which is completely her prerogative but it means it's not really fair for us to judge her friends

I suppose it also depends what they are like in the bigger picture. I'd have gone to OP's party as her friend if I could. Sometimes we just can't do things. As long as someone is generally reliable, me and my friends understand that we all have times we can't make things, even if we want to.