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Original poster

Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

308 replies

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:10

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

OP posts:
ImAGoodPerson · 25/04/2023 18:20

Whoknewwhat · 25/04/2023 18:16

OP has accepted the friend has social anxiety and an occasion like this was too much for her. That being the case, it wasn’t rudeness or lack of friendship, just that the friend didn’t feel capable of coping.

Show quote history

If that's the case then of course it's OK, if it's not then that's a 3rd shit friend.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/04/2023 18:20

MsRosley · 25/04/2023 00:28

Huge thumbs up for this. I came to a similar realisation a decade or so ago, and mentally gave people three strikes in terms of rudeness/lack of consideration/flaking out on arrangements/tightfistedness/other arsehole behaviour. Cleared out a whole raft of people I do not miss in the slightest - my life is much better without them in it. My sole regret is that I didn't do this earlier and wasted years of time and energy on people who didn't deserve it.

Show quote history

Actually I did similar about 10 years ago too. One did something awful which on paper it’s an end friendship type offence but her back pedalling to try to sort it out and then hearing she dropped friends for partners meant I wasn’t prepared to give her a second chance.

I actually don’t miss these people nor the third flakey ex best friend who dropped me again, for a new partner!

Very occasionally I might get a twinge and wonder what they’re up to, but I’d rather have less close/best friends than lots of friends.

My DB the other day told me he was lonely and had no best friends (not strictly true, he does have but they’re all different!). But he’s the sort of person who makes and keeps friends wherever he goes and has a lot of them and isn’t discerning about it! M

I did ditch a few close friends a long time ago after my best friend from that group sadly died suddenly after a long illness and the vast majority but not all, of her friends (clubbing/party crowd) were useless. I saw a lot of them for what they were. The turning point was when I saw the DH of one of them (also a friend) in a queue for work and I didn’t recognise him but he did the fingers at eyes gesture (I see you), how could I help it if he’d aged a lot and no I didn’t recognise him anymore! That told me I’d made the right decision not staying in touch with them.

With OP, not sure how long these best friends have been in her life but it’d be a real kick in the teeth to me and the lying and not responding would get me down. I’d be tempted to cut the lot of them off despite their pathetic excuses. We all have families, work etc.

VirginiaQ · 25/04/2023 19:55

2nd friend who didn’t even respond to messages said she was unsure what she was doing work wise that weekend and that she was dreading taking her not quite walking toddler (which is fair enough, I have 2 toddlers at the moment). Not only that but she would have her out of hours work phones that weekends (she works for a vet practice) and they’re very busy at the moment and she felt like she’d be in and out of the room as well as trying to entertain her little one. As it would happen, she was called out to a calving miles away so wouldn’t have been able to come anyway. She said that she had responded to my SIL in the group chat but admitted that she hadn’t responded privately.

Sorry but this is bulls**t. If she had any intention of coming she had plenty of time to sort this. She wasn't sure what she was doing that weekend workwise/ seriously? I'm sure if she wanted to come she would have arranged for someone else to have the out of hours phone that weekend or to cover for her? If she has a not quite walking toddler and then got called out to a calving I take it she has a partner or someone to look after said child so again another excuse. Do you even know if the calving story is genuine or did she just tell you that. If she wanted to come she would have she just doesn't think enough of you to put herself out. The clue is she used too many excuses........

I had a friend like this. She would always pull out last minute for things saying she was 'on call'. However we do the same job so I know perfectly well if she wanted to do something she could easily swap the on-call. She once did it when she had been given six months notice of an event. I now give her a wide berth.

ChooseTheTree · 25/04/2023 21:32

@VirginiaQ

100% agree.

the thing is op, if you keep giving credence to these feeble excuses, you're minimising your own hurt. You're so focused on being understanding of their circumstances (health/work/children/ Tec etc) that your forgetting that you're the one here who's been wronged. it's all been turned around, so you're actually feeling sorry for them! What about you?! Where do you figure in all of this? what about your own family who worked so hard to put this event together? What about your husband who has to pick up the pieces? Forget their bs excuses and look at the bigger picture .

Lemoncurdslice · 25/04/2023 22:06

@Novatherova im conscious of not derailing the OPs thread any further but just wanted to say thank you so much for replying to me. Your friend is not treating you well and if you think you’re able, I do think it might be worth discussing with her. Very different dynamic in my situation- I’ve given a huge amount of practical and emotional support to my friend recently, which your friend certainly hasn’t. I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely, you deserve better

MsRosley · 25/04/2023 22:12

ChooseTheTree · 25/04/2023 21:32

@VirginiaQ

100% agree.

the thing is op, if you keep giving credence to these feeble excuses, you're minimising your own hurt. You're so focused on being understanding of their circumstances (health/work/children/ Tec etc) that your forgetting that you're the one here who's been wronged. it's all been turned around, so you're actually feeling sorry for them! What about you?! Where do you figure in all of this? what about your own family who worked so hard to put this event together? What about your husband who has to pick up the pieces? Forget their bs excuses and look at the bigger picture .

Very much this. Be your own best friend and insist on better treatment.

HollyGolightly4 · 25/04/2023 22:13

There's no other surprises planned are there? I once had to disappoint a very dear friend on her surprise birthday BBQ, because she had a surprise birthday/engagement party a few weeks later and I simply couldn't travel the 200 miles twice in three weeks! She realised after, but I realise it might have been upsetting at the time.

Novatherova · 25/04/2023 22:22

Lemoncurdslice · 25/04/2023 22:06

@Novatherova im conscious of not derailing the OPs thread any further but just wanted to say thank you so much for replying to me. Your friend is not treating you well and if you think you’re able, I do think it might be worth discussing with her. Very different dynamic in my situation- I’ve given a huge amount of practical and emotional support to my friend recently, which your friend certainly hasn’t. I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely, you deserve better

You're very welcome.

It's a tough one. Your friend may be going through something which means she isn't thinking of anyone else's feelings and just considering her own needs.

You have every right to want to see your other friend alone. You've been providing lots of support to your first friend so you're allowed your own space and to have some boundaries etc.

If she's upset for long amount of time then hopefully she will snap out of it soon.

Good luck with your friend xxxx

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