Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

[user1488481370]

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

Huge thumbs up for this. I came to a similar realisation a decade or so ago, and mentally gave people three strikes in terms of rudeness/lack of consideration/flaking out on arrangements/tightfistedness/other arsehole behaviour. Cleared out a whole raft of people I do not miss in the slightest - my life is much better without them in it. My sole regret is that I didn't do this earlier and wasted years of time and energy on people who didn't deserve it.

I don’t want to sit here and list all of the events that I’ve attended of theirs or had a hand in planning as I didn’t do it for it to be reciprocated, I did it because they’re my friends and I care about them a great deal. I wrongly expected that they cared about me too and just wanted them to be there. That’s all I wanted.

Oh @user1488481370 this is so sad to read - you are definitely NOT unreasonable. You seem to ask for so little.

I'd be distancing myself from these 'friends.' Just getting on with your life & not going out of your way for them. It's sad, so sad, when people treat you with so little care.

Your family sound great!

Message them separate and say they were missed at your birthday meal/tea

I don’t want to sit here and list all of the events that I’ve attended of theirs or had a hand in planning as I didn’t do it for it to be reciprocated, I did it because they’re my friends and I care about them a great deal. I wrongly expected that they cared about me too and just wanted them to be there. That’s all I wanted

This makes me so sad- you are a good friend OP. I am so sorry your friends are being so unkind and treating you so poorly. Definitely step back and focus your friendship on people who appreciate it - I promise you there are many people out there who would make the effort and would appreciate you. Find your people and leave these ones in the dust.

@JudgeRudy
'Even if I liked you a lot I wouldn't feel obligated to spend an afternoon with your mum and auntie having a cream tea (even if it was free). Neither would I go for a spa. I might go to a Do in a hired hall (buffet, balloons and DJ) or a nice meal out in the evening.'
I understand you have your preferences, but this is a special for the birthday girl, not you. It's about showing you care.

@Novatherova sorry to hijack the thread but can I ask you a bit more about this? I’ve been on the other side of this recently and struggling to understand if I really am in the wrong. A very good friend is upset with me for going out for a drink with another mutual friend and not inviting her. She too has had a tough time lately, I’ve been very supportive and this drink was an entirely separate thing as I have been trying to catch up with this other friend for months now. My good friend is very hurt that I didn’t invite her- I feel bad for her but don’t feel right apologising for arranging a one on one catch up without her. The whole thing has really upset me! Would love to hear your perspective

@QueSyrahSyrah
'To give an example: When my hen-do / lunch thing was being organised I know - in hindsight - that some of my footloose and fancy free child-free friends were a bit put off by the super organised regimented tone of the busy no-nonsense single Mum that organised it. They don't know each other more than in passing and the free & easy ones felt a bit affronted by the regimentation while the organised one was frustrated by their delays to replying.'

Yes maybe, but I'm afraid this is just another example of 'friends' making it about them and not you.

OP, having looked at your responses, it's obvious they're not your closest friends and it's all a bit one sided. It's hard to find genuine good friends, and I think as we get older and more discerning the numbers whittle down to just a handful of people who you feel really deserve your close friendship, maybe even just one or two.
How do conversations go, do they ask you about you or are the chats focused on them? Are they in a clicky 'teenager' type group who ask each other if they're going to an event before deciding? Are they there to pick you up when you're down (apparently not, they don't even seem to know in this instance!) as well as celebrating the good times.
And that includes more than just a 'happy birthday' on Facebook for a special event.
I have a good friend who calls herself a bad friend as she's rubbish at remembering birthdays etc. She always catches up with a gift later, but despite having some quite serious health issues, I know she would go out of her way to attend a special event like this organised for me.

I know you're feeling hurt right now, and rightly so. I think once I had processed this, I would thank the universe for giving me a message loud and clear about who it's worth giving my time and energy to, and who not. Don't give them any more of your precious time and energy.

Oh god.

So my thing I don't have a right to be upset that she's gone out with someone else as such. I don't know her friend or have ever met her.

What I am upset with is that whenever I ask her to go out, she makes excuses or just wants to come round for a cup of tea. We are 38, no kids and no real responsibilities. Her visit lasts 1 hour tops.

My boyfriend works ALOT of unsocial hours so I'm alone 6 weekends out of 8. I would just love to have a night out once in a while. The fact she chooses other people to spend time with worries and upsets me. Is she embarrassed by me? Do I wear the wrong clothes? I think I think more of our friendship then she does.

We are school friends she met her friend several years ago. But I know my friend doesn't really like her and was talking of not being friends. Next thing she's out with her. I can't keep up.

Anyway your thing- I can see why your friend is upset

However what is the dynamic of your friendship for all 3 of you? 3 school friends? Or did she meet your third friend through you? If school friends all together then I'd be put out like I'm not going to lie.

That being said you don't have to invite every single person when you go out, esp if there are other reasons why the other person isn't invited.

But my feelings would be hurt if I was your friend. Sorry xxx

Its not nice when friends let you down. I stopped running after people this year op. Friendship should not b this hard. Was a mix of flakiness/not commit to dates. So I just do things myself now its less hassle that way.

Thank you all for your comments.

I’ve confronted 2 of the 3 friends who didn’t attend.

I’ve taken the friend who dropped out due to illness at face value - I’m think it’s definitely been more social anxiety related which I understand myself so I’m not particularly hurt by this.

2nd friend who didn’t even respond to messages said she was unsure what she was doing work wise that weekend and that she was dreading taking her not quite walking toddler (which is fair enough, I have 2 toddlers at the moment). Not only that but she would have her out of hours work phones that weekends (she works for a vet practice) and they’re very busy at the moment and she felt like she’d be in and out of the room as well as trying to entertain her little one. As it would happen, she was called out to a calving miles away so wouldn’t have been able to come anyway. She said that she had responded to my SIL in the group chat but admitted that she hadn’t responded privately.

Best friend said she thought I’d hate the afternoon tea idea and had thought about doing something belatedly in the summer that our partners/husbands can come to as well. She said she’d been out with her husband to bingo that day. I was actually quite blunt with my message to her and I did tell her how hurt I was - this is very out of character for me. Anyway I think she felt like shit about it all and has apologised etc. I felt better about it all until I went on to instagram and saw one of her friends posting photos of her and another group of friends out in the nearest city to us (which funnily enough was where SIL had suggested we went in the first place but had then changed to make it more accessible for said friend in particular) so she’s basically lied to me about going it bloody bingo with her husband and binned me off for her other friend 🤷‍♀️

I felt better about it all until I went on to instagram and saw one of her friends posting photos of her and another group of friends out in the nearest city to us (which funnily enough was where SIL had suggested we went in the first place but had then changed to make it more accessible for said friend in particular) so she’s basically lied to me about going it bloody bingo with her husband and binned me off for her other friend 🤷‍♀️

Thats awful OP

Good update, Op. You handled everything well. The one friend who was ill/socially anxious you rightly feel she was not slighting you in any way, so she is ok.

2nd friend also had good reason, makes sense, so that’s ok.

3rd friend you’ve found out is a liar and not a friend at all.

so only one person has been unkind and so now you know where you stand with her, proceed accordingly and don’t waste any more time on her.

So you have your answers then. Bingo bullshitter - bin off for sure. Cow!

Well done for fronting this out and as PP says - now you know and know what to do with each person

Thank you all. I’m glad I know now but I’m still really gutted about it all. She said it was a rare child free day but this particular date had been planned for months. Just sad that I was so far down her list of priorities and I’m pretty sure her friend has posted the photos just to piss me off further as she’s always been very cagey with me.

The vet friend could have come, however briefly op, or organised something else for you.
Your social anxiety friend could have made an effort to do something at her house, if she wasn’t up to it.
Dont get me started on best friend
None of this is acceptable op!

What are you planning to do, OP? Call her out on it or just ignore her from now on?

I have no idea. I think I’m just going to have to distance myself from her.

I really am heartbroken about it. OH is furious.

This is just awful. What a bitch. I wouldn't be able to help myself commenting on the IG post and tagging her!

The other reasons are BS also. Just seems too much of a coincidence the 3rd person was sick IMO.

Sending hugs, OP. As someone who has had plenty of shabby behaviour from friends, I can really empathise.

My advice is to take this as an opportunity to set some minimum standards for the people you choose to spend time with, and see it as an act of positive self-care. You are clearly a nice, sensitive person, and you deserve nice, sensitive people in your life. Settle for nothing less.

I learned this lesson the hard way as a teenager. Invited my friends and no one showed up. I hate birthdays

OP, you need to distance / remove yourself from ALL of them. They are not your friends, as hurtful as that is to digest. You're falling for pitiful excuses. The 'bingo' friend is easiest to focus on as she's been caught out in a whopping lie, but the others aren't much better. As pp pointed out, the other 2 aren't rushing to organise another birthday event for you and neither are they tripping over themselves to apologise. People can be shits. Focus on YOUR feelings - get mad, get angry whatever helps to push the pain outwards ...but do not lose any more dignity and cave in by swallowing bs excuses.

OP has accepted the friend has social anxiety and an occasion like this was too much for her. That being the case, it wasn’t rudeness or lack of friendship, just that the friend didn’t feel capable of coping.