Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

308 replies

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:10

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

OP posts:
Time4achangeagain · 22/04/2023 20:26

OP, is it worth calling rather than messaging? Text/whatsapp/email can be really blunt and tone doesbt come across and people can end up offended

PeaceLilyCactus · 22/04/2023 20:26

I’m sorry this happened to you OP. If you feel you need to clear the air, explain to them you’re hurt and ask why they didn’t go, please do it face to face. Having difficult/awkward/angry discussions is always made worse when it’s not face to face, and you want to retain the relationship.

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:28

Time4achangeagain · 22/04/2023 20:26

OP, is it worth calling rather than messaging? Text/whatsapp/email can be really blunt and tone doesbt come across and people can end up offended

At this point WHY are we considering the feelings of friends that couldn’t show up on ops important day??

Communicate in any way that is comfortable to you op, you don’t owe them a thing!

ImAGoodPerson · 22/04/2023 20:31

BadNomad · 22/04/2023 20:11

I disagree. To me good friends are those that are there when you need them. When you're suffering. When you're burying your loved ones. When you're on the edge of a cliff. Good friends don't toss friends away for not coming to a tea party.

Show quote history

Good friends would want to be there to celebrate with their friend also. These things also show people they are loved and we'll thought of. It may be for a very good reason which is of course fine.

I am not saying to toss friends away for not going, just I think you do find out who the real friends are during a number of situations and it makes you wary/carefully think about things going forward. I have a friend I love to bits, we have a great time when together but she is always well over an hour late, often cancels last minute and can generally be a let down. I would never plan something with her I would be totally disappointed about missing. I have other friends who would never let me down and we go on trips together, look after each others kids and lots of other stuff. Always there for each other to celebrate big birthdays, share our kids achievements and also for all the bad things.

Novatherova · 22/04/2023 20:32

That absolutely socks. I hope you're OK. I'm so sorry what they did.

My best friend has gone out tonight with a girl she doesn't really like and not asked me. She knows I've had a real low day today. I know she doesn't have to ask me or owe me anything. But I'm beginning to think I smell as she never wants to go out out with me.

I'm lonely

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/04/2023 20:35

I wouldn't be too harsh OP, depending on their reasons and what they're like when they see you next. You're not party to the discussion or the context of the group chat.

To give an example: When my hen-do / lunch thing was being organised I know - in hindsight - that some of my footloose and fancy free child-free friends were a bit put off by the super organised regimented tone of the busy no-nonsense single Mum that organised it. They don't know each other more than in passing and the free & easy ones felt a bit affronted by the regimentation while the organised one was frustrated by their delays to replying.

None of them would have had any issue with me organising something, as I know them all and how to handle each of them.

Like a PP said, the majority of the attendees being people your SIL knows speaks more of an issue with her than with you.

Happy Birthday by the way OP Cake

devildeepbluesea · 22/04/2023 20:35

ImAGoodPerson · 22/04/2023 19:46

Honestly MN is a nightmare at times. In RL friends are there for each other, turn up to birthday invites and also in RL every adult I know will celebrate their birthdays even with just cards.

If it was me I would message them and say what a lovely party SIL arranged and gutted they couldn't make it. See how they respond to that.

Show quote history

This. I can’t believe that people are making excuses for these awful, callous people. I’d probably just never respond to a text or a call from them again.

Mariposista · 22/04/2023 20:38

OP young women can be flaky shits. You are totally justified feeling hurt. Try and focus on your lovely family who made such a special day for you, and not their lousy excuses.

LadyHag · 22/04/2023 20:39

I'd be a pain in the arse, ask SIL to add you to tje group chat, then put a message thanking SIL for organising it, SIL and mum for payi g for it, thanking everyone who turned up, and massive bollocks to those who didn't bother turning up - adding don't bother tapping up SIL for any more freebies.

BadNomad · 22/04/2023 20:41

ImAGoodPerson · 22/04/2023 20:31

Good friends would want to be there to celebrate with their friend also. These things also show people they are loved and we'll thought of. It may be for a very good reason which is of course fine.

I am not saying to toss friends away for not going, just I think you do find out who the real friends are during a number of situations and it makes you wary/carefully think about things going forward. I have a friend I love to bits, we have a great time when together but she is always well over an hour late, often cancels last minute and can generally be a let down. I would never plan something with her I would be totally disappointed about missing. I have other friends who would never let me down and we go on trips together, look after each others kids and lots of other stuff. Always there for each other to celebrate big birthdays, share our kids achievements and also for all the bad things.

Show quote history

If one of your good-good friends didn't come to your party for a stupid reason, would that cancel out all the good she's done? We don't know why these friends cancelled. It doesn't sound like the OP has many close friends, so I would be very reluctant to tell her two of the three are shit and need to be dropped, which is what most people here are telling her to do. That will do her more harm than good. Especially if these friends are normally good friends. She hasn't given any actually details about them or their reasons. Just that she's hurt. Hurt people need to calm down first before reacting in a way that can't be taken back.

SapphireSeptember · 22/04/2023 20:44

Novatherova · 22/04/2023 20:32

That absolutely socks. I hope you're OK. I'm so sorry what they did.

My best friend has gone out tonight with a girl she doesn't really like and not asked me. She knows I've had a real low day today. I know she doesn't have to ask me or owe me anything. But I'm beginning to think I smell as she never wants to go out out with me.

I'm lonely

Flowers I'm sorry, that must be hurtful. Think of something nice you can do for yourself, like a bath or a hot chocolate or reading a good book. And if all else fails, you have us lot. We'll keep you company.

@user1488481370 I don't blame you for being upset. That is a hurtful thing for your friends to do. Talk to them all separately and see what's going on with them. I'm hoping they have good reason for not turning up, and it's not because they couldn't be bothered. ❤️

Skankhunt84 · 22/04/2023 20:44

So none of the 3 responses to SILs invite at all?

As opposed to saying they were coming and then not turning up?

Have there been any friendship issues/fallouts, or an issue with the dynamics of the other people going?

Tbh I dislike going to peoples family things or where friendship groups are mixed. I'd have probably declined this saying I'm busy, but I'd have asked if you were planning a pub gathering or something more casual.

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:47

You need to know why.
Be prepared it’s unlikely all these happened to have a life changing emergency.

I know it’s painful to find out these close friends are not decent or caring, but better to find out now in this situation, than a potential moment of real need - such as a cancer diagnosis.
You have the opportunity to weed out the wastage now and replace them with people that truly have your back and are worth your investment.
It’s never easy but you know now they are not real friends. Better friends are out there.

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:48
  • all three happened
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 22/04/2023 20:51

YANBU to be upset, those that are trying to make excuses for anonymous people they don't even know are out of order. Even if those friends had legit excuses, it's not up to us to fabricate them out of thin air. That's not going to make OP feel better.

Happy birthday Flowers

Yellowcakestand · 22/04/2023 20:54

I had a 40th party with a band and disco. On the day I had 26 people say they couldn't come. ON THE DAY! these were people who ha previously said yes. On top of that, some just didn't turn up. Loads of empty tables. Anyway, I had a lovely time. So much so I don't remember past 9pm. Those who celebrated with me also had a good time.

Original poster
user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 20:59

Novatherova · 22/04/2023 20:32

That absolutely socks. I hope you're OK. I'm so sorry what they did.

My best friend has gone out tonight with a girl she doesn't really like and not asked me. She knows I've had a real low day today. I know she doesn't have to ask me or owe me anything. But I'm beginning to think I smell as she never wants to go out out with me.

I'm lonely

I’m so sorry, it’s an awful feeling.

OP posts:
Noteverythingisasitseems · 22/04/2023 21:05

I'm really sorry. People can be disappointing, and self-absorbed. I'm sure we've all experienced that. It also doesn't mean they don't love you.

I hope you tell them you've been hurt.

ImAGoodPerson · 22/04/2023 21:06

BadNomad · 22/04/2023 20:41

If one of your good-good friends didn't come to your party for a stupid reason, would that cancel out all the good she's done? We don't know why these friends cancelled. It doesn't sound like the OP has many close friends, so I would be very reluctant to tell her two of the three are shit and need to be dropped, which is what most people here are telling her to do. That will do her more harm than good. Especially if these friends are normally good friends. She hasn't given any actually details about them or their reasons. Just that she's hurt. Hurt people need to calm down first before reacting in a way that can't be taken back.

Show quote history

It would depend on the situation which is literally what I've said. It's fine to have different levels of friends, I have a large friendship group but to me know those who I can truly trust to be there is important to me. Doesn't mean I drop those who aren't, just that I don't have expectations and that way I don't get hurt.

Kensukesfifedom · 22/04/2023 21:09

You need to re evaluate your friends.

Your SIl is a good friend (and her friends who turned up potentially good friends), your own friends who didn't bother are not.

Stressyfab · 22/04/2023 21:15

I think rip the plaster off before it eats you up too much, simple message separately to each individual?
I’d probably say ‘Hi, hope you’re doing well? SIL mentioned that she invited you to X event and hadn’t heard back. Is everything okay?’
I’d much rather know and tbh they should be able to answer!

FrostyFifi · 22/04/2023 21:16

You sound like the one who's a poor friend, frankly. You clearly want to think the worst of them.

This is actually really horrible. Poor OP is understandably upset that her so-called best friends didn't show up to a big birthday celebration, at no cost to them and with plenty of notice, but you have to stick the boot and and be spiteful.

Did that brighten your day? Do you feel good about yourself now?

WuTangGran · 22/04/2023 21:16

Your “friends “ have shown their true colours. Move on.

Lavenderflower · 22/04/2023 21:18

I think you need to evaluate your friendships. I would have turned up for my friends party irrespective of who was organising it.

Bobbybobbins · 22/04/2023 21:23

I would message something like 'missed you on (date)! Shame you couldn't make it' then the ball is in their court.