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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell my car to avoid 3 way car sharing?

209 replies

3WayCarShareNoThanks · 22/04/2023 16:14

I own a car, but it used to be my dads car, he sold it to me when he retired on the agreement that he could use it when needed.

It’s worked out fine between us as he only needs it once a week or for appointments, so then I either WFH or he drives me to work and picks me up or we come to another agreement. There’s never been a time when we haven’t managed to find some solution when we’ve both needed the car. We basically live together so it’s been fine (we live on the same road, but he has a garden and I don’t so I often pop round with my DC to use his garden and he pops to mine to use things he doesn’t have like a dishwasher)

That was until December. My brother split with his wife and moved back to our town from a few hours away.

He had to sell his car as he couldn’t afford it on his own. He also had to quit his job as it was a few hours away and he can’t get there without a car.

Now he’s constantly borrowing my car and my dad just says he can. Every job interview or everytime he wants to do anything; meet friends or do a hobby or anything he borrows my car, no consultation with me he just takes it, no thought as to how I’ll get to work or get my DC (I’m a single parent) to their activities or to their dads or to school, I just get told I should “Have more sympathy as I’ve not had to give everything up” or should “Organise to wfh then”.

And my brother never repays the fuel costs either, he literally uses ½ of a tank of fuel and doesn’t even offer to repay me or take it to petrol station and refill it, he just uses it.

I’ve told my dad it needs to stop and he just said it’s his car to so he’ll let my brother use it if he wants to.

I’ve offered to sell it back to them as I can now borrow the money from work to buy myself a slightly newer car anyway but both say they can’t afford it.

I’m tempted to just sell it and buy myself a newer car and not put either of them on the insurance (could even change insurance company to make it easier) but WIBU to do this?

I’m not so bothered about having to WFH, but I’d rather have notice so I can organise to speak to clients by phone or video call rather than having to cancel face to face meetings, and so I can organise for my DC to get to their dads house or hobbies etc by other means - ExH will pick up from me but then I have to collect so it does need to be arranged as we share transport between us, school friends will pick them up on the way passed but I try to then repay the favour, similarly hobbies.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Gemcat1 · 22/04/2023 18:47

Try explaining to your Dad that the agreement was between him and you and did not include your brother. Your Dad must understand that you need the car and that YOU are the priority and that your brother needs to ask you before he takes it. Also do what we do when someone borrows a car in my family, brim it and he has to brim it on return.

If, after this conversation, nothing changes then remove your brother from the insurance and tell him that he is not legally entitled to drive it. Alternatively, or as well, tell your brother that he does not have permission to drive your car and even if your Dad says that he can drive it he is not the legal owner. If he takes the car then report him to the police for theft. If you feel that removing him from the insurance or reporting him for theft is not something that you can do then sell the car and buy a different one. This will stop your Dad thinking that the car is still his and should encourage him to stop lending it to your brother.

Make sure that, if you lend it to your Dad, that he does not keep the key, tell him that there is only one with the car (often happens with second hand cars although additional ones can be bought or cut) and that you need to keep it so it must come straight back to you. Also, although your brother borrows your current car, is he actually insured to drive it? If not, be aware that if he has an accident and damages the car then you will not be able to claim to have to pay to have it repaired or replaced. In the event that he damages another car and/or someone is hurt or killed, he will be financially responsible but be unlikely to pay out to someone even a young child who becomes an orphan and ends up in a wheelchair.

Therealjudgejudy · 22/04/2023 18:47

Your dad and brother are outrageous.

They are both taking advantage of you

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2023 18:50

....sorry, loads of typos and missing words there!

aloris · 22/04/2023 18:53

He could stop you using the garden if you stop lending him the car and actually that would be perfectly fair. So that may figure into how you handle this.

I think the bigger picture here is that you were having what appeared to be a nice, mutually supportive relationship, by having these porous boundaries between your car, his garden, your dishwasher, etc.

But then your brother has appeared and this has revealed that actually it is not so much about mutual support. If you start making a habit of not showing up in-person to work appointments, or inconveniencing work/clients by last-minute rescheduling of meetings to online format, etc, then this is a material risk to your children via the risk to your job. And this is all so that your brother can feel like the top-dog who can use his sister's car whenever he wishes, and that his dad will defend him over his sister's right to access to her own car!

In addition, the money your father and brother expect you to spend on your brother's petrol, is money taken from your little children's mouths, so your brother, a whole grown-up man, can be more comfortable.

So you would have to decide how to prioritize your children having access to the garden, vs their financial security, in terms of your father's willingness to use your relationship to pull strings without consideration for your children's welfare.

MyrrAgain · 22/04/2023 18:54

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 17:34

For the love of God can people not read? The OP does not live with the dad. The dad says he can’t afford to buy the car. Why are you discussing stuff that makes no sense? How do people survive with such little comprehension?

Show quote history

Calm down dear. It's just a message board 🙄

babyproblems · 22/04/2023 18:56

If you bought the car, it’s your car, not your dads. Put a steering lock on it and take back all keys. What will he do. Sod them- they’re taking the absolute piss!!
or sell it and buy your ‘own’ car and do not share it with anyone. Your brothers problems aren’t your responsibility and if your dad needs a car maybe he shouldn’t have sold the one he had!!! I could not handle this I would move away and take the car ha. X

Iwillhavethefullenglishplease · 22/04/2023 18:56

sittingonacornflake · 22/04/2023 16:26

Missing point of thread but your dad brings his dirty dishes round to your house to clean?

I had to read that part twice too!

PrtScn · 22/04/2023 19:02

@3WayCarShareNoThanks short term definitely get a steering wheel lock and either put it on your car all the time, or only when you need to use the car to stop your brother leaving you in the lurch.
Then basically tell them they need to top the fuel up when they use it as you’re not made of money and you’re struggling to pay the bills/pay the food shop (even if you aren’t). Then depending on now they react to that sell the car and buy a new one. Maybe give them one last chance to buy the car before you do. If they realise you mean business they may well just find the money for it.

Nevermind31 · 22/04/2023 19:03

Hello dad, this arrangement doesn’t work for me anymore, I’m in trouble at work and DC is missing out on stuff. I cannot afford to pay for DB’s petrol, and I need to have reliable transport. I will therefore sell the car and buy myself one - do you want to buy it back for X amount - you and DB can share?
and then don’t give them a key, put a steering lock on, and don’t lend it out - sorry, the previous arrangement didn’t work for me

raincamepouringdown · 22/04/2023 19:06

Take your brother off the insurance or change it entirely.
Use a steering wheel lock.

If your dad kicks off, tell him you're selling the car then because this was not the agreement. It is YOUR car. You paid for it. He has gotten more than his money's worth out of the arrangement, but your brother is now taking the piss and literally spending your money by taking your car without permission and burning through your expensive fuel and putting miles on the car. Your dad does NOT have the right to lend your car to other people, contrary to what he thinks.

Then sell the car.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/04/2023 19:07

Telling Dad and Bro that Bro is NOT to use the car won't do a bit of good. When Bro wants it Dad will just say that he needs it, drive off with it and then give the keys to Bro. So putting on a steering wheel lock, taking back the key, or even changing out the ignition key (pricy!) isn't going to solve the problem. And for God's sake DON'T take Bro off the insurance. It's not going to stop him from driving.

Your only real solution is to offer dad a 'buy back' and when he refuses, sell to a 3rd party and buy a 'wholly yours' car.

demotedreally · 22/04/2023 19:08

Why did your brothers marriage end?
...

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2023 19:09

Why did your brothers marriage end?

You weren't the only one who was wondering that.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 22/04/2023 19:09

sell the car, give first dibs to your dad. Then buy a new one and don’t let them use it. Meantime take your brother off the insurance

MeridianB · 22/04/2023 19:11

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2023 19:09

Why did your brothers marriage end?

You weren't the only one who was wondering that.

Quite. I’m sure his wife’s parents were relieved….

OhmygodDont · 22/04/2023 19:12

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2023 19:09

Why did your brothers marriage end?

You weren't the only one who was wondering that.

I’m placing bets

  1. entitled arse
  2. lazy arse
  3. reasons 1 and 2 combined

wild card 4) cheating arse

chocolatehoovering · 22/04/2023 19:16

OhmygodDont · 22/04/2023 19:12

I’m placing bets

  1. entitled arse
  2. lazy arse
  3. reasons 1 and 2 combined

wild card 4) cheating arse

Show quote history

I was about to answer the "why did the marriage end?" with
"He's a massive knob", but your list is better and more eloquently put!

diflasu · 22/04/2023 19:17

Send a text-email: The car situation is no longer working for me as it is adversely affecting my work and ids and my wallet you or DH can buy it from me at x price by y date.

Selling the car and buying a new one no-one can view as anything but yours is probably the easiest way of of this mess.

I've only ever seen simlarish issues with land.

One case family member being allowed to use land for growing and keeping hens fencing it off with no permission sought and adding it to their garden and being bemused landowner got upset as they'd used the land for years with no issue.

Other case a friend of family giving up allotment and taking up offer of growing on family members garden only to find the garden owner gave away everything grown and when talked to insisted as it was their land it was their right to do so.

You've tried explaining the issues and been dismissed - so get rid of the entire problem would be my advice.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/04/2023 19:18

Definitely sell the car for as much as you can get, and buy a new one. Offer to sell to your DF or DB for what it is worth now, and if they don't or can't buy it then sell it with a clear conscience.

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 19:19

OP BE CAREFUL.

This a foreshadowing of your future relationship between your dad and you.

Your brother is obviously whispering in the ear. He will continue to do that . You will find yourself fighting with your dad, slowly leading to a compromised relationsip bewteen you and your father.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 22/04/2023 19:19

sittingonacornflake · 22/04/2023 16:26

Missing point of thread but your dad brings his dirty dishes round to your house to clean?

That's what I got stuck on!
Maybe he's got a wicker basket shopping trolley that he trundles up the road with with the crockery rattling away in..?

Boughtitdownthemarket · 22/04/2023 19:25

Sorry OP but they both sound like deadbeats. If they want to drive a car, they should buy their own. Also, why is your dad giving you his dishes to wash? I think some boundaries are needed.

Iawn · 22/04/2023 19:27

This happened to us with my partners brother, i made him give the car back to his parents, we got a new one. Its shit isnt it they borrow dont pay petrol no wear or tear. I sympathise

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2023 19:28

To be honest, I'm not convinced that selling the car and buying the replacement would actually resolve the boundary and entitlement issues - especially with the brother. He already sees it that he has a 'need' to have first dibs on your car whenever it suits him, so I think he would just see it that your replacement car was effectively his replacement car (except that you keep on paying for it).

People like him would see it as doing you a massive favour to 'offer' to pay to add themselves to your insurance, so that they can appropriate your car.

chocolatehoovering · 22/04/2023 19:31

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2023 19:28

To be honest, I'm not convinced that selling the car and buying the replacement would actually resolve the boundary and entitlement issues - especially with the brother. He already sees it that he has a 'need' to have first dibs on your car whenever it suits him, so I think he would just see it that your replacement car was effectively his replacement car (except that you keep on paying for it).

People like him would see it as doing you a massive favour to 'offer' to pay to add themselves to your insurance, so that they can appropriate your car.

The brother and Dad won't have the keys to the new car so they can't use it. And by selling the original car and buying the new one, the OP can very clearly send the message that this is her car for her own exclusive use and that any arrangements regarding the old car (the dad having free use of it whenever he wants) are no longer applicable.