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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell my car to avoid 3 way car sharing?

209 replies

3WayCarShareNoThanks · 22/04/2023 16:14

I own a car, but it used to be my dads car, he sold it to me when he retired on the agreement that he could use it when needed.

It’s worked out fine between us as he only needs it once a week or for appointments, so then I either WFH or he drives me to work and picks me up or we come to another agreement. There’s never been a time when we haven’t managed to find some solution when we’ve both needed the car. We basically live together so it’s been fine (we live on the same road, but he has a garden and I don’t so I often pop round with my DC to use his garden and he pops to mine to use things he doesn’t have like a dishwasher)

That was until December. My brother split with his wife and moved back to our town from a few hours away.

He had to sell his car as he couldn’t afford it on his own. He also had to quit his job as it was a few hours away and he can’t get there without a car.

Now he’s constantly borrowing my car and my dad just says he can. Every job interview or everytime he wants to do anything; meet friends or do a hobby or anything he borrows my car, no consultation with me he just takes it, no thought as to how I’ll get to work or get my DC (I’m a single parent) to their activities or to their dads or to school, I just get told I should “Have more sympathy as I’ve not had to give everything up” or should “Organise to wfh then”.

And my brother never repays the fuel costs either, he literally uses ½ of a tank of fuel and doesn’t even offer to repay me or take it to petrol station and refill it, he just uses it.

I’ve told my dad it needs to stop and he just said it’s his car to so he’ll let my brother use it if he wants to.

I’ve offered to sell it back to them as I can now borrow the money from work to buy myself a slightly newer car anyway but both say they can’t afford it.

I’m tempted to just sell it and buy myself a newer car and not put either of them on the insurance (could even change insurance company to make it easier) but WIBU to do this?

I’m not so bothered about having to WFH, but I’d rather have notice so I can organise to speak to clients by phone or video call rather than having to cancel face to face meetings, and so I can organise for my DC to get to their dads house or hobbies etc by other means - ExH will pick up from me but then I have to collect so it does need to be arranged as we share transport between us, school friends will pick them up on the way passed but I try to then repay the favour, similarly hobbies.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 22/04/2023 17:19

Sell it and make sure you don't give either of them a key or put them on the insurance.
If you can't afford that then put steering wheel lock on and don't give dad the key. Then they have to ask you to use the car.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/04/2023 17:19

The agreement was your dad using the car, not your dad lending it to whoever he wants

he has a choice, but it back from you, or you are selling, buying a newer car which only you will drive

Exaspa · 22/04/2023 17:19

Both your dad and your brother sound like they have issues with boundaries and ownership, to put it politely....

Sell the car back to your dad, webuyanycar will give you a valuation online there and then. If he won't buy it, either sell it to someone else or let the road tax expire and declare SORN so they can't legally drive it.

Buy yourself a new car, for god's sake don't put them on the insurance, get a steering lock (or two) and maybe even a clamp, hide the V5 for the new car somewhere safe, and if it's an option, can you park it in a garage or something?

And if your brother genuinely was on a big fat IT salary for 25 years, what did he spend the money ON??? And why can't he join a car club or get an electric bike for all these interviews he's allegedly getting? They're both extracting the urine, big time. Things like this are why I've spent most of my adult life hundreds, sometimes thousands, of miles away from my family.....

Billybagpuss · 22/04/2023 17:22

I’ve told my dad it needs to stop and he just said it’s his car to so he’ll let my brother use it if he wants to

but it’s not his car.

halfords and steering wheel lock, today.

JudgeRudy · 22/04/2023 17:22

Your lives all sound a bit to entwined. It's an odd arrangement. I'll assume your dad sold the car to you reasonably cheaply. If he didn't they'd be no benefit to you. I'd guess he was a little reluctant as he would be without transport for occasional appointments but you've managed to work that between you by agreeing to help him out.
Why does your dad think it's his car? Who is the legal owner? I'd ensure too that insurance is correct. If it's your car has your dad got his own insurance or is he a named person on your insurance.
I'd suggest you offer to sell the car back to your father (for same you paid) or get a private seller. Those are his choices. If he wants to go 'shares' with your brother that's between them.
The only complication I can see here is if it causes friction, the living arrangements might not work. Is it your dad's home or yours? If he's allowing you and your children to stay there cheaply it might be worth sucking it up then buying your own car. Presumably you've split with your OH because you couldn't work together. Don't end up allowing another man/men to control you however much you love each other. Getting your own car is a good first step to being more independent and in control of your life. Next step a home.

Mossstitch · 22/04/2023 17:23

YellowHatt · 22/04/2023 17:04

I wondered this too. How do you borrow a dishwasher?

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You'd be surprised, my son used to bring his pots round in a washing basket when his broke rather than wash by hand😂
They are taking advantage, sell the car, have a short break without one perhaps telling them you can't afford to run it whilst subsidising your brother's petrol consumption to make your point, then get a new one for your sole use👌

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/04/2023 17:23

DelurkingLawyer · 22/04/2023 16:24

Send the following text to your dad and your brother jointly:

”It is my car. I bought it off Dad on the understanding he could use it when he wanted. I never agreed to DB using it. DB is taking the piss by borrowing it constantly and never filling it up with petrol. As a result I am now removing you both from the insurance/putting on a steering wheel lock/selling it, which I am entitled to do as my name is on the V5.”

This!

Bad enough leaving you without the use of YOUR OWN CAR, but not to fill it up/ offer petrol money is appalling!

And what if your brother gemstones of these jobs the needs your car to interview for? Will he need your car every day?

Floralnomad · 22/04/2023 17:24

@3WayCarShareNoThanks surely it would have still been better to stay where he was , with a job and get a house share or something

ColdHandsHotHead · 22/04/2023 17:26

Well, I wouldn't be putting more petrol in it for a start. Once the petrol runs out, what are they going to do? Your brother sounds like a cocklodger who's been kicked out. Now he thinks he'll sponge off you.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/04/2023 17:28

3WayCarShareNoThanks · 22/04/2023 16:43

@OhmygodDont Theres two keys and dad has one

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Get it back. Tell him you've lost yours and you need the other - now, this minute, you can't wait until you get another key.

LeFeu · 22/04/2023 17:29

Christ. So they want a car but for you to pay tax and insurance? Not on. Definitely sell, surely between the two of them they could afford it???

ZekeZeke · 22/04/2023 17:30

Whose name is on the title of the car ie the legal owner?
If its you, sell it, buy another car and never let anyone else be Insured on it.

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 17:32

Can people not read? Why suggest the OP sell the car back to the dad when the OP has already addressed this ?

itsmylife7 · 22/04/2023 17:34

FrostyFifi · 22/04/2023 17:15

Like father like son... pair of pisstakers.

couldn't have said it better .

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 17:34

JudgeRudy · 22/04/2023 17:22

Your lives all sound a bit to entwined. It's an odd arrangement. I'll assume your dad sold the car to you reasonably cheaply. If he didn't they'd be no benefit to you. I'd guess he was a little reluctant as he would be without transport for occasional appointments but you've managed to work that between you by agreeing to help him out.
Why does your dad think it's his car? Who is the legal owner? I'd ensure too that insurance is correct. If it's your car has your dad got his own insurance or is he a named person on your insurance.
I'd suggest you offer to sell the car back to your father (for same you paid) or get a private seller. Those are his choices. If he wants to go 'shares' with your brother that's between them.
The only complication I can see here is if it causes friction, the living arrangements might not work. Is it your dad's home or yours? If he's allowing you and your children to stay there cheaply it might be worth sucking it up then buying your own car. Presumably you've split with your OH because you couldn't work together. Don't end up allowing another man/men to control you however much you love each other. Getting your own car is a good first step to being more independent and in control of your life. Next step a home.

For the love of God can people not read? The OP does not live with the dad. The dad says he can’t afford to buy the car. Why are you discussing stuff that makes no sense? How do people survive with such little comprehension?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/04/2023 17:34

Tell them you’re offering them first refusal; then trade it in if they can’t/won’t pay for it. Both of them are shafting you

ODPintheNHS · 22/04/2023 17:34

sell it and get another one!

gettingolderandgrumpier · 22/04/2023 17:34

Your dad sees it as his car to do as he pleases but you bought it with the agreement he can use it not let others use it that’s not the agreement . Tbh even the original agreement would have annoyed me because no you can’t take when you want . Even my own dh asks to take my car with checking with me and vice versa .
tell dad this was not the original agreement and as much as you sympathise with db he’s having a thought time you need notice and he should be asking YOU not your Dad . So yes I’d say I’m going to get myself a car and sell this one dad or db welcome to buy it off you .

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/04/2023 17:35

*gets one of these, not "gemstones"

For crying out loud, autocarrot! Can you not behave just once?

Hawkins003 · 22/04/2023 17:36

3WayCarShareNoThanks · 22/04/2023 16:23

@Lennox78 Because the agreement when he sold it to me was that he could use it whenever he wanted and he extends that to lending it out whenever he wants. As I said it worked fine until my brother came home, but now isn't working.

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What about using just enough fuel to cover you day by day eg you can refuel enough to get you from a to b, and top up on route etc then any other people have to put fuel in?

wispatwirl · 22/04/2023 17:37

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/04/2023 17:35

*gets one of these, not "gemstones"

For crying out loud, autocarrot! Can you not behave just once?

Apparently not. 😂

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/04/2023 17:37

OP- ask a mechanic show you how to take the rotor arm off (I think that's what it's called(.

A colleague of mine used to take the rotor arm out of his engine whenever he had to park in a rough area. Apparently it's easy to remove and to replace and stops the car from moving.

(No - I don't know how he didn't come back to a vandalised car if someone had failed to steal it. Perhaps it was too horrible to steal. It was brown, so that might be it.)

MargotBamborough · 22/04/2023 17:38

Take all the keys and don't let either of them drive it without your permission.

Justalittlebitduckling · 22/04/2023 17:39

The fact that they don’t respect your work commitments and the way your Dad puts your brother’s needs first suggests there are problematic dynamics in your family system way beyond just this car. Do you all live together?

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 17:39

OP you are going to have to accept that they will be pissed off with you because totally unreasonable people are always upset when they don’t get their way. Tell them you are selling the car. Tell your dad that you bought it off him. Any outstanding obligation to him has gone into the fuel costs DB has run up. Then feel no guilt and do it.

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