To think we try and encourage babies to be independent too soon?

[graciousgrace]

I just don't understand the obsession with wanting babies to be so independent so early on? I go to quite a few baby groups, and am constantly hearing comments like...

"I don't spoon feed my baby, I've encouraged self feeding from day one."

"My baby sleeps through the night because I didn't respond to their cries when they woke up."

"I don't rock my baby to sleep because they need to learn to put themselves to sleep and self soothe."

"I don't co-sleep because my baby needs to be in their own room in their own cot."

And the most shocking one of all... a mum at a baby group I went to said that her 7 month old baby "will only do a poo on the toilet"! Literally couldn't make it up!

As a mum who happily spoon feeds, co-sleeps and rocks my baby to sleep, it is so annoying hearing these comments because it's like these mums think they're superior. What's wrong with me wanting to treat my baby like a, you know, baby? I mean, great for you if those things work for you, but us mums who do things differently shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or like we're doing things wrong. Babies are only babies for such a short amount of time, so why can't we embrace the time when they actually need us to do things for them? I doubt I'll have a 15 year who still wants to be spoon fed, rocked to sleep and sleep in my bed 😂 does anyone agree or am I just being too sensitive?

No one can make you feel inadequate

If you're confident in your choices who cares what anyone else thinks.

Personally I didnt co sleep because its not safe and I sleep trained because I wanted to sleep

Nothing to do with independence

As my nanna used to say, no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

There's nothing in those statements that say you're doing it wrong, they just have different priorities.

Co sleeping can be done safely.

IME babies love to feed themselves. Nothing to do with independence. And I'm fairly sure the people saying all those things aren't the same people because they are all from different theories.

I think if what you are doing is safe and it works for you then I wouldn't give a hoot what somebody else is saying.
Most people that I know that pass judgment on other parenting also do a really bad job of certain things and really shouldn't be dishing out judgment. E.g. some people that I know who will make passive aggressive comments about other people's parenting, have children that lash out, shout, holler at them, because that is EXACTLY the way they communicate with their children. From 0 to 10 in everything that happens, very archaic approaches to speaking to children, and they wonder why one child is angry and the other is constantly trying to appease.

I didn't co-sleep because it's not deemed as a safe sleeping option. I did spoon feed but tried to encourage self-feeding from a certain age. There are different weaning methods (baby led or spoon feeding etc) and neither are wrong.

I had the comments regarding rocking my child to sleep but honestly couldn't have cared less.

You could respond with what I used to say which is "if I want your advice, I will ask" (if they continued to offer it then I'd usually tell them where to go) but if they aren't saying it directly to you then don't worry.

@graciousgrace

I disagree

All research shows the safest place for a baby to sleep is its own bare cot.

Yes, wouldn't put the first one with the others

The spoon feeding comment is different to the others. DD got on far better handling stuff herself and having a gnaw on some cucumber or banana or whatever. No one was trying to force independence on her.

Someone who admits to ignoring their baby crying at night, never mind bragging about it, isn’t someone I’d be friends with so I wouldn’t care about their opinion on anything.

Be confident in your choices if they’re working for your family. And you’re right that they’re only tiny for a short amount of time.

Not responding to your baby's needs is awful.

Encouraging independence at the rate which they can manage is not. Elimination communication (potty training from tiny) relies on a close attentive bond from the parent who basically responds to the baby's cues and gets it in the right place PDQ.

Enabling independence isn't the same as neglect. It's lovely to cosset and nurture your child, and it's also lovely to see them reach independence.

Is spoon feeding frowned upon now?

I do baby led weaning rather than spoon feeding but it's nothing to do with making them become independent sooner!

I just believe it's better for their overall development long term.

Just don’t let it get to you. It works for them, and it sounds like you are being judgemental on them. All babies are different

I highly doubt anyone said they didn't respond to their babies cries.

People don't actually talk like that

Definitely not being judgemental, I said great if it works for them. I feel like they're being judgemental to me!

I did a bit of spoon feeding and finger foods. Co slept a bit and also did some gentle sleep training.
Also did a bit of Elimination communication as I used cloth nappies so was easier to get baby to poop on the loo rather than me cleaning a nappy.

Just do what you want to with your child and let other people do what they want to. I'm sure there's loads of stuff I do that other mums would turn their nose up at, just as I'm sure they do things I wouldn't.

I don't feel inadequate to other parents, never have. We all match up in our own ways just crack on and be confident in the way you are choosing ro raise your own. If people judge you, does it really have any impact on you?

Erm, well they did actually. The exact phrasing was along the lines of "we were following a sleep training plan which said we shouldn't respond to our baby's cries"

I feel like they're being judgemental to me!

You just have to not care. Motherhood is all judgement. Just ignore it.

Why?

I don't know OP...
As a foreigner I'm surprised at potty training only at 3 years of age, even 4 in cases.

At home this was done before 2,years of age, in most cases before 1.5.

Similar to older children in prams etc.

Cultures are different. People are different.

Nothing wrong with judging parents who brag about leaving their baby to cry.

OP, I don’t see how any of these comments were judging you, perhaps you are feeling a bit sensitive or lacking in confidence, that can be normal but trust your own methods.

Definitely not being judgemental, I said great if it works for them. I feel like they're being judgemental to me!

They're probably just expressing their own parenting experience. Unless they are saying "I wouldn't do what you're doing, I would do this, because...." in which case just tell them to mind their own.

We all judge others whether we like it or not, it is human nature and part of how our brain quickly makes decisions. It's how we express (or don't express) our judgment that is important.

Eh independence no its called learning and growing up

Oh and yes I co slept with all 4 of mine no problems but that's just a choice I made

I really don't care what other think! I just do what's best for me and my son.
Everyone has a different story, routine, needs.
I become a mother late in life, after so many losses and struggles. My son had a very difficult start in life. This has resulted in us being very attached to each other and, at 4, he still sleeps with me most nights (or most of the night!). I get comments about him being too old, he should sleep alone etc but they just don't make any sense to me!
He's a super confident and bright little boy and an only child. He doesn't want to sleep alone while mummy and daddy are in another bed, he likes to cuddle and the security of feeling me/us close. And we can take it, it's not like he's ruining our nights or anything.
On the other hand, he's now really interested in being very independent with cutting food, pouring water, getting dressed, going to the toilet etc.