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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we try and encourage babies to be independent too soon?

313 replies

graciousgrace · 21/04/2023 14:52

I just don't understand the obsession with wanting babies to be so independent so early on? I go to quite a few baby groups, and am constantly hearing comments like...

"I don't spoon feed my baby, I've encouraged self feeding from day one."

"My baby sleeps through the night because I didn't respond to their cries when they woke up."

"I don't rock my baby to sleep because they need to learn to put themselves to sleep and self soothe."

"I don't co-sleep because my baby needs to be in their own room in their own cot."

And the most shocking one of all... a mum at a baby group I went to said that her 7 month old baby "will only do a poo on the toilet"! Literally couldn't make it up!

As a mum who happily spoon feeds, co-sleeps and rocks my baby to sleep, it is so annoying hearing these comments because it's like these mums think they're superior. What's wrong with me wanting to treat my baby like a, you know, baby? I mean, great for you if those things work for you, but us mums who do things differently shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or like we're doing things wrong. Babies are only babies for such a short amount of time, so why can't we embrace the time when they actually need us to do things for them? I doubt I'll have a 15 year who still wants to be spoon fed, rocked to sleep and sleep in my bed 😂 does anyone agree or am I just being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Botw1 · 21/04/2023 19:09

@LucyWeb1

Because you're wrong?

Yeah it seems to be the prevailing feeling

Hardbackwriter · 21/04/2023 19:11

CrotchetyCrocheting · 21/04/2023 18:02

I think the thing with parenting is that we all think our way is the best or we wouldn't do it that way. I was a co sleeping, contact napping, keep baby close, blw type of mum when mine were small. I thought that that was best for my children or I wouldn't have done it that way. It's pointless getting insulted that other people think that their way is the best when you think that your way is the best too.

I think even that is a parenting stance in and of itself. I think most of what I did in these kinds of regards was indifferent. I did blw because I found it easier and both of mine preferred feeding themselves - I knew other people who had babies who strongly preferred being spoon fed and if mine had been like that I'd have done more spoon feeding. We went through all sorts of stages with sleeping, ranging from co-sleeping to sleep training, and each one felt like a pragmatic compromise, I didn't feel it was objectively 'best'. I think it would be better if we could just all accept that this is pretty low stakes stuff - if your children are loved and cared for them the rest is tinkering around the edges.

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 19:38

Because your trolling for a reaction 😂 about
something you have no experience in. I can see right through your intentions. Would you walk into a baby group and say these things? No I think not….. you are doing this because you are bored and anonymous 😂 keyboard warrior

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 19:38

@Botw1

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 19:40

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 14:56

No one can make you feel inadequate

If you're confident in your choices who cares what anyone else thinks.

Personally I didnt co sleep because its not safe and I sleep trained because I wanted to sleep

Nothing to do with independence

@Botw1 ???? Let me remind you of your comments

hippygirllucky · 21/04/2023 19:42

Meh, the sooner they're independent, the quicker you get more of your life back. You sacrifice a lot. Helping them to help themselves is not selfish.

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 19:51

@LucyWeb1

Ummm.

You've misread my comment that you went looking for.

And no. You don't need to remind me of my comments, I wrote them.

And, yes. I would and have said similar in discussion irl. I'm not sure why i wouldn't

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 19:52

@Botw1 basically you have said in another thread that you don’t have kids. Yet in this one you said you didn’t co sleep because you don’t believe in it?
who ‘didn’t’ you co sleep with?

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 19:54

@Botw1 the fact is you wouldn’t go to a baby group because you don’t have children. You’ve clearly come on here for a reaction and you are getting one. Your comments about co sleeping have no relevance to me because you haven’t experienced it and neither have you experienced sleep training because you don’t have kids.

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 19:56

@LucyWeb1

No.

I havent

I've said that I don't have a baby or young children

Have a wee think about how that could be true and it also be true that I didn't co sleep.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2023 19:59

RonObvious · 21/04/2023 15:49

Not mine - I was all about the baby led weaning, and she was all about having puree stuffed into her face at speed. Same way I was anti-dummies, until she was 3 weeks old and no-one had slept (and she never took the wretched thing in the end). Plus I was anti-bed sharing, until my son was born and refused to sleep away from me. He's now 9, and still crawls in on occasion. I'm always surprised when people talk about parenting decisions with regards to babies - I'm pretty sure the babies lay down the law in most cases! Just because someone's parenting "choices" align with their babies demands or needs doesn't mean they are in any kind of control!

Show quote history

I'm not sure about babies laying down the law. When my baby was tiny, he didn't want to sleep in his basket or cot but I absolutely wasn't co-sleeping so he went in his basket or cot and had to learn to get used to it which he did, eventually.

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 20:05

@Botw1 remind me why you are on this thread? Not to help OP but to troll !

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2023 20:05

OP, your comments such as 'letting a baby be a baby' sound far more judgemental than your examples which sound just like parents saying what they do which I see no issue with.

I see nothing wrong with teaching independence to babies.

I don't rock or co-sleep, I taught my son to self settle from birth.

He sleeps through the night because of sleep training. Thank god for sleep training.

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 20:10

@LucyWeb1

Have you figured it out yet?

The op isn't looking for advice.

They're looking to bitch about other mums they think are judging them because they're parenting differently.

If you're so insecure about your choices that you have a hissy fit if someone disagrees with you then maybe you should reconsider them

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 20:10

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2023 19:59

I'm not sure about babies laying down the law. When my baby was tiny, he didn't want to sleep in his basket or cot but I absolutely wasn't co-sleeping so he went in his basket or cot and had to learn to get used to it which he did, eventually.

Show quote history

Snap!

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 20:13

@Botw1 absolutely not. You can choose to do whatever you like as can I and anyone else and that’s nobody else’s business.
I disagreed with the fact that you categorically stated that co sleeping is not safe when it can be done safely which is my point. The NHS even says so. However you know best obviously……

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 20:18

@LucyWeb1

No it doesn't

But then, I didnt say I didnt have kids so it seems you quite often just see what you want to see...

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2023 20:19

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 20:13

@Botw1 absolutely not. You can choose to do whatever you like as can I and anyone else and that’s nobody else’s business.
I disagreed with the fact that you categorically stated that co sleeping is not safe when it can be done safely which is my point. The NHS even says so. However you know best obviously……

I think the NHS is very carefully worded. It's clear their advice is for babies to sleep alone, feet to foot & in a clear cot but they aren't going to stop people from co-sleeping so they are advising those who will co-sleep no matter what.

There's safer ways to co-sleep but it isn't as safe as the above advice on the NHS or it would be presented more equally, not just a small section about co-sleeping at the end.

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 20:22

@Botw1 Even though it says ‘be safe if you share a bed with your baby’ and then gives you examples to follow in order to do this.
I think you only see what you want to see.
I’m not going to waste any more of my time on you.
Clearly your opinion is the right one.
keep commenting on threads that aren’t relevant to you.

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 20:30

@LucyWeb1

If you need instructions on how to make something safer when doing it, it's pretty clear its not safe.

I mean, the nhs probably says be safe wear a seat belt. It doesn't mean not wearing one is safe

There is a safe, less risky alternative.

Co sleeping isn't just about the increased risk of sids. It's also increasing the risk of suffocation.

No safety tips can remove that risk completely

jannier · 21/04/2023 20:31

graciousgrace · 21/04/2023 14:58

Co sleeping can be done safely.

Show quote history

The updated advice is still that the safest place for baby is in their own sleeping space....the wording is if you insist on co sleeping the safest way is.....see Lullaby Trust and NHS ....
So the comment she made is not wrong.

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 20:33

@Botw1 urgh! Why am I still here. Sleeping in a cot isn’t without its risks either.
Nothing in life is. I didn’t say co sleeping is safer than sleeping in a cot. I just said co sleeping can be done safely.
NHS also has instructions to follow feet to foot. Does that mean it is not safe? I don’t think so. Not sure on instructions meaning something isn’t safe?

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2023 20:34

jannier · 21/04/2023 20:31

The updated advice is still that the safest place for baby is in their own sleeping space....the wording is if you insist on co sleeping the safest way is.....see Lullaby Trust and NHS ....
So the comment she made is not wrong.

Show quote history

This is why I'm not sure changing it was a good idea. I understand the thought behind it but now it seems that some parents are taking it to mean that it is just as safe as their own sleeping space.

A blanket don't do it was much more clear.

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 20:38

@LucyWeb1

No, but it does mean that not sleeping feet to foot is less safe.

That's literally why we have health promotion and advice.

The nhs website says if you are going to co sleep make sure you reduce the risk as much as you can

It does not say its safe

I get why people still do it. Some people even convince themselves that it actually is safer than cot sleeping. That it's better

It's not.

OdeToBarney · 21/04/2023 20:40

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/04/2023 15:39

The reality is that babies and children are parented according to the prevailing fashion of the day and the latest psychological theories and, short of actual abuse and neglect, the vast majority of us turn out as perfectly normal adults regardless of what theory was followed or what name was given to the method. There’s no official right or wrong way to parent. As a non-parent (with no intention of ever being one) I’m frankly baffled by all the palaver around parenting. Just do what works for you and works for your child, stop worrying about what anyone else might be doing or letting what they might think of what you’re doing worry you.

By the time your kid is an adult nobody’s going to know or care a jot what you called your parenting technique (which will almost certainly have been replaced by something apparently “better” anyway) you used so stop making life so hard for yourself now, cut yourself (and others) some slack, and tell yourself that you’re doing the best thing for you.

This is the best and most sensible thing I've read on MN for a very long time. 👏

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