To think we try and encourage babies to be independent too soon?

[graciousgrace]

I just don't understand the obsession with wanting babies to be so independent so early on? I go to quite a few baby groups, and am constantly hearing comments like...

"I don't spoon feed my baby, I've encouraged self feeding from day one."

"My baby sleeps through the night because I didn't respond to their cries when they woke up."

"I don't rock my baby to sleep because they need to learn to put themselves to sleep and self soothe."

"I don't co-sleep because my baby needs to be in their own room in their own cot."

And the most shocking one of all... a mum at a baby group I went to said that her 7 month old baby "will only do a poo on the toilet"! Literally couldn't make it up!

As a mum who happily spoon feeds, co-sleeps and rocks my baby to sleep, it is so annoying hearing these comments because it's like these mums think they're superior. What's wrong with me wanting to treat my baby like a, you know, baby? I mean, great for you if those things work for you, but us mums who do things differently shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or like we're doing things wrong. Babies are only babies for such a short amount of time, so why can't we embrace the time when they actually need us to do things for them? I doubt I'll have a 15 year who still wants to be spoon fed, rocked to sleep and sleep in my bed 😂 does anyone agree or am I just being too sensitive?

@jannier

Exactly

@SouthLondonMum22

Yup.

There is research to show that permissive attitudes from hcp to co sleeping increase deaths not reduce them because people misinterpret the advice as shown on this thread

I didn't spoon feed because my baby refused to have anything to do with puree and used to scream bloody murder if I came anywhere near him with a spoon. He only wanted finger food, or preferably my food 🙄.

Similarly I never got the hang of co sleeping. I can't sleep at all without 2 pillows, preferably at least one dog and the blanket pulled up to my neck. Bit jealous of all the people who can just...drop off on a bare mattress.

I find the opposite. Round us there's a huge amount of virtue signalling going on with people saying how co-sleeping helps you respond to your baby's needs better etc. People are definitely judged for sleep training.

Yes babies and children are DEFINITELY pushed into growing up too soon now, and sadly society is all ready to push parents down that route (nurseries not doing enough settling in, parents co-sleeping or breastfeeding later being prime examples)

It's really sad... forced independence only causes insecurity, anxiety and trust issues.

Do please explain in what sense co-sleeping or breastfeeding later are examples of babies being forced to grow up/be independent too soon.

I agree op. I had dd in a sling when she was a tiny baby and got "oh you're going to have a clingy baby doing that!"

I believe in keeping babies close, giving them as much love and affection as you can and always going in to see them in the night rather than leaving them to cry.

In about an hour 4.5 year old ds is probably going to end up sleeping the rest of the night in our bed but if that's what makes him feel safe and secure then so be it.

Yeah sorry but this is correct and I did bedshare with my first child. It's just common sense that a small baby in a big squishy bed with an adult is less safe than a cot purposely made to keep them safe through proper airflow/high sides/lack of other people in it etc. Yes co sleeping possibly helps them regulate their breathing but you achieve this by having them in the cot beside your bed.

I do a mix of spoon feeding and bits they can grab.

I can definitely relate to this - DD1, who's two and a half, sees me feeding DD2, eight months, with a spoon and says, "Mummy feed me, I'm being a baby."

In the interests of being able to eat my own food, I'm often not keen and have been known to say, "If you're a baby, you'll need to nap when DD2 does!" At which point DD1 discovers that she can use her spoon after all.

Agreed, it's like everyone us afraid to just relax and act natural, co sleeping has been with us since humans, nothing wrong with it, I did it all the time

I’m not afraid to relax, I just couldn’t think of anything less relaxing than co-sleeping.

We both like our own space.

I co-slept AND sleep trained. I gave finger foods AND purées. I potty trained one DC at 22 months, the other at 3. One DC has been putting herself to bed since 3 years old, dressing herself, and can make her own breakfast including toast. The other still likes to be “fed like a baby” a couple of times a week at age 4. You’re gonna have a field day with judging me. 😂

There's not a chance a 18mo th old was independently using the toilet all day on their own without being prompted/taken by adults and having no accidents.

At the other end of the scale it's not difficult to spot a child who has been babied by parents and grandparents and not allowed to grow up and develop independence, who then go into primary school Ill prepared with the social skills needed to interact independently with other children of the same age. They are usually the ones notably behind their peers in social skills because they are still being treated like babies at home while other children the same age have been given the independence to develop.

I had a baby who wanted independence.

She only bf when hungry, no chance of feeding to sleep or just for comfort, she wasn't interested.

She also wasn't interested in spoon feeding, I think the only things were porridge and yoghurt. She would feed herself a bit but only started proper eating when she was 9 months and managed fork/spoon to mouth on her own and then we went to normal food, no point in mush.

She hated being in a carrier.

I didn't co-sleep as I found it irritating having her in my room even in the moses basket/crib and was terrified in having her in my bed.

Go with a flow but you can't make a baby do something they can't do physically or don't want in my view.

It's been nearly 30 years since I raised a baby (whelp I feel old 🫣) but I thought the received wisdom was to be baby led - picking up their cues and helping them level up in the way that suited them best.

Every child will be different but all these regimes and competitive seeming ideas boggle my mind.

Tips and tricks to help progression are one thing, but methinks part of some current parenting zeitgeist might be consumer and industry driven.

“but us mums who do things differently shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or like we're doing things wrong.”

Yet you come on here shaming those that do choose to do the things YOU disagree with. 🙄

100% agree with you! I think people sometimes have to do things that way for their sanity but I do think it's sad babies are forced to grow up so fast. There are some studies that show babies who have co slept etc are actually more independent at a younger age when they start school etc and that's certainly true of my very independent and strong willed 4.5 year old!

@Elaina87

So you think its sad that babies are made to be independent but also that studies show that co sleeping increases independence and thats a good thing?

Pick a side eh?

(I don't believe co sleeping or not has any affect on how independent kids are)

I agree with you but also you are a bit too sensitive. It’s not a race of who’s the better mum

My, now adult, kids preferred to be in a cot from birth. Neither liked being swaddled despite midwives telling me that all babies loved it. I sleep trained both because I was at the end of my tether with the oldest waking up in the night when he wasn't actually needing to be fed. I learnt my lesson and did the same with the youngest. They both preferred finger food to anything pureed. The oldest liked curry and rice at a very young age. The oldest would have probably used nappies forever, the youngest trained himself at a young age. They both walked at 7 months. That's just the way they were. All babies are different. Mine were like that.

Only advice you should genuinely take to heart is anything specific from a medical professional. Everything that's been said can meet different purposes. Everyone will have (very strong in some cases) personal opinions, as long as what you choose to do is safe then I wouldn't sweat it. My only bug bare is people who try and trash actual scientifically supported information because they didn't do it so they feel like it's somehow a personal criticism. If you choose not to follow guidance that's up to you though! Also, I would be careful that you aren't confusing people's motivations. Some things may have nothing to do with independence and everything to do with lots of other positives (baby led weaning is a good example, if you Google why it's recommended you may be surprised 😀 our health visitor was all in favour of it and said it reduces risks of choking so I was all on board!)

I'm only 18 months into this parenting malarkey, but whenever I read things like this I can honestly never decide what side I'm on! 😅 I have found a little bit of ALL the "techniques" have worked for me. E.g. we kind of did (are still doing) BLW, and my daughter does pretty much finger-feed herself everything, but sometimes when it's appropriate/necessary (or even just for my convenience), I will also spoon-feed from time to time. I exclusively breastfed, but I wouldn't have minded her having a dummy (in fact I did try to give her one, she just refused, lol). She's always been a great sleeper and even if she does wake up she usually settles herself - but sometimes if I'm awake anyway, I will respond to her, even if she could have soothed herself. 🤷‍♀️

I think it's like anything - all things in moderation. There's absolutely no point in going, "I'm going to ONLY do this, and NEVER that" because you're just setting yourself up for failure when things don't go to plan. If I have another baby, I'm fully accepting of the fact that the way I've done things this time might not work with a different kid, and that's ok. Youve just got to do what works at the time. And most importantly - STOP COMPARING YOURSELF WITH OTHER PEOPLE!!

NHS advice has now changed and cosleeping is supported.

Every parent of a baby overlaying death that I met thought they could co sleep safely. It’s not safe.

No such thing as "too early". Anything to make life easier for parents is a good idea.
DM told me I was "clean" at 12 months, "dry" was c.16 months.
The incentive was there because of their living conditions.