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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we try and encourage babies to be independent too soon?

313 replies

graciousgrace · 21/04/2023 14:52

I just don't understand the obsession with wanting babies to be so independent so early on? I go to quite a few baby groups, and am constantly hearing comments like...

"I don't spoon feed my baby, I've encouraged self feeding from day one."

"My baby sleeps through the night because I didn't respond to their cries when they woke up."

"I don't rock my baby to sleep because they need to learn to put themselves to sleep and self soothe."

"I don't co-sleep because my baby needs to be in their own room in their own cot."

And the most shocking one of all... a mum at a baby group I went to said that her 7 month old baby "will only do a poo on the toilet"! Literally couldn't make it up!

As a mum who happily spoon feeds, co-sleeps and rocks my baby to sleep, it is so annoying hearing these comments because it's like these mums think they're superior. What's wrong with me wanting to treat my baby like a, you know, baby? I mean, great for you if those things work for you, but us mums who do things differently shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or like we're doing things wrong. Babies are only babies for such a short amount of time, so why can't we embrace the time when they actually need us to do things for them? I doubt I'll have a 15 year who still wants to be spoon fed, rocked to sleep and sleep in my bed 😂 does anyone agree or am I just being too sensitive?

OP posts:
LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 15:59

@Coffeeandbourbons its not about the picture 😩 but who cares if he’s 3?
like the OP said it’s not like they are going to be co-sleeping at 15. Hopefully not at 3 but some children need it whilst others don’t.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 21/04/2023 15:59

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 14:56

No one can make you feel inadequate

If you're confident in your choices who cares what anyone else thinks.

Personally I didnt co sleep because its not safe and I sleep trained because I wanted to sleep

Nothing to do with independence

I (partially) agree with this.

I co-slept with both my babies as it was perfectly safe for me to do so.

And this is the crux of it. Feel confident in your own choices. People who feel the need to proclaim what it is they think they are doing well, are generally not as confident in those choices as they'd like to have you believe.

Coffeeandbourbons · 21/04/2023 16:03

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 15:59

@Coffeeandbourbons its not about the picture 😩 but who cares if he’s 3?
like the OP said it’s not like they are going to be co-sleeping at 15. Hopefully not at 3 but some children need it whilst others don’t.

Because ‘safe’ cosleeping isn’t generally needed at 3. It’s much more important for small babies so a picture of a 3 year old (and silk sheets, wtf) makes zero sense given the target audience

MeinKraft · 21/04/2023 16:04

OP point out that some babies love to be fed, cuddled and lugged about and some have more independent personalities and like their space. You're doing baby led parenting - feel smug about that Grin

maddiemookins16mum · 21/04/2023 16:06

I tend to find the co-sleepers and rock to sleepers the same ones back again years later pulling their hair out as their 5 year old needs his back rubbed for 50 mins each night to get him off to sleep, their wain won’t sleep anywhere but their bed and they can’t do anything of an evening because the bedtime routine takes ages.

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 16:06

@Coffeeandbourbons yes I agree. They could have used a better image more relevant to the article.

ModestMoon · 21/04/2023 16:19

What's wrong with me wanting to treat my baby like a, you know, baby?

Babies are only babies for such a short amount of time, so why can't we embrace the time when they actually need us to do things for them?

These comments are judgemental. I stopped co-sleeping very soon and gave my baby their own room earlier than some. Did I fail to treat my baby like a, you know, baby? Did I fail to embrace the time when he needs me? Perhaps you'll see it that way, from my perspective, I just did what felt right for me, my baby and our family.

If someone asked me at baby group I would have told them this, perhaps thrown in a light hearted comment like "Oh you know he's so independent!". If you had talked about other things, like the feeding or carrying him everywhere, I would have said that I spoon feed and always pick him up because "oh might as well get the cuddles in while I can, eh?" it's literally just inane small talk. The comments I make are about me and my baby, not secretly somehow about you and your baby. I have no opinion on what other people do and how if it works for them.

DidyouNO · 21/04/2023 16:23

As a mum of three adults and a tweeneger I'd go back in a heartbeat and hold them, rock them and spoon feed them. But every mum struggles with some aspects and getting your baby to sleep without rocking them or teaching them how to feed themselves earlier than average may save a parents sanity. We shouldn't judge others. The vast majority of parents will always choose what's best for their baby and we have no choice but to respect that. (I'd say all but I foster and know not all parents do the best for their child sadly)

AdoraBell · 21/04/2023 16:29

They may feel superior like my late MIL but you are not are not inadequate at all. You are doing the right treatment for your baby. Just smile and nod while they talking, and continue they way you treat your DC.

cptartapp · 21/04/2023 16:31

Getting baby to sleep through in their own cot was a massive incentive for me because it was the only break I ever got. Psychologically and physically I needed that space.
Midnight milky snuggles might be nice for some, but nothing beats several uninterrupted hours kip in your own bed.
All DC grown up and off at uni now with no issues, and my mental health intact.
Just do what you want.

Wenfy · 21/04/2023 16:34

being independant earlier is associated with better mh for children. If you talk to any early years teacher they’ll tell you the top things kids stress about at school are eating and pooing - and in many cases they stress so much about it they can’t learn anything else.

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 16:37

@LucyWeb1

The article is as bad as the picture!

Hardbackwriter · 21/04/2023 16:38

I find all this endless division into different parenting 'camps' so needless. It just doesn't reflect the reality I see around me, either. I could tell you that I sleep trained, went back to work well before a year and that I used formula and you'd decide I was one kind of parent. I could also tell you that I did baby-led weaning, used a sling rather than a pushchair nearly exclusively and that I breastfed and you might decide I was another kind. They were both just me trying to figure out what was best for my children and me. The same is true of everyone else I know.

If other people saying what they do makes you feel inadequate that's on you.

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 16:38

@Botw1 why?

Littlebummybums · 21/04/2023 16:39

A lot of it is bloody lies. They just say it to make themselves feel better. Pooing in a toilet 😂

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 16:44

@LucyWeb1

Because its an opinion piece.

A smug 1 at that

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 16:45

@Botw1 is the nhs one an opinion too? In your opinion?

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 16:49

@LucyWeb1

No.

It's factual advice.

Which doesn't say bed sharing is safe.

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 16:50

@Botw1 yet it gives you tips on sharing a bed safely.

Hugasauras · 21/04/2023 16:53

I never spoon-fed either of mine really, especially not second, because we all eat the same meals together and if I or DH have to spoon feed, neither of us can eat our dinner very well! So not especially about independence, but both of mine have taken to eating with their hands very quickly. DD2 is 10 months old now and can feed herself whole meals without any help from me. Both had teeth bang on 6 months which helps maybe, but I do find it a bit weird when babies who are totally capable of eating proper food are still being spoon-fed unappetising mush.

I co slept with DD1 until she was 3 but after doing it a bit at the start with DD2 I didn't really fancy continuing it with DD2, and turns out she sleeps better in her own cot anyway so I'm happy with that! A lot of the stuff we 'choose' to do is just because of our baby's preferences anyway.

CalpolDependant · 21/04/2023 16:54

OP: “Don’t judge me”

Also OP: judges you

Hugasauras · 21/04/2023 16:56

And honestly, life gets a lot easier when you don't really care what other people are doing and have confidence in yourself. It's harder with your first I think. With your second, you don't really have the time or headspace to care what other people are doing! If you want to cosleep and spoon feed and whatever then that's your choice. Others will make different choices and that's also okay.

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 16:58

@LucyWeb1

No it doesn't

It gives you advice on how to reduce the risk of bedsharing if you decide to do it.

Which personally I dont agree with but thats the stance they've chosen.

Hardbackwriter · 21/04/2023 17:03

Littlebummybums · 21/04/2023 16:39

A lot of it is bloody lies. They just say it to make themselves feel better. Pooing in a toilet 😂

Elimination communication is possible but - in contrary to what OP objects to - most people don't want to do it because it requires being basically glued to the baby all day. It is the opposite of making them very independent!

SleepyRich · 21/04/2023 17:04

LucyWeb1 · 21/04/2023 16:50

@Botw1 yet it gives you tips on sharing a bed safely.

It also gives you advice on safe use of alcohol, smoking and recreational drug use whilst caring for your baby. Just because there's advise doesn't infer that this makes them the best/safest practices. These advice pages are written pragmatically, knowing that new parents will still smoke, drink alcohol, take drugs and co-sleep so all the advice is given to minimise risk whilst undertaking these activities.

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