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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2023 07:42

I think that’s fair enough what you had said.

We have always gone out for family member birthdays but it’s got so expensive now, we have a takeaway at home. Still pricey, but probably less than half the price as you can provide your own wine!

Is it time to do that instead if there are lots of you and you’re thinking of costs?

MeetMyCat · 21/04/2023 07:42

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

That’s absolutely fine! Leave it at that

TomatoSandwiches · 21/04/2023 07:42

You already agreed to stop paying so YANBU, you can't go back on this at the first hurdle and you can't treat one and not the others.

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 07:43

I’d Pay. Would you do the same to your own?

Ponoka7 · 21/04/2023 07:43

It depends on why they can't afford it. If they don't want to prioritise a child's birthday in their spending, fair enough. If they want to be there but have had a tough month, then I'd offer a loan, to be paid back in instalments if needed.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/04/2023 07:44

Yanbu.

I guarantee they have £25 spare if working they are just prioritising spending on other things.

Ponoka7 · 21/04/2023 07:44

I agree that you have to apply the same principle to your biological children.

Beamur · 21/04/2023 07:45

I'd pay for them on this occasion.

MeetMyCat · 21/04/2023 07:45

Ponoka7 · 21/04/2023 07:43

It depends on why they can't afford it. If they don't want to prioritise a child's birthday in their spending, fair enough. If they want to be there but have had a tough month, then I'd offer a loan, to be paid back in instalments if needed.

But if it’s just a pub meal, you can probably get a main course for approx £12? Not exactly a loan scenario? But, no- do not offer to pay

hattie43 · 21/04/2023 07:46

I think you're idea is fair enough , they'll always be times when one person or other can't afford it so another cake meet is a flexible idea .
I agree it's too much money for you to pick up the tab for everyone .

MsWhitworth · 21/04/2023 07:48

I think it depends how the other siblings would react. Are they the type to whine about it being unfair or the type who would willingly cover it themselves?

JudgeRudy · 21/04/2023 07:48

When someone says they can't afford something they probably can, they'd just rather spend their limited 'spare' money on other stuff....which is fine.Theuve made their choice, it's no big deal, not a special party or wedding. I don't know how you split finances but if your OH wants to pay that's up to him, but you're not paying on principal. My advice has nothing to do with them bring a step child btw.
Now if you were wealthy and they were genuinely broke that's a different matter but if I treated them then guard they'd gone out with friends that month or bought a takeaway or a new pair of shoes I'd be irritated.

JudgeRudy · 21/04/2023 07:49

I've borrowed a tenner before.

nurseynursery · 21/04/2023 07:50

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/04/2023 07:44

Yanbu.

I guarantee they have £25 spare if working they are just prioritising spending on other things.

I don't have a spare £25 and we're both working. HTH

Coffeellama · 21/04/2023 07:50

I think it depends on the family dynamics really, can they really not afford it? How will the others react if you help out? Can you afford to occasionally help out like this?

Sirzy · 21/04/2023 07:50

The other siblings wouldn’t need to know. Personally I would discreetly pay for her if you can.

which is most important your daughter getting to spend time with all of her family together or making some sort of point?

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:51

Thanks for the feedback, we Weil definitely we ensure the rule for all 5 children. I know the rule is different with their mum, who always pays for them but I'm sure they understand our situations are different.

I'm trying not to let how my dsc spends their money influence my decision, but I have noted they're still going out with friends and partner at weekend Confused

OP posts:
TravelDazzle · 21/04/2023 07:52

I would pay for them but say they can pay you back. That way, they don't miss out, and you aren't paying for them.

Starhead69 · 21/04/2023 07:52

Can you loan the money so dsc doesn’t feel excluded? On the condition they pay you back

Thelastofbus · 21/04/2023 07:53

I think it’s a bit sad if the whole family can’t be there as it is a ‘special occasion’. I think if it was just a casual Sunday lunch out I’d not pay, but as it’s a family birthday I’d want everyone to be there if possible, so either I would pay or I’d do a family meal/celebration at home.

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 07:54

Thelastofbus · 21/04/2023 07:53

I think it’s a bit sad if the whole family can’t be there as it is a ‘special occasion’. I think if it was just a casual Sunday lunch out I’d not pay, but as it’s a family birthday I’d want everyone to be there if possible, so either I would pay or I’d do a family meal/celebration at home.

Me too…I’m can’t imagine having one child excluded like this.

TheKobayashiMaru · 21/04/2023 07:55

I suspect they can afford it, they just don't want to prioritise the outing.

Coffeellama · 21/04/2023 07:56

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:51

Thanks for the feedback, we Weil definitely we ensure the rule for all 5 children. I know the rule is different with their mum, who always pays for them but I'm sure they understand our situations are different.

I'm trying not to let how my dsc spends their money influence my decision, but I have noted they're still going out with friends and partner at weekend Confused

If they physically could afford but but have prioritised another night out I’d say that means they are fine with missing this meal and coming over for cake then. I imagine with 5 kids there’s plenty of other birthday pub meals through the year so on this occasion they’ve opted out.

Dibbydoos · 21/04/2023 07:57

What you said is fine. They're adults not kids.

lap90 · 21/04/2023 08:08

Although it's not how we do things in our family, if the DSC was ok with the response then fine.