To not pay for family meal

[westenminster]

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

In this instance the person is a bit short of money so why not, on the odd occasion. I wouldn't ever expect my parents to, but I don't need to. My sister isn't in the same position as me so I wouldn't have an issue if my parents might pay for her as long as they can afford it. If anything usually I'll shout. In our family money isn't more important than our relationships 🤷‍♀️

Paying for a full three course meal for 8 adults and 2 kids is very very different to paying for 2 adults and 2 kids!

It's not fair on your youngest pre teen to miss out on their birthday request because an older sibling can't afford to join, the older sibling seems to be prioritising other activities over the meal (which is fine!) and that's normal at that age. Your option of popping in for cake and celebrations sounds like a lovely way to make sure they know they're welcome to come celebrate.

To PP who suggested everyone comes to the OPs house and brings wine and nibbles - why on earth would a pre teen want that sort of birthday celebration?! The family meal with those who've got the free time and means to attend sounds lovely, and cake with anyone who couldn't make it another time makes sense.

This

This! They are taking the piss and hoping you will pay. Don’t give in.

Shouldn't her father do that?

I think in mid twenties it is acceptable to pay for your own meals out. If they had lost their job/ struggling with morgage/ on benefits then of course you would pay, and book somewhere cheaper so you could afford it. As it is, they have prioritised their money for other socialising. That's their choice, and that's OK.
You could offer to lend them the money, but I think what you have done is fine.

@Freefall212 Have you read the whole thread? You'll see that it's actually Dh who said let's just go out as a 4. I'm trying to find a way to accommodate everyone.

And again, it's not £25. They are expecting us to pay for them and their partner and they're drinks.

We will be having another conversation about ways to make it work. Maybe we will pay for their meal. Who knows. I was getting advise as to how to handle it, I never said I didn't want them there or alluded to money being more important

I said I couldn't afford not that I didn't want to pay

You've made some huge assumptions which probably say more about you then me

I wouldn't pay for my adult children and partners with jobs but would for those who were still studying

Nothing to with step children, a matter of funds

You’ve literally just made a load of imaginary stuff up and got wound up about it

Or perhaps they just don't have the money. People are really struggling at the moment or has the whole cost of living crisis just floated over your head

Miss out on what though. Going out for a meal with everyone? No, you’ve already said sometimes not everyone attends.

It would make much more sense to go out as a 4 so your children get to have the meal out. And then do something at home for everyone. No one misses out because of lack of money and you can plan it l, around their work when everyone can be there, easier when it’s at home, than a restaurant.

I’d say there was quite a difference between paying for a meal for one adult DC who was skint but really wanted to come and paying for said adult DC AND their boyfriend and drinks all night. Surely they’re not both skint?! I’d worry that if you started doing this for one, it would be expected for all three (6 adults) forevermore.

I’d take just the smalls out somewhere fun for a birthday treat-pizza a led ice cream, and then have the whole family round for a picky bits dinner and drinks on another day.

YANBU but the point is that the sc doesn't want to go for the meal that much. I expect they are annoyed that they are expected to go out for these meals that cost money.

So stand your ground, but if its something that is important as family time it is on its way out I suspect.

So many people are missing the fact that these DSCs do have disposable income, they'd just rather spend it on other things. They're also CFs who eat and drink more when their parents are paying.

OP, perhaps reduce the frequency of restaurant meet ups to control the cost? Maybe have one celebratory meal jointly for all the DSCs, or a meal/BBQ at your house instead?

Or have an open conversation about how it was about time they chipped in and paid their way? If they're working and don't have DC yet, it could well be that they more disposable income than you do, they just don't want to spend it on a family meal.

This
Eldest pays now as he's working if we go out, but for a family birthday I usually pay for us all.
If I couldn't afford a family meal out I'd adapt to a takeaway or fakeaway and bake a cake at home instead, little mini party 🙂

We have working families having to use food banks atm so yes there are people that skint, plenty of them

No-one knows why they say they can't come - it might be they can't afford it but this might just be a reason to not come. They may have another event to go to/have double booked and are embarrassed to say.

I have a family member who could never afford things like this, well it wasn't that they couldn't, was that they prioritised other spending. Presumably other posters think that group family outings should not happen unless someone else pays (this did happen in our case ie very few family gatherings, and has had implications later on).

You are not excluding them, they are deciding not to come along. Do what you have said, invite them for cake. Set the rules and boundaries early.

I think exceptions should be made occasionally.
Has DSC actually suggested you should pay? Do they actually want to go?
I totally don't think you should be paying for everyone, that is ridiculous, especially paying for partners.

My parents obviously don't pay for me when we go out for a meal, but on occasions where I've been a little short, they've paid the bill and I've transferred the money over a couple of days later.

My brother still lives with them as my mum is his carer. He does work as well as receive PIP, but they usually pay for him, and I certainly don't begrudge this.

I see why you wouldn't want to pay as DSC is spending money on going out, but it would be a shame to have just one family member excluded. I would offer to pay on the proviso they pay you back on the next pay day.

So many people are missing the fact that these DSCs do have disposable income, they'd just rather spend it on other things.

Good point

There are five kids in our family - as small children my mum would go to pains to treat us equally - I remember her dividing up a family block on chocolate with a knife, cutting pieces in halves so we were all equal! But as adults we recognise life ebbs and flows and people have different circumstances. I think its a shame that money is stopping them going and I would think nothing of paying; its a birthday not a weekly event.

But the birthday child has specifically said they want to go to this particular restaurant...

This 👏👏👏👏

but I have noted they're still going out with friends and partner at weekend
They'd clearly rather do that... What's the issue, really?
They're adults who'd rather not spend clearly limited cash on a sibling's birthday meal. Not a problem.

I'm a very adult DC and get invited to family meals/theatre trips frequently. I never go as I cannot afford it. Yes, I work fulltime, yes I prioritise other spending as I have my own DC, one of whom is at uni. I don't ask my mum to pay.

Not unusual on Mumsnet. 😉