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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:34

ilovepuppies2019 · 21/04/2023 08:33

I think I missed the age gaps. Are all the children 24 - 28 or are these the ages of the older ones and there are two much younger children?

I would probably offer to pay for the main meal (to make sure that everyone can come and join) but not pay for entrees, desserts or drinks. Then they can be part of it but it's not excessive. I groan at the trend for partners to come everywhere all the time. If the younger children are much younger then it's okay for sibling to share a meal and celebrate birthdays of young kids without partners. Some couples are attached at the hip and it's annoying when it has financial consequences!

The older kids (3 of them) are 24-28

Our younger ones are pre teens

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 21/04/2023 08:34

It flummoxes me how people can know how much money others have to spare, they seem to be blind that working people can actually be down to the bone moneywise through no fault of their own.

TravelDazzle · 21/04/2023 08:35

westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:33

Yep, it's a huge bill

And as I've said they all bring partners

That 8 adult meals, and drink

2 kids meals

They'll all want pudding. Confused

It's not really sustainable, is it?! I don't think you've said you, but how did your SC react when you said not to worry about coming to the meal?

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:35

Wishitsnows · 21/04/2023 08:33

I guess if you genuinely can’t afford it then there is nothing you can do. Hopefully it’s not a case that you are just tight. Seems sad that only one gets left out.

No we can't afford it . A meal for 10.
This is just the family meal, there's present and party to pay for too.

OP posts:
Paq · 21/04/2023 08:35

Being an adult means that occasionally you have to make choices and miss out on stuff. No one in their 20s should expect their parents to fund them (and their partner - cringe!). If you are willing and able, fine. If you're not then don't.

Some posters here are confusing love with money.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 08:35

We would never exclude a family member over money when others can afford it. Celebrating with family is more important to us than £25.

We would either just have everyone over to the house for food and cake or we would quietly tell them we will cover it and please come join us.

You might feel differently OP when its your child who is now an adult but can't afford what you and your husband and the older step children can. Will you be fine with family events and celebrations that include everyone but one of your children just because s/he isn't as financially well off? Would you really feel that £25 was more important than having your daughter or son present at your birtday or your other child's birthday?

That is a mindset I can't even really understand

Newgirls · 21/04/2023 08:35

Now the family is so large and grown up is switch to hosting at home. People can bring pudding, wine etc. saves money all round. This doesn’t sound very relaxing for anyone

OriGanOver · 21/04/2023 08:35

I'd pay but not make a big deal about it. If I was going out with my family and one of my siblings was broke and my mum paid for them I wouldn't begrudge that. They're all adults and should understand.

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/04/2023 08:35

Whenharrymetsmelly · 21/04/2023 08:20

I find these threads so depressing how cheap parents are towards their own children and stepchildren. No wonder young adults have so many issues now. I can't imagine ever letting someone miss out because they can't afford it. Oh well reap what you sow I guess, don't expect too much when you're old OP Hmm

But they bring partners too, so you think it's horrible they can't afford to pay for 10 people to go out for a meal, roughly 400 quid them each time? 6 are adults who work. I'm sure there's the odd special occasion that they may pay for everyone's meal. I don't expect my parents to pay for me and you should be a bit embarrassed if you as a grown up don't pay for yourself when you go out with your parents and family or at least offer

60smusic · 21/04/2023 08:36

Tbh If I've invited people for a birthday/event meal, I'd pay. If it was just a random gathering where we ended up going for a meal then I'd either suggest us paying for food or splitting the bill and everyone buy their own drink.

I wouldn't arrange something that no one could afford. Maybe you could suggest the 4 of you going for a meal and then everyone meeting another evening at home for cake etc

Sometimes people feel they have to attend something because it's family, by offering an alternative like cake at home, they might prefer that. If they are doing other sociable things at the weekend, you have to make allowances for that, going out to something that isn't a child's birthday is probably more attractive to them.

Paq · 21/04/2023 08:36

Newgirls · 21/04/2023 08:35

Now the family is so large and grown up is switch to hosting at home. People can bring pudding, wine etc. saves money all round. This doesn’t sound very relaxing for anyone

But it means that the birthday kid doesn't get their treat.

Georgieporgie29 · 21/04/2023 08:36

Surely if you pay on this occasion they will just say they can’t afford it every time and then their siblings will latch on to that and suddenly they can’t afford it either. If I was really struggling in that scenario and wanted to go then I would ask for a loan and only I and not my partner would attend. It sounds to me like they could afford it but don’t want to spend their free money on that meal.

I think what you have offered is fair. It may be that at future meals not everybody can attend, but that’s just the way it is. You may find that if they don’t go this time they will feel like they are missing out and will attend future ones.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:37

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 08:35

We would never exclude a family member over money when others can afford it. Celebrating with family is more important to us than £25.

We would either just have everyone over to the house for food and cake or we would quietly tell them we will cover it and please come join us.

You might feel differently OP when its your child who is now an adult but can't afford what you and your husband and the older step children can. Will you be fine with family events and celebrations that include everyone but one of your children just because s/he isn't as financially well off? Would you really feel that £25 was more important than having your daughter or son present at your birtday or your other child's birthday?

That is a mindset I can't even really understand

There is no way it will be £25 though. Read back.

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:38

OriGanOver · 21/04/2023 08:35

I'd pay but not make a big deal about it. If I was going out with my family and one of my siblings was broke and my mum paid for them I wouldn't begrudge that. They're all adults and should understand.

Thanks for the perspective, it's really helpful to hear from the other siblings side xx

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:38

60smusic · 21/04/2023 08:36

Tbh If I've invited people for a birthday/event meal, I'd pay. If it was just a random gathering where we ended up going for a meal then I'd either suggest us paying for food or splitting the bill and everyone buy their own drink.

I wouldn't arrange something that no one could afford. Maybe you could suggest the 4 of you going for a meal and then everyone meeting another evening at home for cake etc

Sometimes people feel they have to attend something because it's family, by offering an alternative like cake at home, they might prefer that. If they are doing other sociable things at the weekend, you have to make allowances for that, going out to something that isn't a child's birthday is probably more attractive to them.

I have offered cake and drinks at the weekend as alternative xx

OP posts:
GoodChat · 21/04/2023 08:40

How would your youngest feel about their sibling not being there? Surely that's how you make your decision.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 08:41

westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:37

There is no way it will be £25 though. Read back.

Show quote history

You don't need to pay for everyone. Only one person isn't able to come due to finances. No adults that have been raised to be decent people will bedruge helping out a sibling so they can attend a family birthday

Anyways, to you a bit of money is more important than having your kids around. To your husband his kids are more important than a bit of money.

I am like your hubsnd but would never be with someone whose worldview and priorities were so different than mine and who would happily exclude a kid if they can't pay up.

Do you pay 50% of all expenses or are you happy to let your husband pay for you? I really hope you pay your fair share of everything - dinners out, vacations etc given your views that money is more important than family and that you shouldn't ever help another adult.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:42

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/04/2023 08:33

It doesn't sound like this DSC wants to attend this time. They're citing expense as the reason but if they're willing to spend it doing something else then it's not the money per se, they'd just rather use it on something else. But it seems clear that there is no expectation that they must attend, so I wouldn't offer to pay for them and their partner as it's not that they're desperate to come but can't afford to, they're simply not prioritising it.

I have a nephew and step-nephew who are in their late twenties/thirties, they don't really want to go out for meals to celebrate the birthdays of their teenage relatives. I'd only actually want people to be there because they wanted to be there.

I did wonder if this was the case.

They didn't seem bothered about not coming, they are the less involved sibling. They just said . "Can't really afford but have fun" type thing

I do know they'll come if we pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:43

flutterbyebaby · 21/04/2023 08:34

It flummoxes me how people can know how much money others have to spare, they seem to be blind that working people can actually be down to the bone moneywise through no fault of their own.

Me too. And to say people are mean is a bit extreme too.

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 21/04/2023 08:43

Whenharrymetsmelly · 21/04/2023 08:20

I find these threads so depressing how cheap parents are towards their own children and stepchildren. No wonder young adults have so many issues now. I can't imagine ever letting someone miss out because they can't afford it. Oh well reap what you sow I guess, don't expect too much when you're old OP Hmm

So how you treat your parents is dependent on them paying for you at certain events? No thoughts to if they can actually afford it. Wow such a selfish blind attitude

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:44

Paq · 21/04/2023 08:35

Being an adult means that occasionally you have to make choices and miss out on stuff. No one in their 20s should expect their parents to fund them (and their partner - cringe!). If you are willing and able, fine. If you're not then don't.

Some posters here are confusing love with money.

Thank you, that's what I think x

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 21/04/2023 08:44

westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:43

Me too. And to say people are mean is a bit extreme too.

Show quote history

You are definitely not mean, the fact you are worrying about this shows that.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:44

Newgirls · 21/04/2023 08:35

Now the family is so large and grown up is switch to hosting at home. People can bring pudding, wine etc. saves money all round. This doesn’t sound very relaxing for anyone

But then the littles miss out

OP posts:
SleepingTilSummer · 21/04/2023 08:45

Are you sure it’s not that they just don’t want to go? A birthday meal for a much younger half sibling may not be a way they want to spend their spare time and cash. 😬

AlexisR · 21/04/2023 08:46

Of course I'd pay for them if they were genuinely struggling with money and in a worse financial situation than the others.

It's different if they'd just blown their money on a night out, obviously, but if they're genuinely struggling why wouldn't you pay?

I don't see it as 'treating' them in that situation, I just see it as equity.