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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
Rightsraptor · 21/04/2023 08:09

This isn't a special occasion, as some are saying here. It's OP & husband's youngest child's birthday. OP has established, and we all seem to agree, that her DC and DSC should be treated the same. All five are DP's children, I think?

All five will have an annual birthday, obviously. If OP agrees to make an exception for this one occasion what about the next birthday when it rolls around, and the one after that? Five every year, if we include OP and DH, that's seven 'special occasions' every year. At least.

Stick to your guns, OP. Do the cake thing.

Hankunamatata · 21/04/2023 08:11

Actually I think it's difficult as the sibling may not actually want to come to the family meal bit perhaps dh wants all his kids together

MeetMyCat · 21/04/2023 08:12

I'm trying not to let how my dsc spends their money influence my decision, but I have noted they're still going out with friends and partner at weekend

All the more reason not to pay for them

Lovingitallnow · 21/04/2023 08:14

If dh wants them there he pays. I don't think it's fair to be pissy at them- I wouldn't want to spend my money on 7 meals out with family a year. Or mightn't have when I was younger. But if I said I can't afford it - ie not in the budget that's my choice as well. If dh wants them there then they can pay but no point getting annoyed that they spend their money elsewhere- they're not asking him to pay.

Starlitestarbright · 21/04/2023 08:16

If your insisting of these big families meals for your dc birthdays (so not a regular occurance) and want their siblings to attend you guys should pay. Be thankfully they make an effort many siblings that age with big gaps between siblings wouldn't bother.

Eggseggseverywhere · 21/04/2023 08:19

Dsc have prioritised their spends to elsewhere.. Your response was absolutely perfect...
After all you could have called them out on not putting family first..

Whenharrymetsmelly · 21/04/2023 08:20

I find these threads so depressing how cheap parents are towards their own children and stepchildren. No wonder young adults have so many issues now. I can't imagine ever letting someone miss out because they can't afford it. Oh well reap what you sow I guess, don't expect too much when you're old OP Hmm

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:21

So, yes all 5 children are Dh's.

I have considered knocking the meal thing on the head, but am reluctant for the younger children to miss out on something they (and I) enjoy when the older children have always had the chance to experience it.

I did suggest dh loan dsc the money without the others knowing, and he is pondering that. One of his ideas was we just go out as a 4 in future but I'm against that. We've always involved the older kids and I wouldn't want that to change, just don't want to be taken advantage of.

It's always quite a laid back affair, we never expect people to attend, it's not always all of us there...as I said it's who is free. There are times when even I've missed out because I've been visiting family.

It's become much more expensive because the older children drink. And they don't reel it in if we pay..... they'd order a 3 course and all the drinks!! (I mean would too! Grin)

OP posts:
BevMarsh · 21/04/2023 08:21

There's a good chance they just don't fancy coming to the meal, perhaps if they've got other engagements other days they may have decided on a night/day in on the day of your DC's birthday meal.
I think it would make them feel obliged to attend the meal if you offered to pay and it doesn't sound really like they're up for it.
You sound like a close family so if they really wanted to attend wouldn't they have felt comfortable asking for a few quid as a loan until payday?

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:22

Whenharrymetsmelly · 21/04/2023 08:20

I find these threads so depressing how cheap parents are towards their own children and stepchildren. No wonder young adults have so many issues now. I can't imagine ever letting someone miss out because they can't afford it. Oh well reap what you sow I guess, don't expect too much when you're old OP Hmm

Must be nice to be able to afford

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 21/04/2023 08:23

I’d suggest they just come for a drink or dessert.

gogohmm · 21/04/2023 08:24

How about a venue where the older ones can just join for a drink if they don't have the money for a meal

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 21/04/2023 08:25

I’d pay rather than make a sibling miss out on a family meal. Seems very mean

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:27

Just to add, one of the main factors in it being so expensive and unreachable for us to pay is that they always bring partners.

There is no way we can afford to pay for a meal for 10. We can afford to pay for 4. We like to go out and don't want to leave the others out. We invite them and never set any expectations that they come.

OP posts:
Bunnichick · 21/04/2023 08:28

I would pay but then my parents would always pay for us or we'd pay for them. We don't split the bill.

Saying that, it does get expensive. I have two grown up step children and I don't offer to take everyone out as much now that they've got partners as it's a lot.

If my DH wanted to, I wouldn't stop him. We don't have joint finances and I've often been the one to pay for stuff like that or when we go out with his parents and I just don't offer as much any more.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:29

gogohmm · 21/04/2023 08:24

How about a venue where the older ones can just join for a drink if they don't have the money for a meal

This is a great idea, and we do usually just do that. Pub lunch type thing

The problem with this one is that my youngest has asked to go to a specific restaurant that only takes bookings

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 21/04/2023 08:29

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/04/2023 07:44

Yanbu.

I guarantee they have £25 spare if working they are just prioritising spending on other things.

Where are you that a meal out still only costs £25?

southernbelles · 21/04/2023 08:29

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/04/2023 07:44

Yanbu.

I guarantee they have £25 spare if working they are just prioritising spending on other things.

'Guarantee' 🙄
We're both working but have had a difficult time lately & now that bills are paid we definitely don't have £25, not even to prioritise elsewhere

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:30

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 21/04/2023 08:25

I’d pay rather than make a sibling miss out on a family meal. Seems very mean

It's a consideration we are talking about, but it gets sticky. Do we also pay for their partner? Is it fair to pay for one and not the others? Should we cancel and then the youngest misses out

It's not easy

OP posts:
Felicity42 · 21/04/2023 08:31

If there's 5 kids and 2 parents then that's 7 times a year that these massive dinners out occur.
Do you split the bill equally or does each pay for their own?
Otherwise say to to the young person who can't afford it, to just come after dessert and a drink at the end.
Don't get involved in dodging unfair 'loans' to one kid just to get things your own way.

Rightsaidmargot · 21/04/2023 08:31

Whenharrymetsmelly · 21/04/2023 08:20

I find these threads so depressing how cheap parents are towards their own children and stepchildren. No wonder young adults have so many issues now. I can't imagine ever letting someone miss out because they can't afford it. Oh well reap what you sow I guess, don't expect too much when you're old OP Hmm

A basic pub meal near us (no drinks) is around £150 for 6 of us now. 5 times a year is £750 - more if they're drinking. Loads of people don't have that kind of money spare.

ilovepuppies2019 · 21/04/2023 08:33

I think I missed the age gaps. Are all the children 24 - 28 or are these the ages of the older ones and there are two much younger children?

I would probably offer to pay for the main meal (to make sure that everyone can come and join) but not pay for entrees, desserts or drinks. Then they can be part of it but it's not excessive. I groan at the trend for partners to come everywhere all the time. If the younger children are much younger then it's okay for sibling to share a meal and celebrate birthdays of young kids without partners. Some couples are attached at the hip and it's annoying when it has financial consequences!

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:33

Yep, it's a huge bill

And as I've said they all bring partners

That 8 adult meals, and drink

2 kids meals

They'll all want pudding. Confused

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 21/04/2023 08:33

I guess if you genuinely can’t afford it then there is nothing you can do. Hopefully it’s not a case that you are just tight. Seems sad that only one gets left out.

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/04/2023 08:33

It doesn't sound like this DSC wants to attend this time. They're citing expense as the reason but if they're willing to spend it doing something else then it's not the money per se, they'd just rather use it on something else. But it seems clear that there is no expectation that they must attend, so I wouldn't offer to pay for them and their partner as it's not that they're desperate to come but can't afford to, they're simply not prioritising it.

I have a nephew and step-nephew who are in their late twenties/thirties, they don't really want to go out for meals to celebrate the birthdays of their teenage relatives. I'd only actually want people to be there because they wanted to be there.