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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 21/04/2023 09:27

I think offering to pay for just the food is probably a good compromise in this situation.

Paq · 21/04/2023 09:27

Redkettle · 21/04/2023 09:24

Well you could get them to bring their bank statements. Pour over what they are prioritising and then decide at end of meal whether they should get it paid for or not. Surely main thing is famiky are all together. Believe me you never know what's round the corner.

So your argument is that parents should always sub their kids because they might die soon? That seems a little lacking in nuance...

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:27

Redkettle · 21/04/2023 09:24

Well you could get them to bring their bank statements. Pour over what they are prioritising and then decide at end of meal whether they should get it paid for or not. Surely main thing is famiky are all together. Believe me you never know what's round the corner.

That's really helpful

OP posts:
Inthesamesinkingboat · 21/04/2023 09:27

quite frankly if my brother were in this situation and my parents couldn’t pick up the tab I’d pay for him to go. I’d hate to have a family occasion and not have some coming because of money. I’d also think pretty poorly of my parents for saying to him he couldn’t come if he couldn’t afford it.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:28

jputthekettleon · 21/04/2023 09:25

We pay for our step kids for meals (and partners) if we invite them out but stipulate they buy their own alcohol! Suddenly the bill is a lot more reasonable when they have to buy their own as they think twice about ordering tonnes of cocktails etc.

On a mega special occasion, for example my 40th we paid for everything alcohol included as we saved for it. One of the ‘kids’ earns double my salary (I’m p/t due to young children) and the other not far off that so I’m not paying for alcohol that I simply can’t afford.

We are all really close and I hope in the future when my budget is better I can treat all in, as for me as the ‘parents’ I always want to treat the kids even if they are mid 20s!

I think this may be the way forward! X

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 21/04/2023 09:28

Personally I think they've been taking the piss bringing partners, drinking and not contributing a thing, I'd be embarrassed to have my parents pay for me and my partner as an adult.

The best way I can see it is what you've put, let the littles have the same birthday meal out as their older siblings did and then have cake and nibbles at the weekend for those that either choose not to or can not pay for a birthday meal.

Tealsofa · 21/04/2023 09:29

westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:25

We are considering this.
Would you pay for their partner too?

I'm leaning towards the idea of offering to pay for dsc food and asking them to fund their own drinks, but they've said their partner can't afford either

Show quote history

dont bring partner then

How is this so difficult - switch to just the birthday child and if sibling still child then that one too

Have a family get together at the weekend with cake and tea

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 21/04/2023 09:29

I wouldn't be paying for them. They are using their money for their preferred social time, that's their choice and not up to you to sub them.
Just brush it off saying ok no probs hopefully you can come next time.

Redkettle · 21/04/2023 09:29

Paq · 21/04/2023 09:27

So your argument is that parents should always sub their kids because they might die soon? That seems a little lacking in nuance...

Show quote history

No that's not what I'm saying. At all. I'm saying that at the end of it all when you look back on family life the priority is always gonna be helping people out and being together. Not like some posters moaning about how some of our kids spend their money and don't prioritise and exclude for the sake of one meal. Get everyone to chip in and be a family.no?

Cailin66 · 21/04/2023 09:30

OP has stated these are not just 3 adult children but with 3 partners as well. Also stated the 'child' saying they can't afford it is going out this weekend with friends. So they do have the money. But they are choosing not to spend it on their half siblings birthday which is a pretty mean thing to do. I think they are blacking mailing the OP and her husband by guilt tripping them. It would be a different story if the adult child had just started working, genuinely had no money etc. Also I think it's outrageous and downright bad manners to expect parents to pay for 3 course meals, cocktails and drinks if you are a working adult. Sounds like entitled brats to me. It would be different if it were something like a wedding, or 40th birthday, that kind of thing where the OP and husband had budgeted for an event.

Redkettle · 21/04/2023 09:30

westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:27

That's really helpful

Show quote history

To be fair that wasn't in reply to you but another poster xxxx

Wanderingowl · 21/04/2023 09:30

If you are organising family celebrations that some of your family can't afford, then change the type of celebrations you are having. Just have everyone around to one of your houses for cake or something.

NotHangingAround · 21/04/2023 09:31

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 07:54

Me too…I’m can’t imagine having one child excluded like this.

Show quote history

But he's still going out at weekends with mates. Maybe it's his tactful way of saying a kid step-sibling's birthday dinner isn't one of his priorities right now. Offering to bake a cake so he can look in at the weekend instead is fine.

Live and let live.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:31

@Tealsofa yes, as you'll see I'd already organised that.

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:31

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 21/04/2023 09:29

I wouldn't be paying for them. They are using their money for their preferred social time, that's their choice and not up to you to sub them.
Just brush it off saying ok no probs hopefully you can come next time.

This is what Dh has said. He says I'm over thinking it!!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/04/2023 09:32

OP,

The bill must run into the hundreds for food and drinks for 10 adults and the children.

I think it is not unreasonable to believe that is too much.

Including their partner is excessive too.

I think you should take the two youngest out for a meal and have cake and nibbles at home and invite them to call over.

Calling you mean is unkind.

Many people are finding the cost of living very expensive, and it is not unreasonable not to wish to pay a large unnecessary bill.

Twiglets1 · 21/04/2023 09:32

What you have suggested is fair. Sounds like they would prefer to spend their money on other things which is also fair. It will be a slippery slope if you start paying for meals out for some adult children but not others and could lead to resentment.

shiningstar2 · 21/04/2023 09:32

You are right ...it isn't easy. I will be going out for my birthday and will pay for all family members but things are getting more expensive now so on other occasions we go halves on bill which helps them as two of us and four of them. I do treat DD if we go out together. Usually meal or theatre. But that is different. 6 adults even at £25 a head is another £150 on the bill and it could be more. If you are moving from total paying could you do it gradually. Maybe offer to pay the first £10 for everybody. That way any extra ... deserts drinks ext is on them? That way young adults who may be struggling at the moment get same opportunity to be at siblings birthday but it isn't open ended. If they still don't want to come I think you may have to accept that your traditional way of doing things is going to tail off now.i think that is ok. On a tight budget young adults will come to child sibling event for a treat but will prioritize other things if they have to pay. 🤔

SchoolQuestionnaire · 21/04/2023 09:33

Redkettle · 21/04/2023 09:24

Well you could get them to bring their bank statements. Pour over what they are prioritising and then decide at end of meal whether they should get it paid for or not. Surely main thing is famiky are all together. Believe me you never know what's round the corner.

This.

I would pay on this occasion because I would want them to be there as part of a family celebration. To be honest I would pay as a matter of course but we can afford it. Families support each other when they need it, or just because they want to.

My own recently departed dm used to insist on treating the family for each of our birthdays. A couple of times we managed to sneak off and pay the bill (there are four of us, plus my dsis and her family and only one dm so it seemed so unfair) and she told us off as it was her treat. Last year on my birthday, our first proper return to normality after Covid, after a lovely dinner dh snuck off once again to secretly get the bill and was told that it was taken care of. My dm had called in ahead and told them in advance that it was her treat and the bill would be settled by her only so we couldn’t pay!! We are all relatively well off and she was a retired widow, but she wanted to treat her family. This is now a treasured memory for all of us.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 21/04/2023 09:33

Does your husband want to pay because he doesn't want her to miss out, or because he wants all the children together?

If it's the latter, I'd offer to pay for her, but not her partner. If she does the same thing next time, don't pay.

Paq · 21/04/2023 09:33

@Redkettle you only have a snapshot of OP's life
and this thread is about a specific situation. I'm sure, long term, golden family memories will survive one meal when one offspring can't afford to join in.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 21/04/2023 09:33

westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:21

So, yes all 5 children are Dh's.

I have considered knocking the meal thing on the head, but am reluctant for the younger children to miss out on something they (and I) enjoy when the older children have always had the chance to experience it.

I did suggest dh loan dsc the money without the others knowing, and he is pondering that. One of his ideas was we just go out as a 4 in future but I'm against that. We've always involved the older kids and I wouldn't want that to change, just don't want to be taken advantage of.

It's always quite a laid back affair, we never expect people to attend, it's not always all of us there...as I said it's who is free. There are times when even I've missed out because I've been visiting family.

It's become much more expensive because the older children drink. And they don't reel it in if we pay..... they'd order a 3 course and all the drinks!! (I mean would too! Grin)

Things are different at the moment though aren't they. Everyone is paying more for near enough everything, when our mortgage goes up soon, we won't be doing meals out very often either and I'll be grateful to anyone who takes it into account. I would have a more affordable celebration at home myself and explain to my child that things are very expensive right now and we're being considerate of that.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:34

shiningstar2 · 21/04/2023 09:32

You are right ...it isn't easy. I will be going out for my birthday and will pay for all family members but things are getting more expensive now so on other occasions we go halves on bill which helps them as two of us and four of them. I do treat DD if we go out together. Usually meal or theatre. But that is different. 6 adults even at £25 a head is another £150 on the bill and it could be more. If you are moving from total paying could you do it gradually. Maybe offer to pay the first £10 for everybody. That way any extra ... deserts drinks ext is on them? That way young adults who may be struggling at the moment get same opportunity to be at siblings birthday but it isn't open ended. If they still don't want to come I think you may have to accept that your traditional way of doing things is going to tail off now.i think that is ok. On a tight budget young adults will come to child sibling event for a treat but will prioritize other things if they have to pay. 🤔

Thank you for such lovely, measures advise xx

OP posts:
AlltheFs · 21/04/2023 09:34

It’s difficult if you can’t pay. My parents always pay, I have tried and tried to pay but they won’t have it and I’m 45, married with DC and decent income.

My brother and I were really pleased that we managed to pay for a pub meal once when my dad was in the loo. But he was unimpressed and the next day he paid the money into our accounts so we’ve given up trying. But they can afford it as they have big pensions, have inherited and my Dad was still working in to his 70’s through choice and earning 6 figures.

I would always want everyone there though and wouldn’t want money to be an issue. Different families have different dynamics though and obviously financial means.

We now host at home a lot which is our way of paying them back for their generosity- if there’s no bill he can’t pay it! Although even then at Christmas we get surprise bank payments to cover the meal….

rookiemere · 21/04/2023 09:34

I think you're right OP. If you pay for one adult DC, then you need to pay for all of them, and it sounds like they've not stinted themselves in the past when you have been picking up the tab with having desserts.

As long as you will take this approach when your own DC are adult, then your conscience is clear.