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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
NapoliTutti · 21/04/2023 09:03

I think you’re being very fair, they are prioritising their spending on other events, which they are allowed to do, even if its a tad selfish, and you’ve offered a good solution. Stick with that.

CraneBoysMysteries · 21/04/2023 09:03

Just to add a pov as a sibling. It was my DMs significant birthday last month. My brother has older kids out of expensive childcare. We have one at nursery and I'm on mat leave

We all went out for a meal. My DB insisted on paying for DM and DF as bday treat but we could only afford our food and drinks so literally paid for what we had and a small token present

DB was thrilled we were able to come and tried to pay for us too. Siblings with good relationships understand that sometimes people are up and down financially at different times and would never begrudge a bother or sister given help when they are struggling.

Long and short, if you can afford to pay for DSC and partner (or offer a loan) then I would and I would be surprised if siblings had an issue with it

YouveGotToGrooveIt · 21/04/2023 09:08

You’ve literally just made a load of imaginary stuff up and got wound up about it

GrinGrin

Ack, they're adults. This time they have said they can't come because they cannot afford it. Let that be the answer. To do anything else and try to 'fix it' is to treat them like a child who doesn't know their own finances or cannot organise their own life.

This is their decision, leave it be.

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 21/04/2023 09:12

Playing Devil’s advocate, what if OP agreed to pay for DSC1 and their partner, then DSC2 got wind of it, thought “why should I pay when DSC1 isn’t?” and announced that they couldn’t afford? Would you pay for DSC2 and their partner as well? And then DSC3 says the same?

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 21/04/2023 09:12

The birthday lands on the same date every year I'm.assuming
They must know this . It's cant be totally unexpected
I'd say no. I'm sure of they're going put regular at weekends like you say then the birthday pub thing is low priority

Redkettle · 21/04/2023 09:12

My brother is on benefits. Myself and my other brother always go halves for him when we go ot to meals. Look after each other

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2023 09:13

so yes there are people that skint, plenty of them

I didn’t say there weren’t. OP has specifically said these are adult DC who are still going out with their own mates at the weekend though.

Paq · 21/04/2023 09:14

Redkettle · 21/04/2023 09:12

My brother is on benefits. Myself and my other brother always go halves for him when we go ot to meals. Look after each other

(A) OP's step child is working, has disposable income and is not on benefits. (B) OP's step child has a partner who is also asking to be subbed.

It's a completely different situation.

Tealsofa · 21/04/2023 09:15

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:51

Thanks for the feedback, we Weil definitely we ensure the rule for all 5 children. I know the rule is different with their mum, who always pays for them but I'm sure they understand our situations are different.

I'm trying not to let how my dsc spends their money influence my decision, but I have noted they're still going out with friends and partner at weekend Confused

so they have prioritised their friends and partner who they may have agreed previously to go out with

Pay or dont pay - it doesnt sound like it happens a lot, I would probably give them enough to cover the meal (you havent said how much it is when this post was put up) and do this next time if one couldn't afford it)

Or switch to a cheaper night, and have a really nice takeaway which would be way cheaper, including drinks

whatever you do, dont make a big song and dance over it

KitKatLove · 21/04/2023 09:16

When we had my PIL golden wedding meal they wanted to pay for everyone but couldn’t afford to so they paid just for the main course and first drink and anything else was paid for by whoever ordered it. Everyone pre ordered food so knew exactly how much they owed beforehand and they paid for drinks as they ordered them or set up their own tab. Worked really well, there was about 15 people there.

Neandertallica · 21/04/2023 09:17

It was fun as long as it was free basically.

Blueblell · 21/04/2023 09:18

It would depend on whether they genuinely don’t have enough money or whether they just don’t want to spend it on that. If I knew they definitely didn’t have the money available and that the others are capable of paying, then I would quietly pay for the one child so that they could attend.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:18

KitKatLove · 21/04/2023 09:16

When we had my PIL golden wedding meal they wanted to pay for everyone but couldn’t afford to so they paid just for the main course and first drink and anything else was paid for by whoever ordered it. Everyone pre ordered food so knew exactly how much they owed beforehand and they paid for drinks as they ordered them or set up their own tab. Worked really well, there was about 15 people there.

I'm thinking maybe we offer to pay just for their food.

It's not easy!

OP posts:
Redkettle · 21/04/2023 09:20

Paq · 21/04/2023 09:14

(A) OP's step child is working, has disposable income and is not on benefits. (B) OP's step child has a partner who is also asking to be subbed.

It's a completely different situation.

Show quote history

Not really. If someone in a family can't afford to meet up either make different arrangements for everyone or everyone chip in.

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2023 09:21

Personally I would feel dreadful leaving one child out, so I would pay.

flutterbyebaby · 21/04/2023 09:21

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2023 09:21

Personally I would feel dreadful leaving one child out, so I would pay.

They are adults not children

Paq · 21/04/2023 09:22

There's a difference between genuinely not being able to afford something and prioritising your disposable income towards other things. Like OP's sc is doing.

Redkettle · 21/04/2023 09:24

Well you could get them to bring their bank statements. Pour over what they are prioritising and then decide at end of meal whether they should get it paid for or not. Surely main thing is famiky are all together. Believe me you never know what's round the corner.

Tracker1234 · 21/04/2023 09:24

We have this type of thing although its wider members of the family not step children. People look at us, both working, nice house and clearly think we can fund get togthers and they drink us under the table. A main course at a pub might well be £12 but there are going to be drinks, starters, puddings. Its amaxing what people want when others are paying.

And I honestly think a lot of people cannot budget. They are incapable of working out what needs to be paid first. I had a friend who used to work for a local authority helping people to budget when on benefits. Spending the rent money was the most common followed by defaulting on council tax but personal spend seemed to be the priority for a large % of people.

jputthekettleon · 21/04/2023 09:25

We pay for our step kids for meals (and partners) if we invite them out but stipulate they buy their own alcohol! Suddenly the bill is a lot more reasonable when they have to buy their own as they think twice about ordering tonnes of cocktails etc.

On a mega special occasion, for example my 40th we paid for everything alcohol included as we saved for it. One of the ‘kids’ earns double my salary (I’m p/t due to young children) and the other not far off that so I’m not paying for alcohol that I simply can’t afford.

We are all really close and I hope in the future when my budget is better I can treat all in, as for me as the ‘parents’ I always want to treat the kids even if they are mid 20s!

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:25

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2023 09:21

Personally I would feel dreadful leaving one child out, so I would pay.

We are considering this.
Would you pay for their partner too?

I'm leaning towards the idea of offering to pay for dsc food and asking them to fund their own drinks, but they've said their partner can't afford either

OP posts:
Naunet · 21/04/2023 09:25

Whenharrymetsmelly · 21/04/2023 08:20

I find these threads so depressing how cheap parents are towards their own children and stepchildren. No wonder young adults have so many issues now. I can't imagine ever letting someone miss out because they can't afford it. Oh well reap what you sow I guess, don't expect too much when you're old OP Hmm

Sounds like you’ll be raising spoilt, entitled kids then. These step kids are 24-28 for god sake, they’re not little children, they’re adults, and we’re talking about a pub meal. That’s not giving anyone “issues”, nor does it erase everything OP has done for her step kids - you’re being incredibly dramatic. I can’t imagine thinking that if I didn’t buy adult step children lunch, that means I don’t deserve care in old age 😂

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2023 09:26

It's so funny how people think it's okay that the younger ones can't afford to pay for themselves but the op should be able to pay for ten of them.

Zwicky · 21/04/2023 09:26

It’s not “cheap” to not buy 3 course meals plus drinks for your child and their Dp 7 times a year ffs. If the older child was arsed about their siblings birthday meal then they would come alone and only have one course and one drink and budget for that by spending less at the weekend outing. It’s cheap to bring a plus one and order 3 course and multiple drinks when your parents are paying. I’m on the bones of my arse and a couple of times have joined my friends for a coffee at the end of their meal out because I can’t afford the meal. Imagine if my bff had offered to treat me (she has but I’ve declined) and I took her up in it, ordered 3 courses and loads of drinks and brought DH too.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:26

I appreciate everyone's ideas of changing venues etc in future, obviously a moot point this week as all arranged

Trying to accommodate everyone is very hard and they'll always be someone who's not available/able.

OP posts: