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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 22/04/2023 21:39

It’s not £25 though is it? Have you been reading a different thread?! OP says they always bring their partner, they always have starters, multiple drinks & desserts each. That’s a LOT more than £25 🙄

JudgeRudy · 22/04/2023 21:40

SchoolTripDrama · 22/04/2023 21:28

When someone says they can't afford something they probably can, they'd just rather spend their limited 'spare' money on other stuff What a load of privileged nonsense, wow! You do realise there really are people out there with NOTHING, don’t you??? That have, through no fault of their own, found themselves suddenly with less coming in than is going out? Wow. I’ve heard it all now. I’m stunned

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You're ignoring a key word here...probably. I think most people PROBABLY could afford a family meal they knew was coming up if they really wanted to but it might make them skint. Of course I understand that there are some families that are really living hand to mouth, thats why I said at the end of my post if they are genuinely broke that's a different matter. No need to be 'stunned'.

Btw these are the views of someone far from (financially) privileged.

Sugarfree23 · 22/04/2023 21:50

Jam1235 · 22/04/2023 17:52

Personally, I would rather everyone be present so instead of going out for a family meal I would invite everyone round to celebrate.

But that means the LOs don't get to experience going out for a birthday dinner because Dad can't afford to include the older 3 and partners.

I actually don't have any reason not to do both, out to dinner for LO and cake at home that older siblings and granny etc can join in too.

SchoolTripDrama · 22/04/2023 22:03

@JudgeRudy The 'probably' not withstanding! To think that way is shocking. You say you're not financially privileged but to think that way, implies otherwise.

I lived on the streets at 16. Would go days without eating and felt wealthy if I ever found enough money on the ground for a packet of Asda smart price biscuits. The amount of WORKERS who would come and speak to me and would only have a couple of pounds to last them 3 weeks was shocking.
Later of course I would then experience this myself with rent to pay etc.
So yeah, it annoys me when people suggest that someone saying they can’t afford X, Y or Z is 'probably' lying.

Anyway, as for OP's predicament I'd say that it's understandable that the DSC would choose a fun night out with friends over a family meal out for a younger half-sibling's birthday, if they cannot afford to do both. What 20-something would choose a family meal over a night out?! I wouldn't hold it against them and just allow them to decide for themselves if they want to be there or not

Chickenkeev · 22/04/2023 23:48

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

JudgeRudy · 23/04/2023 00:02

SchoolTripDrama · 22/04/2023 22:03

@JudgeRudy The 'probably' not withstanding! To think that way is shocking. You say you're not financially privileged but to think that way, implies otherwise.

I lived on the streets at 16. Would go days without eating and felt wealthy if I ever found enough money on the ground for a packet of Asda smart price biscuits. The amount of WORKERS who would come and speak to me and would only have a couple of pounds to last them 3 weeks was shocking.
Later of course I would then experience this myself with rent to pay etc.
So yeah, it annoys me when people suggest that someone saying they can’t afford X, Y or Z is 'probably' lying.

Anyway, as for OP's predicament I'd say that it's understandable that the DSC would choose a fun night out with friends over a family meal out for a younger half-sibling's birthday, if they cannot afford to do both. What 20-something would choose a family meal over a night out?! I wouldn't hold it against them and just allow them to decide for themselves if they want to be there or not

You're inventing stuff to get annoyed at. I think you've totally misunderstood.

Im not privileged.....at all. I've spent the majority of my adult life poor. I know real poverty exists. I've not said it doesn't.

I've not said or implied anyone is lying, probably or otherwise. We all have different ideas of what broke means. To some it means no electricity or food till pay day, for others it's not being able to afford to go on a hen weekend in Barcelona. For most it's something in between. I'd guess that's where this couple is.

Totally agree with your last paragraph. I've not judged them. I'd do the same. The judgement would come if I paid and they could have paid themselves but elected to spend their money otherwise. If I was wealthy I wouldnt care so much. OP indicated they did not have a lot of 'spare' money. I've a friend who's always broke and cadges freebies off others. She's not 'broke', she just chooses to spend £600pcm on her pony. Another friend says they're broke but has moved to a lovely house (doer upper) that has 2 more bedrooms than 'required'. I've another friend who waits at the atm at a minute passed midnight to get her benefits. Sometimes she has no electricity. Shevreslly is broke but I don't help her out because she also smokes weed....No judgement, you do you but I'm not subsidising. I'm pretty sure that's how OP feels.

Liorae · 23/04/2023 01:48

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:16

I love treating my mum. It’s pretty selfish of you to deny your kids that opportunity to treat their mum.

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😄like that was going happen

Jellywellyfish · 23/04/2023 09:37

my Take would be keeping the family together. I’d probably dig deep to buy everyone’s meal on this occasion (as a one off and let everyone know that) otherwise I’d sack off the meal and do something special at home.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/04/2023 09:58

You've said they're still going out with friends - they're making a choice that if they're paying for a meal out (presumably £80 - £100 for a couple with drinks & 3 courses), their choice isn't to do that with a big family group, although they're happy to turn up if someone else is paying.
That's fair enough - and you've provided the cake alternative

Ooolaaaala · 23/04/2023 10:10

ThinWomansBrain · 23/04/2023 09:58

You've said they're still going out with friends - they're making a choice that if they're paying for a meal out (presumably £80 - £100 for a couple with drinks & 3 courses), their choice isn't to do that with a big family group, although they're happy to turn up if someone else is paying.
That's fair enough - and you've provided the cake alternative

This is the likely scenario.

Or they don’t want to spend that specific time with the family if they have a more interesting social opportunity.

Not sure how it’s appropriate or even possible to buy their time in this case.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 23/04/2023 10:23

I expect it's an excuse as they got other priorities.

Nanaof1 · 23/04/2023 13:00

MiddleParking · 21/04/2023 08:51

You’ve literally just made a load of imaginary stuff up and got wound up about it Confused

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Thank you. I was wondering what I had missed that made out a concerned Mom into Cinderella's step-mother.

OP--I still think it's time to have just the 4 of you go out to have a birthday dinner and then, the next day, have everyone over for pizza, cake, ice cream, presents and wine.
Your youngest two will not "be missing out" on anything if they don't have a large restaurant gathering for their birthday. I would think it's more important to just be able to get together in the spirit of love and celebration than it is to "show up" at a pub all together. I am betting all would appreciate the savings.
I would have the same celebration at your house for the older children too.

BasqueMass · 23/04/2023 13:33

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SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 23/04/2023 13:39

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What a shocking thing to write, that's not the case at all! I hope the op completely ignores your post.

ReadersD1gest · 23/04/2023 13:40

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Wow.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/04/2023 14:16

Liorae · 22/04/2023 20:14

So it is a one way street. You will probably come to regret that.

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@Daisiesandprimroses

i agree

why not let them treat you sometimes?!

Busylady1234 · 23/04/2023 16:51

I think you should pay. You are the one who wants to hold a celebratory meal at a restaurant. You can easily have a mini party for cheap at home. Or just drinks/tea and cake at home instead. Fraction of the price and stick family time. Nothing fancy. Kids are happy with just a cake and family time as long as they get a present, they don’t really care.

I’ve been at these parties where I can’t get out of it or cancel and we’re a family of 6. Really takes a hit on my purse and the next few weeks it’s a big financial struggle. I often think why the don’t just do it at home.

MeetMyCat · 23/04/2023 20:25

I’ve been at these parties where I can’t get out of it or cancel and we’re a family of 6. Really takes a hit on my purse and the next few weeks it’s a big financial struggle. I often think why the don’t just do it at home.

Maybe paying for everyone would be a hit on the OP’s purse too …

Sugarfree23 · 23/04/2023 20:37

Busylady1234 · 23/04/2023 16:51

I think you should pay. You are the one who wants to hold a celebratory meal at a restaurant. You can easily have a mini party for cheap at home. Or just drinks/tea and cake at home instead. Fraction of the price and stick family time. Nothing fancy. Kids are happy with just a cake and family time as long as they get a present, they don’t really care.

I’ve been at these parties where I can’t get out of it or cancel and we’re a family of 6. Really takes a hit on my purse and the next few weeks it’s a big financial struggle. I often think why the don’t just do it at home.

Maybe Op wants to eat out once in a while too.

Are you really saying she can't eat out with the young children who still live at home, they can only eat out once in a blue moon because it is a massive cost to include 3 adult kids and partners out.

ITryHarder · 23/04/2023 21:52

I like this word 'skint'. I never heard it before. Is it Ukrainian or European in general? I'm from the USA, which doesn't make me as proud as I once was, but such is life.

1offnamechange · 23/04/2023 22:10

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:08

Seriously? I’m cringing for you. Paying for one kid doesn’t mean you pay for ten. Calm yourself down now.

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It's not paying for one though is it? If you actually read the thread the DC that can't come made it very clear they expect OP to pay for their partner as well. And obviously OP and DH have to pay for themselves and the underage kids. So that's 6 out of 10 as a minimum. And yes, I would expect the other 4 to query it if their sibling in full time employment and their partner gets treated every time and they don't. Why wouldn't they? That's obvious favouritism. I did say it would be different if the sibling being treated had extenuating circumstances - still in uni or not working, but that's not the case.

It's easy to be Mrs Generous online and say "I can’t imagine having one child excluded like this." online, in reality I doubt you are spending £450 7 times a year on taking your whole family out for a meal.

Busylady1234 · 23/04/2023 22:59

@Sugarfree23 yes then that’s why I said to have a mini party day before the actual birthday or the day after to accommodate everyone. I am in exactly the the same dilemma, I’ve found this solution to work for me. Day before or after the birthday we have the guests over for either snacks and cake or dinner and cake and on the actual day we go out for a meal. Win win for me. Kids get double celebration too.

Sugarfree23 · 24/04/2023 00:04

@Busylady1234 you still go out for a meal does that include all the siblings / half siblings or not? And who pays?

AncaMi · 24/04/2023 11:06

I’d say you need to pay regardless. I’d not go to a birthday party where I need to scoop money out to be present. I think it’s rude to invite people to a party so they can pay for their share. I have been a single parent most of my life and struggled with money always, but I’d never invited anyone out unless if I paid, and I insisted on it. I paid for 4 theatre tickets for daughter and 3 friends last year after I lost my job twice, and it wasn’t even her birthday. She simply asked her friends out. I say you need to be kinder.

Sugarfree23 · 24/04/2023 11:54

@AncaMi
It's not the same situation at all. Normally when people are going to a concert or anything they pay their own tickets.

Op in the past has always taken the family out to dinner for birthdays.
It's not as cheap as it used to be.
Big family add in 3 partners, plus drinks. She can on longer afford it.

Options
Stop going for dinner but thats Unfair to say to the younger two - no we can't take you out because of money - but big brother got to for dinner when he was 10.

Tell the adults no we are just taking LOs.
Rude and will cause friction to tell the adults kids your no longer welcome (and that's clearly not the case).Huh we don't count any more ...

Compromise big kids, we are taking the little kids out for dinner you are more than welcome to join us but you'll need to pay your own way.
Or just come to the house when we get back for cake?