To not pay for family meal

[westenminster]

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

It's amazing that this is even an issue.

This is not a 'party' OP and husband are hosting and should be paying for. It's dinner out to celebrate a birthday. Come if you can... adults will pay for themselves and their families. There is no comparison to when the 3 older were younger. They were children, didn't have partners then, probably didn't order alcohol, and may have ordered a burger. In a few years when the younger are adults, they can pay their own way too.

OP's husband is creating the problem.

I think this is one of those threads where posters ought to have to say how old their own DCs are before giving advice 😂

All those people saying 'if you invite, you pay' or 'you have to pay for everyone' that often isn't how it works when you have 3 x twentysomethings all in full time work (ie post university) and all with partners they want to bring. I might pay for everyone if I was feeling flush, and on occasion I have, but it definitely isn't expected. All the parents I know who have DCs of that age approach this sort of situation exactly how @westenminster has done.

@thing47 I agree with you.

If it was just the 3 twentysomethings things would evolve naturally, sometimes they'd pay, sometimes Dad would pay.
Sometimes Dad and Stepmum might even go for dinner without ANY kids.

It's the awkward stage of 5 kids, paying for 2 kids but not the other 3. Even although they are at very different stages in life too.

Mayb they don’t actually want to go, so are using it as an excuse.