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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help me reply to this please

199 replies

jbeck · 20/04/2023 20:54

A bit of background. Ex husband and I have 3 children together. We are divorced and split over 10 years ago. He is now a millionaire and was able to advance his career in part due to me doing the lion's share of everything relating to the children. I work full-time but earn a fraction of what he does.
Ex husband cheated on me, hence the breakdown of our marriage. I was dignified throughout and always wanted to be friendly for the benefit of the children. He has always been very cold towards me and can barely look at me when we meet. We're civil but it's clear that he has absolutely no time for me as a person. Fine. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be to our children. Not perfect by any means, but I try to be present and good.
Unfortunately our middle daughter has developed a lot of school-based anxiety. I am liaising with school to develop strategies to help, but it's clear she needs some extra professional intervention. I have found a clinical psychologist for our daughter and have forwarded my ex the details. It's not cheap. But our daughter is at crisis point, and has been offered an appointment for this Sunday. Daughter will be with ex husband on Sunday, and I wanted to be sure it suited him before confirming the appointment.
This was his reply to my email:

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

No hello, no thanks for sorting the appointment, no warmth whatsoever. He clearly doesn't find the cold approach tedious after all these years. We hadn't discussed payment of the sessions, as I find communication with him so difficult. He can be challenging and very passive-aggressive. I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.
He wouldn't speak to a member of his workforce like that in an email, so why is it ok for the mother of his children Sad
How should I reply?

OP posts:
NalafromtheLionKing · 20/04/2023 20:56

Perhaps just don’t give him the satisfaction of replying.

itsnotyourfence · 20/04/2023 20:58

Well are you contributing?

Greentree1 · 20/04/2023 21:01

Say you are happy to pay in proportion to your income.

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:01

NalafromtheLionKing · 20/04/2023 20:56

Perhaps just don’t give him the satisfaction of replying.

Thanks but I'd rather get the situation sorted Smile

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 20/04/2023 21:01

In that situation I'd be grateful he wasn't being difficult about the appt and ignore the twat on the money issue!

Amadeaa · 20/04/2023 21:02

I would just keep it factual, everything else seems to be a waste of energy. ‘Appointment confirmed. I will contribute X’

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:02

itsnotyourfence · 20/04/2023 20:58

Well are you contributing?

It's his tone I objected to, not so much the assumption that I wasn't going to contribute! I have always contributed to things like this in the past.

OP posts:
KateyCuckoo · 20/04/2023 21:02

Thank you, would you be able to cover the fees please?

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:03

Greentree1 · 20/04/2023 21:01

Say you are happy to pay in proportion to your income.

Good idea, thanks.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 20/04/2023 21:03

Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing that he's succeeded in annoying you, seriously.

Just be business like.

spidereggs · 20/04/2023 21:03

I'm sorry for you op.

It's always difficult because we don't know what or how this has occurred.

Does he have reasonable contact? A good relationship with them? Does he pay child support? Does he give additional support?

I would keep it basic

Thank you for taking her, glad we are on same page this is required. Would you be able to cover it?

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:04

Amadeaa · 20/04/2023 21:02

I would just keep it factual, everything else seems to be a waste of energy. ‘Appointment confirmed. I will contribute X’

You're right. I have gotten better over the years, yet it sometimes feels like I'll never fully learn.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 20/04/2023 21:04

I would just reply calmly saying yes I will be contributing and say how much you are going to pay towards it. It’s good for him that he makes a lot of money but he’s probably wondering why he should pay for it all.
I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of arguing over his coldness.

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:05

KateyCuckoo · 20/04/2023 21:02

Thank you, would you be able to cover the fees please?

Thanks, but I'd struggle to give him the satisfaction of this.

OP posts:
ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 20/04/2023 21:05

It's tough parenting with someone like that, just take emotion and what you think he should be saying out of it, and reply in the same manner as him.

"I will pay X% of the fees for this, I'll transfer it on X date"

Drlovestrong · 20/04/2023 21:07

What an utter cunt. I'm sorry he happened to you.

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:07

Drlovestrong · 20/04/2023 21:07

What an utter cunt. I'm sorry he happened to you.

Why, thank you Grin

OP posts:
jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:08

Drlovestrong · 20/04/2023 21:07

What an utter cunt. I'm sorry he happened to you.

He has the edge over me in many ways, but I think I can trump him in emotional intelligence.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 20/04/2023 21:10

Well I’m petty & purely for his shorty tone, so I would reply with….

‘thank you & my contribution is that I’m the one supporting her with her anxiety every day. However, if you’re struggling, it’s can pay x amount’

Dotcheck · 20/04/2023 21:10

My ex used to do this- part of changing history in his head.

I vacillated between the factual approach and the passive aggressive’ Hi, how are you?’ etc . I too got tired of doing most of the parenting, him paying the least amount possible, and then treating me like shit.
I’m 90% sure he cheated.

I finally had to make a conscious effort to let go of my anger- it wasn’t doing me any favours.

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:11

StarDolphins · 20/04/2023 21:10

Well I’m petty & purely for his shorty tone, so I would reply with….

‘thank you & my contribution is that I’m the one supporting her with her anxiety every day. However, if you’re struggling, it’s can pay x amount’

Ooft, this makes me anxious just reading it. But I do love it so much!

OP posts:
Drlovestrong · 20/04/2023 21:11

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:08

He has the edge over me in many ways, but I think I can trump him in emotional intelligence.

I bet. I wish I could answer your question and give you the perfect reply; but I cannot. I am really angry on your behalf though! I would love to punch him AND give you a hug. have a goodnight Ms jbeck 😃

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:12

Dotcheck · 20/04/2023 21:10

My ex used to do this- part of changing history in his head.

I vacillated between the factual approach and the passive aggressive’ Hi, how are you?’ etc . I too got tired of doing most of the parenting, him paying the least amount possible, and then treating me like shit.
I’m 90% sure he cheated.

I finally had to make a conscious effort to let go of my anger- it wasn’t doing me any favours.

Thank you. Strangely though, I'm not angry. He is. I'm just a bit weary and sad.

OP posts:
creaamontop · 20/04/2023 21:15

I'd go with the happy to pay in proportion to my income response.

Though I'd really I'd want to say...Hey, since these problems stem from you betraying our family and shattering her faith in humanity, I think this is the least of you can do, you piece of pond scum.

Best to stick with the first one though.

StarDolphins · 20/04/2023 21:16

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:11

Ooft, this makes me anxious just reading it. But I do love it so much!

😃 I don’t mind a text squabble when rattled!

Ok, I would then just put ‘yes of course’ & don’t say how much but only offer what you can afford (after the appointment).

I hope your DD gets the help she needs.