Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me reply to this please

199 replies

jbeck · 20/04/2023 20:54

A bit of background. Ex husband and I have 3 children together. We are divorced and split over 10 years ago. He is now a millionaire and was able to advance his career in part due to me doing the lion's share of everything relating to the children. I work full-time but earn a fraction of what he does.
Ex husband cheated on me, hence the breakdown of our marriage. I was dignified throughout and always wanted to be friendly for the benefit of the children. He has always been very cold towards me and can barely look at me when we meet. We're civil but it's clear that he has absolutely no time for me as a person. Fine. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be to our children. Not perfect by any means, but I try to be present and good.
Unfortunately our middle daughter has developed a lot of school-based anxiety. I am liaising with school to develop strategies to help, but it's clear she needs some extra professional intervention. I have found a clinical psychologist for our daughter and have forwarded my ex the details. It's not cheap. But our daughter is at crisis point, and has been offered an appointment for this Sunday. Daughter will be with ex husband on Sunday, and I wanted to be sure it suited him before confirming the appointment.
This was his reply to my email:

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

No hello, no thanks for sorting the appointment, no warmth whatsoever. He clearly doesn't find the cold approach tedious after all these years. We hadn't discussed payment of the sessions, as I find communication with him so difficult. He can be challenging and very passive-aggressive. I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.
He wouldn't speak to a member of his workforce like that in an email, so why is it ok for the mother of his children Sad
How should I reply?

OP posts:
PippaF2 · 20/04/2023 21:59

OP do not write more back than the length of his sentence to you.

Play it that way every single time. You reply under his word count.

All of these responses are way OTT. I learnt that from a boss - if someone sends you a sentence don't send a paragraph back. If he wanted a discussion he would have approached it differently. Think about it....he doesn't, that's why he phrased it like that.

If you want to make a contribution, just pick your figure and reply.

Confirmed and £50 myside.

muppy · 20/04/2023 21:59

Sorry the breaks (not pedals!) on my career, lol sleepy. (Also I think each session was 50 mins and timed to the minute!)

itsyourletters · 20/04/2023 22:00

I think if you forwarded him all of the details but omitted to mention anything about cost at all, or how to pay, and also hope that he would foot the bill - which you admit to be the case - then his response is completely proportionate.

NemoandDoris · 20/04/2023 22:01

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

I would reply:
That is correct. I have been liaising with the school to help our daughter and found this clinical psychologist to treat her. All you have to do is pay for the sessions, that is your contribution.

IKnowItsNotMine · 20/04/2023 22:03

Sounds like a right tit, thank god he’s an ex otherwise I’d be getting my LTB flag out.

PP nailed it ‘Appointment confirmed. I will contribute’ 👍🏻

ArseMenagerie · 20/04/2023 22:03

Just reply: U OK?

fruitbrewhaha · 20/04/2023 22:04

Confirmed and correct.

Unless the therapist states that her anxiety is a result of something I’ve done.

ReUseRepeat · 20/04/2023 22:05

I think it's a bit sad that a father who is a millionaire is being passive aggressive and point scoring over paying for his daughter's medical needs, at a moment where she is at "crisis point". You've done all the hard work sourcing this help and he is taking her, he should just pay for it and not be preoccupied with squeezing a contribution from you and twisting the knife.

I think the suggestion of relative to income reply is the best one. He sounds so petty.

ShandaLear · 20/04/2023 22:06

Appointment confirmed. Sorry to hear you are short of funds. Happy to contribute. Just let me know how much you need.

CountessWindyBottom · 20/04/2023 22:10

Hi X (wanker),
Good that Sunday suits. I'm sure that you can appreciate I am under significant financial strain with raising three children.. Would you like the psychiatrist's details so you can arrange payment directly?

Theunamedcat · 20/04/2023 22:12

I would just reply

Correct

PotatoSoufle · 20/04/2023 22:12

“I have paid a deposit to the psychologist. You will need to pay the remaining balance when you take her to the appointment.”

Call the psychologist and see if you can pay a partial amount in advance. Don’t bother telling the ex how much, he can just pay the remainder.

SergeiL · 20/04/2023 22:15

I would say.

phew - glad that slot works for you - so worried about her. I will ping some money across.

be the bigger person and note that priority is her.

muppy · 20/04/2023 22:15

If you want him to pay all or as much of it as possible, maybe you can say something like "if you're not able to cover the fees, I'll look into other sources of funding"

muppy · 20/04/2023 22:15

As in just reply with that and say nothing else

ejbaxa · 20/04/2023 22:16

I have contributed by finding the psychologist, arranging the appointment and continually liaising with the school over X’s anxiety and helping her every single day. I had hoped that you would be able to cover the cost of the appointment - if you are not able to do this, please let me know.

Walkaround · 20/04/2023 22:17

It would be out of character for me not to make a contribution, as you know by now. I thought £x would be a fair proportion, relative to our financial situations.

doverdiva · 20/04/2023 22:18

A financial contribution? I thought you might cover that as I've been contributing through all the meetings with school and finding a professional who can help. If you don't think that's fair let me know and I will transfer you some money.

Nomad12 · 20/04/2023 22:19

StarDolphins · 20/04/2023 21:10

Well I’m petty & purely for his shorty tone, so I would reply with….

‘thank you & my contribution is that I’m the one supporting her with her anxiety every day. However, if you’re struggling, it’s can pay x amount’

Love love love 👏🏼

Drfosters · 20/04/2023 22:19

I’d say ‘I was planning to, but lovely of you to cover all of it. Thank you for offering. It is such a weight off my mind’.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 20/04/2023 22:20

secretskillrelationships · 20/04/2023 21:51

I’d be tempted to reply, oh thanks, that’s very generous and ignore the question mark!

OP please do this.

Twillow · 20/04/2023 22:23

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 20/04/2023 22:20

OP please do this.

Show quote history

yes this is perfect

Nomad12 · 20/04/2023 22:24

Me exh texts exactly like this re our DC, and I can't say I care much.
It may come from making you out to be "the bad guy" to assuage his sense of guilt.

XelaM · 20/04/2023 22:25

jbeck · 20/04/2023 20:54

A bit of background. Ex husband and I have 3 children together. We are divorced and split over 10 years ago. He is now a millionaire and was able to advance his career in part due to me doing the lion's share of everything relating to the children. I work full-time but earn a fraction of what he does.
Ex husband cheated on me, hence the breakdown of our marriage. I was dignified throughout and always wanted to be friendly for the benefit of the children. He has always been very cold towards me and can barely look at me when we meet. We're civil but it's clear that he has absolutely no time for me as a person. Fine. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be to our children. Not perfect by any means, but I try to be present and good.
Unfortunately our middle daughter has developed a lot of school-based anxiety. I am liaising with school to develop strategies to help, but it's clear she needs some extra professional intervention. I have found a clinical psychologist for our daughter and have forwarded my ex the details. It's not cheap. But our daughter is at crisis point, and has been offered an appointment for this Sunday. Daughter will be with ex husband on Sunday, and I wanted to be sure it suited him before confirming the appointment.
This was his reply to my email:

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

No hello, no thanks for sorting the appointment, no warmth whatsoever. He clearly doesn't find the cold approach tedious after all these years. We hadn't discussed payment of the sessions, as I find communication with him so difficult. He can be challenging and very passive-aggressive. I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.
He wouldn't speak to a member of his workforce like that in an email, so why is it ok for the mother of his children Sad
How should I reply?

Tell him to read up on the Elizabeth Broderick case and be nicer to you... 😂

CleaningOutMyCloset · 20/04/2023 22:25

My response would be 👍

Swipe left for the next trending thread