Help me reply to this please

[jbeck]

A bit of background. Ex husband and I have 3 children together. We are divorced and split over 10 years ago. He is now a millionaire and was able to advance his career in part due to me doing the lion's share of everything relating to the children. I work full-time but earn a fraction of what he does.
Ex husband cheated on me, hence the breakdown of our marriage. I was dignified throughout and always wanted to be friendly for the benefit of the children. He has always been very cold towards me and can barely look at me when we meet. We're civil but it's clear that he has absolutely no time for me as a person. Fine. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be to our children. Not perfect by any means, but I try to be present and good.
Unfortunately our middle daughter has developed a lot of school-based anxiety. I am liaising with school to develop strategies to help, but it's clear she needs some extra professional intervention. I have found a clinical psychologist for our daughter and have forwarded my ex the details. It's not cheap. But our daughter is at crisis point, and has been offered an appointment for this Sunday. Daughter will be with ex husband on Sunday, and I wanted to be sure it suited him before confirming the appointment.
This was his reply to my email:

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

No hello, no thanks for sorting the appointment, no warmth whatsoever. He clearly doesn't find the cold approach tedious after all these years. We hadn't discussed payment of the sessions, as I find communication with him so difficult. He can be challenging and very passive-aggressive. I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.
He wouldn't speak to a member of his workforce like that in an email, so why is it ok for the mother of his children
How should I reply?

I put earn my ex by a magnitude of about 3 or 4. I never got a penny of maintenance.

No one gets to decide what I spend my money on except me.

If my ex signed the kids up for something on my time that he expected me to fund in the most part, I'd be unhappy.

I would expect a discussion before the therapy was agreed to - it's every Sunday at 3 (or whatever) and it's £130 a week. Are you ok with that and how do you want to split the cost?

I still think there's a chance he'll argue you should be paying half but well done for going back to him calmly

Well, it's a good thing the OP checked with her husband before confirming the appointment then, as she says in her first post

She didn't check with him re the cost.

Sorry but if I was a millionaire I would want to pay every penny and get the best care for my child. What kind of parent wouldn't ??

I wouldn't care if I had to pay everything to make it happen.

You've really, really hammered home your point. That's not a dig. Your points are valid. But there's nothing more I can say to you really

Also for those saying "sign them up for" ... It's not some hobby club it's a medical appointment that needed to happen and you were lucky enough to get one soon!

Should he just not have to deal with ANY of the general crap that is parenting???

I was answering a previous poster.

:)

I do get that you feel differently. I'm coming from the position of being the RP AND having an ex who did this sort of thing on a regular basis and I had to, in the end, say no. No more. Unless you properly discuss with me first I'm not paying for stuff you organise.

I'm struggling to see your POV. You're the RP but your stance reminds me of how an NRP (usually male) might think anxiety treatment for their child is as optional as a Disneyland trip or Tibetan singing bowls workshop. And that the mother is just frivolously squandering money for the sake of it.

But I mean, it's a medically necessary appointment for someone at crisis point, made at relatively short notice because spaces are filled and anxiety doesn't give you a kind heads up ages in advance.

She forwarded him the details (presumably including the cost though didn't discuss split - which ended up 60/40 anyway so quite fair), and asked if he was okay with it. If he didn't want to fund it, he genuinely could've just said no as she was waiting for his okay before confirming the appointment.

Honestly, there are probably few other alternatives though... Not by virtue of any trickery OP is doing (which you seem to be implying), but something any parent (divorced father or divorced mother) who gives a shit about their child would see.

Because her father not only doesnt want to pay a fair proportion, but also didnt take her to the GP and arrange help for her medical needs himself.

@shintyminty you're coming across as incredibly selfish. Imagine not wanting to fund your child’s medical needs when you have the funds to do so.

Yeah I find it weird how the mother is demonised for being the one to research anxiety intervention options for her child. He could've done that as well

How am I coming across as selfish? I took my kids to every medical appointment they ever needed. He never took them to one. I paid for every pair of glasses, orthotics and whatever other medical and other sundries they ever needed. He never paid a penny piece.

I just got fed up with him organising things and presenting me with "they need to go to the optician. It's booked for Tuesday at 3." No consultation as to how they were to get there or who was paying for it (as an example).

And in the end, I said - I'm not paying for things unless you have a discussion with me first. And it has to be a genuine discussion where I have the option to say no that doesn't suit me.

Again, I was the RP he had EOW and one evening a week. And he paid no maintenance.

Imagine not wanting to fund your child’s medical needs when you have the funds to do so.

Yep, I mean he could probably even pay for her to have some inpatient treatment if that's what she needed.

Well, that's your life with your uninvolved ex isn't it, which sounds markedly different from OP's situation where she's the involved parent?

The thing about it having to be a genuine discussion – I think the thing is, any parents who cared about their children would realise they don't actually have an option when it comes to psychiatric intervention. Not because of OP, but simply because a mental health crisis isn't like a pair of spectacles.

It's very strange to demonise the mother for caring enough to research help. Anyway, if he refused to pay, I'm sure OP would have sucked up the full cost somehow as she sees it's not optional.

But when you say "signed the kids up for something on my time" it sounds like we're talking about horse-riding lessons or something! Their DD is experiencing a Mental Health crisis that is impacting her education. Who cares if its on 'his' time? She needs help, the important thing is she gets it.

I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest I'm wondering if there's more to this. Do you often expect him to pay or to pay more than you? When you were together that makes sense but you aren't now so maybe he thinks he shouldn't be paying more than you (eg. For school trips etc) the maintenance sure but my DH and his ex split school trips evenly now enough time has passed for her to sort out her own job etc.

He hasn't objected to the appointment though he just sounds like he wants clarification on who is paying

To be fair. He has her EOW. He might be financially contributing paying maintenance but OP's said this is a drop in the ocean for him and OP's doing all the legwork.

So, while I agree on the 50/50 thing, I understand OP hoping he'd just do this for his DD without thinking about it financially.

Well done OP. He dounds like a prize idiot and I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

I feel like £50 is too much and not fair proportionally. I'd say £30 would be fairer?

So the answer is "yes, 50%" then.

You dont book something on someone else's contact time and tell them they are paying for it. Even if he has a mansion. Even if a decent dad would want the best for his kid. You cant spend his money for him. Even expecting 50% without discussing and agreeing it first is not ok. However unfair it feels.

WTF wouldn't he pay?? He has the means and it's his behaviour that has the OP in the situation she is in - and he has probably contributed to his child's mental ill health!!

@jbeck literally every post you've written could have been me.
I have 2 children with disabilities. ExDH earns 25 x more than me. Other than the minimum CSM he contributes, he expects everything over and above to be 50/50. Several PP on here think that is reasonable. I simply can't afford many of the interventions (psychological for one, medical for the other) that would help enormously and would hope that he'd care enough to just pay, as he can easily afford it. But sadly no. Too busy trying to force 'fair' contribution from me even though I am the resident parent, can't work long hours in order to care for them and earn a pittance against his high 6 figure salary. So so sad for the kids.

Why should he pay more than OP though. They aren't together anymore. So why shouldn't it be 50/50.

@moonspiral because he probably works more than her and sees the daughter less.