Help me reply to this please

[jbeck]

A bit of background. Ex husband and I have 3 children together. We are divorced and split over 10 years ago. He is now a millionaire and was able to advance his career in part due to me doing the lion's share of everything relating to the children. I work full-time but earn a fraction of what he does.
Ex husband cheated on me, hence the breakdown of our marriage. I was dignified throughout and always wanted to be friendly for the benefit of the children. He has always been very cold towards me and can barely look at me when we meet. We're civil but it's clear that he has absolutely no time for me as a person. Fine. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be to our children. Not perfect by any means, but I try to be present and good.
Unfortunately our middle daughter has developed a lot of school-based anxiety. I am liaising with school to develop strategies to help, but it's clear she needs some extra professional intervention. I have found a clinical psychologist for our daughter and have forwarded my ex the details. It's not cheap. But our daughter is at crisis point, and has been offered an appointment for this Sunday. Daughter will be with ex husband on Sunday, and I wanted to be sure it suited him before confirming the appointment.
This was his reply to my email:

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

No hello, no thanks for sorting the appointment, no warmth whatsoever. He clearly doesn't find the cold approach tedious after all these years. We hadn't discussed payment of the sessions, as I find communication with him so difficult. He can be challenging and very passive-aggressive. I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.
He wouldn't speak to a member of his workforce like that in an email, so why is it ok for the mother of his children
How should I reply?

What an insufferable cockwomble.

I’d stick to a businesslike ‘Thanks, I can confirm that’s booked. I’ll be contributing x%. By the way, she’s doing a little better this week but still struggling, thanks for asking.’

She’s his daughter, and she’s unhappy. He clearly had an empathy lobotomy at some point.

This is the winner. It really riles me!

I get you are upset, but he is just being business like. He isn't disputing the need for counselling and he hasnt ignored you or ranted, he is just asking what you'll contribute. I honestly think it could be a lot worse!

My ex is same and similar circumstances—I did nothing, but he is angry and rude.
it took my a long time, but give him no satisfaction. A my lawyer recommended that’s responses always be shorter than his.
so I would write: appointment confirmed. Will contribute proportionately.

or
appointment confirmed. And ignore the money

its a variation on grey rock and it is the only way with this kind of jerk.

Tell him that 'to be clear', you have done a huge amount of work already with supporting the children and working with the school and finding therapists etc, but you thought he could at least throw some money at the situation and pay for her therapy, but if hes watching the pennies, then you will scrap that idea.

I’d just reply

“Thanks”

It doesn’t really respond to the issue of payment and leaves it cold and unhelpful. Much like his comment

I agree. Reply as he does. Totally pared down like bullet points but without the dots. Factual info and no emotion.

I hope the therapist really helps your DD and sorry you are dealing with someone so emotionally stunted. You sound a great mum.

If he's earning squillions, why atr you contributing financially... Youre doing lion's share of most stuff... Can't he pay for these sessions?

What an absolute bell end. Sorry your daughter is going through this OP.
I know what id respond but im a gobshite!.
I would just put - something like 'of course, my daughters mental health is of paramount importance, whatever it costs'.
Good luck

Just reply ‘thanks’.

My reply would be along the lines of " we haven't raised the matter of financing our daughters treatment however since this has now been raised I would recommend that a fair outcome for all would be contribution proportionate to our relative earnings, if you are in agreements we can liaise to cover off any necessary transactions following receipt of the invoice, please let me know how you wish to progress"

I used to play a game with my ex, to respond in as few words as possible. You'll be amazed at the amount of emails and texts you can respond to with just 'K'

I'm not sure what he's asking as he's being really PA. But I'd take it as it's written. He's confirming that you aren't going to pay. So my response would be 'correct' and that's it? One word only. Ex bingo completed and responded to in one word.

”happy to contribute, what’s your suggestion?”

is what I’d write if a colleague sent me a twattish email like that.

Reply "I can contribute £X towards the sessions. If you are unable to fund the rest please cancel the appointment. Let me know what you are willing to contribute and I will research other psychologists to help dd."
That should piss him off 😉

You,day,you were hoping,he would pay but then don't,like to,'give the satisfaction" qhne it's offered as a possibility.
It sounds strange not to,have sorted or discussed therapy ans costs with him before booking ,an appt ..,tbh,I'd be annoyed if I was the other parent in this situation.

So I'd probabky ask him if he could afford to pay for it, and apologise for not checking that out further.

I doubt he has the edge over you in any way at all.

Since he is such a horrible c8nt - this, "correct".

Maybe just reply “I’m pleased that’s clear”

He might literally just have been clarifying? I think men wrote a lot of emails like this at work and not all are meant to be rude, just no fluffy stuff

why give so much energy to the “tone”? You’ve been apart 10 years, so is this upset response something new? Do you feel the need for some emotion from him as “the mother of his children”?

Send him a ""

I would just say you can't afford it @jbeck . He can't argue with that.

'I don't have a particularly high salary and I can't afford it on top of the school fees etc. But I support DD with her anxiety every day and liase with professionals. She does need this therapy, so it'd be great if you could provide this help for her, as I do with her everyday experiences.

Thanks again,
JB.'

He’s angry that you left him isn’t he, despite cheating. And maybe doesn’t like the ego dent of being a cheat, being caught doing something wrong.

So I'd probabky ask him if he could afford to pay for it

@Toohardtofindaproperusername He's a millionaire, of course he can afford it. I had therapy for years (including seeing psychologists and consultants) and paid for it out of my PIP.