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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help me reply to this please

199 replies

jbeck · 20/04/2023 20:54

A bit of background. Ex husband and I have 3 children together. We are divorced and split over 10 years ago. He is now a millionaire and was able to advance his career in part due to me doing the lion's share of everything relating to the children. I work full-time but earn a fraction of what he does.
Ex husband cheated on me, hence the breakdown of our marriage. I was dignified throughout and always wanted to be friendly for the benefit of the children. He has always been very cold towards me and can barely look at me when we meet. We're civil but it's clear that he has absolutely no time for me as a person. Fine. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be to our children. Not perfect by any means, but I try to be present and good.
Unfortunately our middle daughter has developed a lot of school-based anxiety. I am liaising with school to develop strategies to help, but it's clear she needs some extra professional intervention. I have found a clinical psychologist for our daughter and have forwarded my ex the details. It's not cheap. But our daughter is at crisis point, and has been offered an appointment for this Sunday. Daughter will be with ex husband on Sunday, and I wanted to be sure it suited him before confirming the appointment.
This was his reply to my email:

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

No hello, no thanks for sorting the appointment, no warmth whatsoever. He clearly doesn't find the cold approach tedious after all these years. We hadn't discussed payment of the sessions, as I find communication with him so difficult. He can be challenging and very passive-aggressive. I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.
He wouldn't speak to a member of his workforce like that in an email, so why is it ok for the mother of his children Sad
How should I reply?

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 21/04/2023 16:39

If you hoped he’d pay but didn’t mention the money aspect beforehand, he probably found your message a bit tiresome. You’ve arranged something on his time with your daughter and then been a bit disingenuous about payment, I’d want clarity too if I was him.

There was no reason not to clarify to him what you expected about payment in your original message - either it’s covered by your maintenance arrangements hence he pays, or it’s not and you need to agree between yourselves.

CheersForThatEh · 21/04/2023 16:43

I'd either say "yes, 50%" or "call me to discuss"

Original poster
jbeck · 21/04/2023 16:44

Hi everyone. Just to clarify, my ex knew that I was seeking professional help for our daughter. This isn't something I would have sprung on him. Communication with him is now rare but very, very cold. It is clear he looks down on me. Some of you have made the point that I should have raised the cost with him earlier. This is fair enough. And if we had a good co-parenting relationship then I'm almost certain that I would have done.
I have finally replied with the following in bold. I tried to keep the word count low as advised Grin It really is just a mix of what many of you have suggested. Thanks again for your help.

Appointment confirmed. Will contribute proportionately. Please make the payment to the clinic and I will transfer to you directly.

I have decided that my contribution will be £50 weekly. The total cost is £130, so I feel this is fair.
One poster made the point that it would be more expensive on a Sunday. Not true. It's open 7 days and the Sunday is what was offered, not requested.

OP posts:
Original poster
jbeck · 21/04/2023 16:46

CheersForThatEh · 21/04/2023 16:43

I'd either say "yes, 50%" or "call me to discuss"

We never talk on the phone. Communication only when necessary has kept me sane over the years. The children are old enough to have their own phones anyway, and can contact him directly.

OP posts:
moonspiral · 21/04/2023 16:47

jbeck · 21/04/2023 16:44

Hi everyone. Just to clarify, my ex knew that I was seeking professional help for our daughter. This isn't something I would have sprung on him. Communication with him is now rare but very, very cold. It is clear he looks down on me. Some of you have made the point that I should have raised the cost with him earlier. This is fair enough. And if we had a good co-parenting relationship then I'm almost certain that I would have done.
I have finally replied with the following in bold. I tried to keep the word count low as advised Grin It really is just a mix of what many of you have suggested. Thanks again for your help.

Appointment confirmed. Will contribute proportionately. Please make the payment to the clinic and I will transfer to you directly.

I have decided that my contribution will be £50 weekly. The total cost is £130, so I feel this is fair.
One poster made the point that it would be more expensive on a Sunday. Not true. It's open 7 days and the Sunday is what was offered, not requested.

What is that proportionately of? Because you're both her parent so he's going to argue 50/50 surely

Original poster
jbeck · 21/04/2023 16:49

Proportionately of means. And we're not 50/50. He has our children every second weekend.

OP posts:
cantelouper · 21/04/2023 16:50

Short and factual is the only way.
He will always come back with another question

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 16:55

No harm but you're taking the P telling him to pay more.

You didn't discuss. You didn't ask him if it was ok for you to pay x and he pay y. You just said you will pay x amount.

I'd be raging if you did that on me.

Original poster
jbeck · 21/04/2023 16:57

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 16:55

No harm but you're taking the P telling him to pay more.

You didn't discuss. You didn't ask him if it was ok for you to pay x and he pay y. You just said you will pay x amount.

I'd be raging if you did that on me.

And he didn't discuss with me. Works both ways.

OP posts:
CantGetDecentNickname · 21/04/2023 17:03

Gillbil · 20/04/2023 21:48

Play ignorant of his reference about the money, and remind him of real contribution, researching, finding and contacting people who can help your child.

you should reply:

I'm failing to see what you have contributed so far....
Are you informing me you've reseached and found another clinical psychologist for our daughter's anxiety issues? And want to compare them?
If so, please forward me their information, that would be most helpful, thank you exh.
Kindest regards
Jbeck

Show quote history

I'd send him the above reply first and then when he has responded, send a mix of other PPs' responses “I plan to make a proportionate contribution as I’d already assumed that you would be reluctant to pay for the psychologist. This will be in addition to my existing contributions in the daily support I give her, the time I spend working with school on developing a care plan and of course researching and organising this appointment”

He is a real piece of work. Can't just be concerned for his DD's welfare and want the best for her, but tries to use it as a means to have a dig at you. Sad excuse for a parent.

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 17:04

Except that you're the one taking the lead on organising it.

Original poster
jbeck · 21/04/2023 17:05

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 17:04

Except that you're the one taking the lead on organising it.

Well, somebody had to.

OP posts:
shintyminty · 21/04/2023 17:07

Absolutely. And I get why youre pissed off that he's not doing his share.

But this incident on its own, you're not being fair. You've presented him with a complete fait accompli and expecting him to facilitate it and pay for most of it at very short notice. And that's not fair.

PippaF2 · 21/04/2023 17:07

Well done OP. Great response!

CantGetDecentNickname · 21/04/2023 17:08

Cross-post sorry, didn't see you had responded already.

Good that you kept it short. If he comes back, remind him that he is contributing proportionally the lower share on the daily support she needs.

neverbeenskiing · 21/04/2023 17:10

I'd be raging if you did that on me.

If you were a millionaire and your ex earned a fraction of what you earn, you'd be "raging" that they expected you to pay a higher proportion of their child's medical expenses?

DRS1970 · 21/04/2023 17:10

I would just say thanks!

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 17:11

neverbeenskiing · 21/04/2023 17:10

I'd be raging if you did that on me.

If you were a millionaire and your ex earned a fraction of what you earn, you'd be "raging" that they expected you to pay a higher proportion of their child's medical expenses?

I'd be raging at being presented with a fait accompli at short notice and that I was being told how much to pay.

My ex does not get to TELL me what I do on my time (or didn't - my kids are adults now) and he certainly doesn't get to tell me what proportion of expenses he has decided on I'm paying.

Original poster
jbeck · 21/04/2023 17:12

neverbeenskiing · 21/04/2023 17:10

I'd be raging if you did that on me.

If you were a millionaire and your ex earned a fraction of what you earn, you'd be "raging" that they expected you to pay a higher proportion of their child's medical expenses?

I mean, I work with disadvantaged kids every day. I work bloody hard but honestly, it pays PEANUTS in relation to what he earns. Money is no issue to him whatsoever.
I know some will argue that's not the point, but actually, it partly is.

OP posts:
shintyminty · 21/04/2023 17:13

It really isn't the point.

Original poster
jbeck · 21/04/2023 17:15

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 17:13

It really isn't the point.

Ok, well I'm happy to leave it there.

OP posts:
Original poster
jbeck · 21/04/2023 17:17

PippaF2 · 21/04/2023 17:07

Well done OP. Great response!

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
muppy · 21/04/2023 17:27

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 17:04

Except that you're the one taking the lead on organising it.

I agree with you. How utterly selfish of his blood daughter to have anxiety issues that might cost him a tiny fraction of his fortune. Stupid selfish child. Stupid mother for wanting to intervene in the daughter's well-being before it's too late.

The poor, poor innocent man – how would he ever have known his sperm would grow into a live human being who might need medical attention and financial contribution one day? How would he have known he couldn't just walk off into the sunset happily after cheating? Why won't his pesky children and their mother just leave him in peace?

muppy · 21/04/2023 17:28

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 17:11

I'd be raging at being presented with a fait accompli at short notice and that I was being told how much to pay.

My ex does not get to TELL me what I do on my time (or didn't - my kids are adults now) and he certainly doesn't get to tell me what proportion of expenses he has decided on I'm paying.

Show quote history

It seems quite unlikely that your ex (a male) slowed down his career massively to raise your children and allow you to advance your income considerably though.

PaigeMatthews · 21/04/2023 17:30

muppy · 21/04/2023 17:27

I agree with you. How utterly selfish of his blood daughter to have anxiety issues that might cost him a tiny fraction of his fortune. Stupid selfish child. Stupid mother for wanting to intervene in the daughter's well-being before it's too late.

The poor, poor innocent man – how would he ever have known his sperm would grow into a live human being who might need medical attention and financial contribution one day? How would he have known he couldn't just walk off into the sunset happily after cheating? Why won't his pesky children and their mother just leave him in peace?

Show quote history

He was clearly tricked

🙄

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