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Original poster

Help me reply to this please

199 replies

jbeck · 20/04/2023 20:54

A bit of background. Ex husband and I have 3 children together. We are divorced and split over 10 years ago. He is now a millionaire and was able to advance his career in part due to me doing the lion's share of everything relating to the children. I work full-time but earn a fraction of what he does.
Ex husband cheated on me, hence the breakdown of our marriage. I was dignified throughout and always wanted to be friendly for the benefit of the children. He has always been very cold towards me and can barely look at me when we meet. We're civil but it's clear that he has absolutely no time for me as a person. Fine. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be to our children. Not perfect by any means, but I try to be present and good.
Unfortunately our middle daughter has developed a lot of school-based anxiety. I am liaising with school to develop strategies to help, but it's clear she needs some extra professional intervention. I have found a clinical psychologist for our daughter and have forwarded my ex the details. It's not cheap. But our daughter is at crisis point, and has been offered an appointment for this Sunday. Daughter will be with ex husband on Sunday, and I wanted to be sure it suited him before confirming the appointment.
This was his reply to my email:

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

No hello, no thanks for sorting the appointment, no warmth whatsoever. He clearly doesn't find the cold approach tedious after all these years. We hadn't discussed payment of the sessions, as I find communication with him so difficult. He can be challenging and very passive-aggressive. I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.
He wouldn't speak to a member of his workforce like that in an email, so why is it ok for the mother of his children Sad
How should I reply?

OP posts:
HyacinthBookay · 20/04/2023 23:01

I actually gasped when you quoted his email. What a cunt. You are so lucky that the marriage broke down.

Moveoverdarlin · 20/04/2023 23:02

I would say ‘great thanks. I’ve booked that in. Happy to go halves, I know it’s expensive, sorry, but I’m hoping DD will really benefit from it. That sound fair?’

He sounds like a prick. Don’t let him have one over you by paying for it.

HyacinthBookay · 20/04/2023 23:02

InSpainTheRain · 20/04/2023 22:33

I get you are upset, but he is just being business like. He isn't disputing the need for counselling and he hasnt ignored you or ranted, he is just asking what you'll contribute. I honestly think it could be a lot worse!

Really?

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 20/04/2023 23:05

OldFan · 20/04/2023 23:01

So I'd probabky ask him if he could afford to pay for it

@Toohardtofindaproperusername He's a millionaire, of course he can afford it. I had therapy for years (including seeing psychologists and consultants) and paid for it out of my PIP.

Yes I know. I'm just suggesting that asking him is a move which forces him to have to say yes or no ...
And that is powerful to make him do.

Of course if he is s millionaire he can afford it. So.. make him look at himself.

whynotwhatknot · 20/04/2023 23:05

sounds like a twat= my sis ex is like this about money why cant she contribute more erm maybe because shes on a tenth of his saalary!

it cost them pennies compared to what youre on yet they couldnt give a fuck

OldFan · 20/04/2023 23:06

Happy to go halves

@Moveoverdarlin OP doesn't earn the same as him and probably also does more to help with DD's day to day life. IMO she should only consider paying halves if they were on the same massive salary.

Bornlazy · 20/04/2023 23:06

How about "That's great you can manage Sunday. If you are struggling financially then just let me know and I can contribute"

I genuinely don't get how some men will point score and punish their ex to the detriment of their children on a regular basis.

JupiterFortified · 20/04/2023 23:07

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 20/04/2023 22:54

why give so much energy to the “tone”? You’ve been apart 10 years, so is this upset response something new? Do you feel the need for some emotion from him as “the mother of his children”?

I agree. Life is too short to be worrying about an ex you split up with 10 years ago: the only important thing here is that your daughter is getting the help she needs. His tone is irrelevant.

TiredandHungry19 · 20/04/2023 23:07

If you split over 10 years ago and he's still like this I'm not sure what you're expecting to change. He is a real shitbag to have cheated on you but he doesn't have to be civil/friends with you if he doesn't want to, unfortunately. I would just reply in a similar tone tbh - 'Thanks, happy to contribute, let me know how much/where to send it' not a big deal.

tara66 · 20/04/2023 23:09

Doesn't your ex get private medical insurance through his work as he is such a high flyer? This usually would include for his children. I know someone who has endless counselling sessions for his 2 children paid for by his employer's health insurance policy - so it is all free to the parents. He is also divorced.

Tulipacious · 20/04/2023 23:10

Sunday suits all. Good of you to pay.
(Fewer words than he’s used. Why should you contribute financially? Haven’t you done enough?)

Lachimolala · 20/04/2023 23:14

Why aren’t you getting a decent amount of maintenance if he’s a millionaire? I’m pretty adept at getting CMS out of men that don’t like/want to pay, is this something you need help with? He should be contributing correctly.

As for replying I just wouldn’t! Ignore the absolute twit. You’ve done all the work so that’s your contribution.

Also my ex is like this with me, it’s because he fully knows he cheated, assaulted and abused me relentlessly. He was a terrible husband and an uninvolved emotionally immature father. He knows it and would rather try to rewrite history to pretend I’m the bad guy, so he’s speaks to me like a piece of rubbish and treats me appallingly still. It’s to assuage his guilt and make him feel justified. Best thing to fight it is to ignore, ignore and ignore some more. They hate that.

Bibonelove · 20/04/2023 23:17

Have you ever been a single mom? Most of us mothers actually pay the lions share when it all boils down to it! He can obviousley afford it, why shouldnt he ???

Jellifulfruit · 20/04/2023 23:19

❤️❤️

mellicauli · 20/04/2023 23:20

Why go against his assumption? I'd go with:
"Yes, I'd appreciate it if you could cover it."

Original poster
jbeck · 20/04/2023 23:27

I am so glad I posted here tonight. Mumsnet at its best!
Thank you ALL, even those who probably think I'm a bit ridiculous for still caring about this stuff!
Really, really appreciate all of the replies.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/04/2023 23:46

mellicauli · 20/04/2023 23:20

Why go against his assumption? I'd go with:
"Yes, I'd appreciate it if you could cover it."

That’s what I’d say too.

muppy · 20/04/2023 23:50

tara66 · 20/04/2023 23:09

Doesn't your ex get private medical insurance through his work as he is such a high flyer? This usually would include for his children. I know someone who has endless counselling sessions for his 2 children paid for by his employer's health insurance policy - so it is all free to the parents. He is also divorced.

He's probably self employed. Even if you earn say 300K (and most high flyers earn under that range), that doesn't make you a millionaire especially if you have 3 kids - god knows family expenditures burgeon. Then again, if he only gave his wife a fixed sum for child rearing, he could have saved up in the millions

Daffodilsandtuplips · 21/04/2023 00:00

I like the “In proportion to my income” reply. Keep it factual and nothing more.

SpringCherryPie · 21/04/2023 00:03

I think that what he wrote was OK, if it was my Ex he would be saying that he couldn’t afford to pay, and going nuts at why I was suggesting an expensive therapist and why couldn’t we just go through the NHS and what was I doing to make her anxious…

So honestly I know he was matter of fact, but he is saying he will pay, and that the date is fine.

So I’d say

Thanks for confirming that, no I’m unable to contribute.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 21/04/2023 00:06

If ever there was a perfect time to just give a 'thumbs up', this is it.

rumbusiness · 21/04/2023 00:46

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 21/04/2023 00:06

If ever there was a perfect time to just give a 'thumbs up', this is it.

Yes, this.

Just a thumbs up or "great, thanks".

These wordy, overly formal replies won't have the effect you want.

blisstwins · 21/04/2023 02:06

PippaF2 · 20/04/2023 21:50

I'd just reply.

'Confirmed and no'.

This is very very good.

Dibbydoos · 21/04/2023 02:13

I'd say, thanks for reading it all correctly, yes please cover the cost as I can't afford it. If she needs many sessions we can reopen the question of vost, but Im afraid my contribution would only be made if I cut something else from the childrens budget.