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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help me reply to this please

199 replies

jbeck · 20/04/2023 20:54

A bit of background. Ex husband and I have 3 children together. We are divorced and split over 10 years ago. He is now a millionaire and was able to advance his career in part due to me doing the lion's share of everything relating to the children. I work full-time but earn a fraction of what he does.
Ex husband cheated on me, hence the breakdown of our marriage. I was dignified throughout and always wanted to be friendly for the benefit of the children. He has always been very cold towards me and can barely look at me when we meet. We're civil but it's clear that he has absolutely no time for me as a person. Fine. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be to our children. Not perfect by any means, but I try to be present and good.
Unfortunately our middle daughter has developed a lot of school-based anxiety. I am liaising with school to develop strategies to help, but it's clear she needs some extra professional intervention. I have found a clinical psychologist for our daughter and have forwarded my ex the details. It's not cheap. But our daughter is at crisis point, and has been offered an appointment for this Sunday. Daughter will be with ex husband on Sunday, and I wanted to be sure it suited him before confirming the appointment.
This was his reply to my email:

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

No hello, no thanks for sorting the appointment, no warmth whatsoever. He clearly doesn't find the cold approach tedious after all these years. We hadn't discussed payment of the sessions, as I find communication with him so difficult. He can be challenging and very passive-aggressive. I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.
He wouldn't speak to a member of his workforce like that in an email, so why is it ok for the mother of his children Sad
How should I reply?

OP posts:
KitKatLove · 21/04/2023 06:26

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:02

It's his tone I objected to, not so much the assumption that I wasn't going to contribute! I have always contributed to things like this in the past.

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He’s asked a question. The tone is whatever you have made it, that’s the problem with the written word. If you read it in an arsey tone then it’s rude but if you read it in a bright and breezy voice then it’s not so bad. Obviously you know him but the tone unless you speak to him is your interpretation.

moonspiral · 21/04/2023 06:40

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:02

It's his tone I objected to, not so much the assumption that I wasn't going to contribute! I have always contributed to things like this in the past.

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There's nothing wrong with his tone. He's decided to keep things bare bones factual with you. There is no warmth there but it's not rude either. If that was a text message it would be fine. Just reply in a similar manner. "No I am not contributing financially"

moonspiral · 21/04/2023 06:41

KitKatLove · 21/04/2023 06:26

He’s asked a question. The tone is whatever you have made it, that’s the problem with the written word. If you read it in an arsey tone then it’s rude but if you read it in a bright and breezy voice then it’s not so bad. Obviously you know him but the tone unless you speak to him is your interpretation.

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I agree with this. If my own husband sent me this I wouldn't be upset. But I guess OP knows her ex better

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 06:42

I don't see anything wrong with his tone. That's exactly how I would have replied to my ex - very factual, short and to the point

Are you getting the correct amount of maintenance?

Frankenweenie · 21/04/2023 06:50

jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:37

I don't get a massive amount of maintenance per month. Not at all. And I pay my contribution to the school fees, which lessens it further.

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How often does he have the kids? Surely if he's a millionaire I'd have thought you'd be getting a big chunk of CMS money? Unless it was inherited of gifted etc

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 06:59

Did your initial email tell him the cost without mentioning any payment from you? If so, his response is fair.

I think you should pay half. Paying proportionally to your earnings works fine when you're in a relationship but I think when you're separated you should be paying halves.

DowntownKingston · 21/04/2023 07:26

Don’t reply.

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 07:34

Being honest, my ex organising something (even psychological intervention) for our joint kids, emailing me the details and expecting me to find the time AND all the money to do it - regardless of whether or not I'm a millionaire that would piss me right off

Strugglingtodomybest · 21/04/2023 07:45

I'd reply: "Great, booked now, thanks!"

JMSA · 21/04/2023 07:56

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 07:34

Being honest, my ex organising something (even psychological intervention) for our joint kids, emailing me the details and expecting me to find the time AND all the money to do it - regardless of whether or not I'm a millionaire that would piss me right off

Really? You think there's something more she could have done to make his life easier? The poor wee lamb!

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 21/04/2023 07:56

It is better to set it up with the facts ahead of time rather than needing to pull info out little by little. It is passive to leave the money issue up in the air and make him ask. If you are booking or buying something that costs money - the $ needs to be part of the up front conversation

Before you book - you should have emailed him to discuss the plan and cost.

"I have found a psychologist, she can see daughter on Sundays at 2:00pm. The cost is 200 per hour. I am planning to book 8 sessions as of now - four will fall on your weekends so I am writing to confirm you will be able to take her on those days and that you can cover 150 per session. I will take her on the Sundays she is with me and can cover 50 a week within my budget."

PippaF2 · 21/04/2023 07:58

rumbusiness · 21/04/2023 00:46

Yes, this.

Just a thumbs up or "great, thanks".

These wordy, overly formal replies won't have the effect you want.

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This!

It's true OP. I know everyone means well but these paragraph responses won't land the point. Anything you write beyond one sentence will just have him skim it, and roll his eyes.

In his head he will say to himself - I only asked a fucking question - what is she wittering on about. And he'll paint you as unreasonable.

You wouldn't be and you aren't but that's how he will view it.

Interesting the pp who got the advice to play the game of replying under his word count and that coming from a lawyer.

The boss who gave me the same advice was also a lawyer.

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 07:58

No @JMSA

My ex doesn't get to decide what I spend my money on.

This is a joint expense.

The money conversation should've been had BEFORE any sessions were booked.

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 07:59

I differ a little. The relationship isn’t good, I don’t understand why you expect warmth, it’s been ten years, it’s a factual message, respond factually

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 08:03

The session is on Sunday. This could cost easily a minimum of £100-200.

He's expected to lay out an extra £100-200 with no notice just because the op has it booked?

It's not a friendly relationship and honestly if my ex expected me to pay that amount of money and hadn't discussed it with me before they booked the sessions I'd be pissed off.

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/04/2023 08:09

Soscrewed · 20/04/2023 21:54

Reply "Perfect thanks. I had assumed I would contribute as usual, but it's great of you to offer to pay. Let me know if you change your mind."

This is what I would go with, plays it nicely and he will be so annoyed that you think he's being nice

tatteddear · 21/04/2023 08:10

My ex used to text like this, or even worse would try and corporate language me, 'reaching out' and 'circling back'. I chose to find it amusing and would reply in my normal tone unless he'd really pissed me off in which case I'd send a ridiculously corporate speak email back just to annoy him.
Just reply as you normally would, politely, saying what ever you are contributing and leave it at that. Anything else is a waste of energy.

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 21/04/2023 08:15

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/04/2023 08:09

This is what I would go with, plays it nicely and he will be so annoyed that you think he's being nice

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That would be passive aggressive and snarky. I mean if you like drama, then great, create it. But otherwise, just be an adult.

Iwasafool · 21/04/2023 09:39

itsyourletters · 20/04/2023 22:00

I think if you forwarded him all of the details but omitted to mention anything about cost at all, or how to pay, and also hope that he would foot the bill - which you admit to be the case - then his response is completely proportionate.

exactly this. He has agreed to take her, no fuss straightforward agreement and then he wants to clarify if he's paying it all. Is he expected to stand there like a lemon not knowing what the arrangement for payment is? Honestly I think people are looking for something to moan about here.

Not sure why he needs to be flowering up with how are you and thanking you for sorting out an appointment for your daughter. Your relationship ended 10 years ago, I think you need to accept it is over and move on.

As for this Tell him to read up on the Elizabeth Broderick case and be nicer to you how pathetic. A man agrees to take his child to an appointment, assumes he's paying and he needs to read up about a woman murdering her ex? Seriously people need to get a grip.

moonspiral · 21/04/2023 09:43

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 08:03

The session is on Sunday. This could cost easily a minimum of £100-200.

He's expected to lay out an extra £100-200 with no notice just because the op has it booked?

It's not a friendly relationship and honestly if my ex expected me to pay that amount of money and hadn't discussed it with me before they booked the sessions I'd be pissed off.

I agree with this tbh. The fact he's loaded doesn't mean you can just spend his money without asking.

PippaF2 · 21/04/2023 09:59

moonspiral · 21/04/2023 09:43

I agree with this tbh. The fact he's loaded doesn't mean you can just spend his money without asking.

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Does the OP expect him to pay? Where has she written that?

MargaretThursday · 21/04/2023 10:10

It depends on whether that's his normal style.
I have people that I get on great with, and can chat on all sorts of things, but if I sent an email asking them if they'd like to come to something I'd get replies along the lines of.
"No, busy that weekend."
Because I'd asked a question and they're giving an answer. They'd see it as complicating it if they'd put in lots of extra details asking how I was etc.

The funniest I remember was a committee I was on. One of the chaps sent out an email detailing what needed to be done and at the bottom had put:
"K and A, could you join me on Saturday to take the stuff to the tip." K being his wife.
Within ten minutes a reply came, copying everyone in, from K.
"No"

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 10:16

@PippaF2 the op says

I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.

So she was wanting him to pay at least half.

Before I'd agree to that I'd want to know the rate either in total or per session (and have that confirmed by forwarding an email from the psychologist for example), how many sessions there were anticipated to be and what split of funding this my ex was proposing.

My ex doesn't get to sign the kids up for something he expects me to facilitate without a conversation around the cost.

Also. It's this Sunday. Which is pretty short notice. What if he had plans?

googlejourney · 21/04/2023 11:51

Did you respond OP?

I liked the PP's suggestion upthread

'Appointment confirmed, I will contribute.'

Match every curt text with exactly the same - he obviously doesn't care and probably won't even notice the tone of your reply.

PippaF2 · 21/04/2023 16:30

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 10:16

@PippaF2 the op says

I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.

So she was wanting him to pay at least half.

Before I'd agree to that I'd want to know the rate either in total or per session (and have that confirmed by forwarding an email from the psychologist for example), how many sessions there were anticipated to be and what split of funding this my ex was proposing.

My ex doesn't get to sign the kids up for something he expects me to facilitate without a conversation around the cost.

Also. It's this Sunday. Which is pretty short notice. What if he had plans?

Then I'm sure the OP would have made alternative arrangements. She hoped he would pay. She didn't tell him he was paying (from the info we have - unless I missed something)

All I'm saying is there's a difference between saying

You have to take DC to medical appointment at x time on Sunday and it's £200

Vs

Hi, an appointment has come up on Sunday with X at X time on Sunday. It costs xyz. Are you able to take DC?

Whether she hoped he'd pay or not is different to making a demand that he must. She does indicate she would contribute. But it's difficult to coparent effectively if one person is grey rocking you and not open to conversations. It leaves the OP a bit stuck really - so I think saying I'd be mad if you demanded xyz from me - is not reflective of the situation here.