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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me reply to this please

199 replies

jbeck · 20/04/2023 20:54

A bit of background. Ex husband and I have 3 children together. We are divorced and split over 10 years ago. He is now a millionaire and was able to advance his career in part due to me doing the lion's share of everything relating to the children. I work full-time but earn a fraction of what he does.
Ex husband cheated on me, hence the breakdown of our marriage. I was dignified throughout and always wanted to be friendly for the benefit of the children. He has always been very cold towards me and can barely look at me when we meet. We're civil but it's clear that he has absolutely no time for me as a person. Fine. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be to our children. Not perfect by any means, but I try to be present and good.
Unfortunately our middle daughter has developed a lot of school-based anxiety. I am liaising with school to develop strategies to help, but it's clear she needs some extra professional intervention. I have found a clinical psychologist for our daughter and have forwarded my ex the details. It's not cheap. But our daughter is at crisis point, and has been offered an appointment for this Sunday. Daughter will be with ex husband on Sunday, and I wanted to be sure it suited him before confirming the appointment.
This was his reply to my email:

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

No hello, no thanks for sorting the appointment, no warmth whatsoever. He clearly doesn't find the cold approach tedious after all these years. We hadn't discussed payment of the sessions, as I find communication with him so difficult. He can be challenging and very passive-aggressive. I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.
He wouldn't speak to a member of his workforce like that in an email, so why is it ok for the mother of his children Sad
How should I reply?

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 20/04/2023 21:18

Not a nice tone at all. However, for the sake of keeping the peace (purely because I’m happier at peace), I’d reply:

Just checking the time was convenient with you before confirming. I’ll go ahead and book it. I’d thought 60/40 would be a fair split. If you pay, I’ll transfer my share.

But others will be along to say I’m too soft, I’m sure.

Cocolocobaby · 20/04/2023 21:21

Contributing financially?
or
contributing emotionally?

Because as you can see I am the one organizing this so clearly I am doing the later!!!
But yes of course I’ll contribute financially as I do with everything else. Unless you are insisting you want to cover this cost . Is that was you mean ?

He would make my blood boil.

Original poster
jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:25

Thank you all so much.

OP posts:
OoooohMatron · 20/04/2023 21:27

Formal and polite, like a business transaction is the way to go here. My god though, you're a better woman than me OP. I really admire your dignity and maturity in this, your ex is an absolute dick.

ShowUs · 20/04/2023 21:35

I think his response is fine.

Can I ask what sort of response you expected?

I do not waste time beating around the bush when I’m texting and just get straight to the point and so some people may think I’m being short with them.

If he’s a millionaire then I assume you are getting a massive amount of maintenance every month and he may have assumed you’d be contributing some of this.

Its very obvious communication is difficult for you both but I’d just reply that you are happy to contribute but as he makes so much more money you were hoping he’d pay for all of it.

Merangutan · 20/04/2023 21:37

That tone! Unnecessarily brusque. The ‘to be clear’ bit makes him sound keen to remind you of your shortcomings and his wonderful generosity. Tell him straight that he’s wrong to presume!

“I plan to make a proportionate contribution as I’d already assumed that you would be reluctant to pay for the psychologist.”

Original poster
jbeck · 20/04/2023 21:37

ShowUs · 20/04/2023 21:35

I think his response is fine.

Can I ask what sort of response you expected?

I do not waste time beating around the bush when I’m texting and just get straight to the point and so some people may think I’m being short with them.

If he’s a millionaire then I assume you are getting a massive amount of maintenance every month and he may have assumed you’d be contributing some of this.

Its very obvious communication is difficult for you both but I’d just reply that you are happy to contribute but as he makes so much more money you were hoping he’d pay for all of it.

I don't get a massive amount of maintenance per month. Not at all. And I pay my contribution to the school fees, which lessens it further.

OP posts:
5128gap · 20/04/2023 21:40

"Yes. I think pro rata to our respective means is fair, so I will contribute 20%."

SurrogateSoul · 20/04/2023 21:41

"Of course I will contribute".

Theoscargoesto · 20/04/2023 21:42

Reminds me of my ex. Once I was gone, I was history and it was like I couldn’t be acknowledged in any way because it somehow impinged on his present. He would have sent a similar text. I dot know what you should say but I do know I am immeasurably better off without him even if he is rich. You have my sympathy having to deal with a gold plated berk.

TempName247 · 20/04/2023 21:43

‘I expected to contribute as we usually share costs in this way however I am happy for you to cover the full fee if you wish to do so’

Iwasafool · 20/04/2023 21:43

Well he's happy to take her and it sounds like he's OK with paying. I wouldn't expect any more from an ex.

ShowUs · 20/04/2023 21:43

Just reply either asking how much you’re contributing or ask him to pay for all of it.

E.g Yes I am planning to pay X amount which leaves Y amount for you to pay.
Or no I’m not planning to contribute as I was hoping you would cover the costs because you can afford it more than me.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 20/04/2023 21:43

Great, I'll pick her up at 11am. Thanks for being so reasonable.

Ladybirdlashes · 20/04/2023 21:47

could you be more specific? Is it a monetary contribution you mean or are you not recognising how I have contributed already? For example (if it needs to be spelt out to you) the daily support I give her, the time I spend working with school on developing a care plan and of course researching and organising this appointment. If it is a monetary contribution you want (or need?) I’m happy to contribute. We can work it out in proportion to our income I think that would be the fairest way.

Gillbil · 20/04/2023 21:48

jbeck · 20/04/2023 20:54

A bit of background. Ex husband and I have 3 children together. We are divorced and split over 10 years ago. He is now a millionaire and was able to advance his career in part due to me doing the lion's share of everything relating to the children. I work full-time but earn a fraction of what he does.
Ex husband cheated on me, hence the breakdown of our marriage. I was dignified throughout and always wanted to be friendly for the benefit of the children. He has always been very cold towards me and can barely look at me when we meet. We're civil but it's clear that he has absolutely no time for me as a person. Fine. I've always tried to be the best mum I can be to our children. Not perfect by any means, but I try to be present and good.
Unfortunately our middle daughter has developed a lot of school-based anxiety. I am liaising with school to develop strategies to help, but it's clear she needs some extra professional intervention. I have found a clinical psychologist for our daughter and have forwarded my ex the details. It's not cheap. But our daughter is at crisis point, and has been offered an appointment for this Sunday. Daughter will be with ex husband on Sunday, and I wanted to be sure it suited him before confirming the appointment.
This was his reply to my email:

Sunday is fine, to be clear you aren’t making a contribution?

No hello, no thanks for sorting the appointment, no warmth whatsoever. He clearly doesn't find the cold approach tedious after all these years. We hadn't discussed payment of the sessions, as I find communication with him so difficult. He can be challenging and very passive-aggressive. I probably had hoped he would pay, if I'm honest, but am happy to make a contribution.
He wouldn't speak to a member of his workforce like that in an email, so why is it ok for the mother of his children Sad
How should I reply?

Play ignorant of his reference about the money, and remind him of real contribution, researching, finding and contacting people who can help your child.

you should reply:

I'm failing to see what you have contributed so far....
Are you informing me you've reseached and found another clinical psychologist for our daughter's anxiety issues? And want to compare them?
If so, please forward me their information, that would be most helpful, thank you exh.
Kindest regards
Jbeck

Hankunamatata · 20/04/2023 21:48

Id reply

No I'm not making contribution.

PippaF2 · 20/04/2023 21:50

I'd just reply.

'Confirmed and no'.

Ladybirdlashes · 20/04/2023 21:50

Also perhaps a ‘I appreciate you taking the time to take her this appointment’ on the end so you wouldn’t appear hypocritical.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 20/04/2023 21:51

Great, I will confirm the appointment for you. Can we split it 80/20?

Or

Hi, I'm glad Sunday is fine. I will confirm the appointment. What do you think is fair for me to contribute?

Or

Brill, I will confirm the appointment then. I'm so glad I have found someone suitable. I will struggle to make a financial contribution. Can you cover it? I have been emotionally supporting DD by XYZ.

secretskillrelationships · 20/04/2023 21:51

I’d be tempted to reply, oh thanks, that’s very generous and ignore the question mark!

Soscrewed · 20/04/2023 21:54

Reply "Perfect thanks. I had assumed I would contribute as usual, but it's great of you to offer to pay. Let me know if you change your mind."

secretskillrelationships · 20/04/2023 21:54

But my first response was if I got that from a colleague I’d ask for clarification about what they meant. And I think that’s the way to go - you’re reacting to the subtext that you fleece him for money and are a bad person. Neither of those things is true but you’ll never prove it to him so leave him to believe what he likes about you and get on with being who you are!

possomcandle · 20/04/2023 21:55

Thanks. I'll confirm.
I'm working with the school and with daughter directly to help with her anxiety difficulties. I'm really pleased to have managed to find this excellent psychologist who I really believe will help. I am hoping that your contribution could be taking care of the financial side of things but if that's not something you are comfortable with then let me know and I'll have a rethink.

muppy · 20/04/2023 21:57

When I was seeing a clinical psychologist for anxiety in uni years ago, it was £200+ per hour per week (paid for by my parents - I wouldn't be able to afford almost 1k monthly even today).

Tbh (while ultimately I just want what is best for daughter so wouldn't squabble) I would want him to fully pay for it if he was that wealthy, and considering I put the pedals on my career for his children/his career. The issue would be that I wouldn't want to be seen as begging or leeching, especially to such a rude man. So I get the dilemma.