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Original poster

Husband's brother not invited his step-child

409 replies

JaynesSmalls · 20/04/2023 12:23

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

OP posts:
Aylestone · 20/04/2023 12:25

If this was my brother and my step child, I’d support my partner and refuse to go. Do you even want to go now he’s excluded your child?

ACynicalDad · 20/04/2023 12:26

I'd say sorry we won't be there.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2023 12:27

Is your husband still happy to go? Would your child want to go? They might not be that bothered though I can see why you are. How well does the DB know you and your DC?

Sapphire387 · 20/04/2023 12:29

I think this is horrible of them.

We are a 'double step' family - both DH And I were widowed, I have two bio DC and a DSD.

We haven't had this from either side of the family. Nor would we tolerate it - none of us would go.

Yeah, people are not obliged to accept stepchildren into their family - but actually no one is obliged to accept anyone into their family. So you are free to decline their invitation and draw your lines. Family is as family does, and your DH's brother is not behaving like family.

Greenqueen40 · 20/04/2023 12:29

Then he goes without you, your child is your priority in this not your new husband

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/04/2023 12:31

Well I'd be staying away and my husband would too. I'd probably try and persuade him to go to the ceremony though.

Conkersinautumn · 20/04/2023 12:34

I'd decline the invite. Does he get your son gifts at birthday or Christmas I'm wondering if this is a stepchild thing or if there's a grudge there over your wedding?

WandaWonder · 20/04/2023 12:35

I would have no issue at my husband going, I would choose to go or not myself

SparklyBlackKitten · 20/04/2023 12:36

Why would your dh's brother have to invite your child to his wedding?
He doesn't have to
He Obviously doesnt see your child as part of his family.
Which is his prerogative

And you need not be "heart broken".
Just either let your dh go by himself or go with dh and leave your kid with a sitter.

ChickenDhansak82 · 20/04/2023 12:37

You are married and he became father to your child. She is now therefore HIS child too.

To invite the sister's kids but not the brother's child is not acceptable.

Your husband should be telling his brother than unless his daughter is included in the invitation then unfortunately you all won't be able to attend.

Has he adopted your daughter too?

GreyTS · 20/04/2023 12:38

I'll be honest if I did this to my brother and his step children not only would he not come but my parents wouldn't either. I'm sorry you and your child have been made feel like outsiders, but unfortunately a lot of families are like this, horrible exclusionary arseholes the lot of them

JE17 · 20/04/2023 12:38

What rationale have they given for not inviting your DS? I can't imagine being in that situation and not inviting my DB's stepchild (even moreso as you mention bio Dad not involved). And then to not even put your DS at the top of the stand by list - no way I would be attending.

Theelephantinthecastle · 20/04/2023 12:39

How well does your DH's brother know your child?

Ragwort · 20/04/2023 12:39

Does a 13 year old really want to go to the wedding? I can imagine most 13 year olds would rather stay away.
Either your DH goes without you or you both go & your DC stays with family or friends. You really don't have to make it into some big deal ... and I don't really see what the relevance to your own weddings is Confused.

Mamapiggywig · 20/04/2023 12:39

Do not go. It will send the message that you accept them ostracising your child. Put your foot down and refuse.

mondaytosunday · 20/04/2023 12:39

Does this step uncle have any relationship with your child? If not, why would he be invited? Do you have a good relationship with your bil?
My sisters have no relationship with my stepkids (they live in a different country for one thing), but I wouldn't expect them to be invited if one of them got married.

CheersForThatEh · 20/04/2023 12:40

That's not ok. All family kids or none at all. The different treatment is disgraceful and DH should decline if he would decline of his biological child was left out. Is he not raging?

Weddingpuzzle · 20/04/2023 12:41

My best friend of 40 years is coming to my wedding with her step daughter. There is no way on earth I wouldn't invite a child she has helped to raise for a decade. Your DS has been raised by your DH and you are a family. This is a deliberate message that you and your DS are not seen as family. Pretty vile to do that to a kid!

Eggseggseverywhere · 20/04/2023 12:41

It's a bum on a seat. If dh's db can't give that seat to your dc I would be reconsidering the invite. And if dh goes then maybe reconsider your relationship..
If a work colleague would get that seat first he can get stuffed.
My sil never accepted my dd.. She wasn't invited to her wedding. I heard it was incase people thought she was actually her db's dd and he had produced the first dgc for her dps.
We actually did have a ds the next year. Sil never forgave me. As in we never spoke. And the dc were kept apart.

mainsfed · 20/04/2023 12:41

I wouldn't go

thaisweetchill · 20/04/2023 12:42

How disgusting, it's clear they don't wish to invite your child. I first thought they were limited on numbers but it's pretty clear they're not.

I don't think your husband should refuse to go but I think you should refuse, I wouldn't want to associate myself with his brother again after this.

Original poster
JaynesSmalls · 20/04/2023 12:43

My husband is absolutely devastated by it, he is the best man (along with a friend). I 100% don't want to go but I 100% want him to go as it would wreck his relationship with his brother.

My child would 100% want to go to this wedding. They would want to go to any wedding especially this one as it is family and the venue is out of this world.

We very simply accepted the invitation without question, it never occurred to us to question the invitation, we thought given the venue and time that it was over 18s only.

I know that I and my child who will remain an only child, and for 'political' reasons won't have a relationship with their father's nieces are disappointed that my husband's nieces and nephews haven't really embraced them in spite of trying on our side with invitations etc. These are the children of his sister. The couple getting married have no children.

I have never heard my child comment on DH's brother or express an opinion on him. All of them are polite when we see them.

Husband wants us to go round and express how disappointed we are. But who am I to talk when we didn't invite them to ours?

Husband wants also to involve his parents but I have said no. I can't focus on work and think I am going home.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 20/04/2023 12:43

I think it probably boils down to the fact that he doesn’t see your child as “his brother’s child” - ie as his niece/nephew - in the same way as he does his sister’s children. He sees your child as “brother’s new wife’s child”. And on that basis, I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable when you’re talking about a very small wedding (although it would have been nice if he could have been more inclusive about it). Equally, though, it’s entirely reasonable for you not to go on that basis, which is what I’d do. Politely decline on the grounds of childcare.

ProfessorInkling · 20/04/2023 12:44

I probably wouldn't go in this scenario.
My children were invited to a family wedding on DP's side, he is not their dad, and most of these relatives have never met my children. I was very touched by the gesture. My kids are teens and didn't want to go but they were pleased to have been given the choice.

treespouse · 20/04/2023 12:45

Do you see the brother regularly? Has he met your child more than a handful of times? Tbh I couldn't get too worked up about it (certainly not heartbroken) especially if I hadn't even invited this brother to my own wedding