Page 4 | Husband's brother not invited his step-child

JaynesSmalls · 2023-04-20T11:23:38+00:00

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age. My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting. His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon). The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child. I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken. My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited. No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

Daffidale · 20/04/2023 13:40

Daffidale · 20/04/2023 13:32

I’m with @curtaintwitcher23 - the real issue here is how your DC is viewed by your husband’s family. The wedding is a symptom, not the cause. The conversation that really needs to be had is that your husband views your daughter as his daughter and would like his family to view and treat her as such and treat her just the same as the bio nieces/nephews/GC.

I wouldn’t make this all about the wedding. Weddings are tinderboxes for family drama and you will stoke that if you try to force it. The sad bottom line here is that BIL currently does not view your DD as his niece. That is hurtful to you. Of course it is. But it is his wedding and that’s how he feels right now and it is up to him who he has at his wedding. If you force it for the wedding you definitely risk doing more harm longer term.

Different families have very different views around step DC as any reader of MN will know. There are just as many threads asking AIBU to exclude step DC and plenty of people saying yes that is reasonable.

I would focus on your husband talking to his family about how he sees your DD as his daughter and it’s important to him that his family accept and welcome her as such and don’t treat her as different. On that basis of course he would like her included in the wedding just like her cousins. If he’s already explained that to DB and DB feels strongly “no she’s not my neice” then they need to work on that. I think getting parents involved - not to manipulate or coerce anyone but to state their views of your child’s place in their family (eg if they view her as DGC) - may be helpful.

If DB is adamant then I think you can agree to disagree and still attend the wedding without DD.

Just realised I somehow assumed we were talking about a DD and you don’t actually say. I can’t see how to edit my post. Apologies if I have misgendered your child

Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 13:43

Ragwort · 20/04/2023 13:20

Actually I do think it's relevant if the 13 year old wants to go or not ... at that age my DS would not have been in the slightest bit bothered if he wasn't included - I have been to plenty of weddings with bored looking teenagers and adults sitting around just waiting for the day to be over.

Actually it’s not. It’s about acceptance of this boy and how they view his place in the family. Which is very clearly, there is not one.

MrsMiddleMother · 20/04/2023 13:43

Yanbu at all and god, all the vultures are out on mn today on this thread! Do not go to the wedding, if your dh still wants to go that's understandable but plan something lovely for you and your child for that time.

Snoken · 20/04/2023 13:43

How old are the nieces and nephews who are invited and do they have a part in the wedding? Like page boy etc.

Dilemma19 · 20/04/2023 13:45

Utterly horrible for them to do this. It's clear that because he is a step child. Why shouldn't your dh not go? He's taken on your child as his own and wants to stand by that so if he doesn't want to go then support that. The db has already wrecked the relationship. What is one more child for the sake of your own brother. Awful of them. You not inviting siblings is a completely different issue, you didn't invite anyone else!

Eggseggseverywhere · 20/04/2023 13:48

I suggest you both keep quiet. Or you will be accused of cfery... Stay away but send dh. And hold that grudge.. Let people ask why your dh is there alone. He can answer honestly.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 13:48

It’s an expensive venue, they have limited numbers, it doesn’t sound like they know your child all that well… I can understand them prioritising adult friends over your child in the event of drop-outs. However, I’d understand if you didn’t want to go.

RayofSunshine18 · 20/04/2023 13:48

So, I am actually in your position, my daughter is the step daughter and to be honest, I wouldn't be this upset if my daughter weren't invited.

I think perhaps because I would look at it more logically than emotionally - she isn't biologically related to the Groom and isn't his niece whereas the other children are. That along with limited numbers in an expensive venue, I would completely understand why she weren't invited.

Go to the wedding and enjoy a child free evening :)

darjeelingrose · 20/04/2023 13:52

I would be devastated not to be invited to a sibling's wedding, absolutely gutted, the only way it would even vaguely be ok is if they eloped, if there were any guests whatsoever I would be beyond disappointed

But I would never have said that to a sibling. I would have just cried by myself.

Do you think that in fact you really upset people not inviting them to yours, but the relationship with you was too important to make a big deal of it?

Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 13:54

RayofSunshine18 · 20/04/2023 13:48

So, I am actually in your position, my daughter is the step daughter and to be honest, I wouldn't be this upset if my daughter weren't invited.

I think perhaps because I would look at it more logically than emotionally - she isn't biologically related to the Groom and isn't his niece whereas the other children are. That along with limited numbers in an expensive venue, I would completely understand why she weren't invited.

Go to the wedding and enjoy a child free evening :)

This made me really sad.

Viviennemary · 20/04/2023 13:56

If you are annoyed about it then don't go. But you didnt invite the brother to your wedding so I don't think you can complain. You did what you wanted so now the brother is doing what he wants.

TheChoiceIsYours · 20/04/2023 13:57

I can understand why you’re upset but you’re going to go home from work at lunchtime over this?!! On what basis?! If you’re too upset to work then sorry to be a hit blunt but you’re utterly overreacting and I think need to work on your resilience and ability to control your emotions appropriately. Talk to your husband tonight and work out a plan of action, leaving work early in a state over a wedding invite is just bonkers!

Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 14:00

TheChoiceIsYours · 20/04/2023 13:57

I can understand why you’re upset but you’re going to go home from work at lunchtime over this?!! On what basis?! If you’re too upset to work then sorry to be a hit blunt but you’re utterly overreacting and I think need to work on your resilience and ability to control your emotions appropriately. Talk to your husband tonight and work out a plan of action, leaving work early in a state over a wedding invite is just bonkers!

It’s about acceptance and rejection.

dittbtdity · 20/04/2023 14:01

frazzledasarock · 20/04/2023 13:02

A registry wedding is different form a big wedding with guests.

The kicker for me would be that BIL refused to even add DSC as a first refusal for late drop outs. They are clearly making a point that the DSC is not important and new workmates take precedence over his brothers family.

I'd not go and I'd not try to have any relationship with them from here on, they're your husbands relatives, and nothing to you. As they are demonstrating here.

If I was paying for a big fancy expensive wedding I wouldn't want to clutter the room with random unrelated children. I'd want to have fun people (adults) I can socialise with, who will enjoy and appreciate the food and entertainment I'm paying for.

This child is not related to the bride or groom.

I just don't understand the entitlement people are expressing about this child attending a wedding of people he's not related to.

The child's relationship is by association with the grooms brother, not the groom.

Dora33 · 20/04/2023 14:04

I can understand your child not making cut of the 30 people your bil is inviting to your wedding. Assuming the other 30 people are relations / friends of the bride.

Unless your bil has seen your child a fair bit during the last 4 years, a relationship hasn't developed between them both.

Also I don't think your husband can say anything when your bil didn't make the cut for your Registry office wedding.

It might be unfair but would your bil have assumpted he wasn't invited due to it being a 2nd wedding for you & that was the reason for it being so small.
I wouldn't have said anything but would have been hurt if I wasn't invited to a siblings wedding. I would wonder why they didn't want me there.

Dora33 · 20/04/2023 14:05

Sorry meant his wedding of course and not your wedding

Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 14:08

Dora33 · 20/04/2023 14:04

I can understand your child not making cut of the 30 people your bil is inviting to your wedding. Assuming the other 30 people are relations / friends of the bride.

Unless your bil has seen your child a fair bit during the last 4 years, a relationship hasn't developed between them both.

Also I don't think your husband can say anything when your bil didn't make the cut for your Registry office wedding.

It might be unfair but would your bil have assumpted he wasn't invited due to it being a 2nd wedding for you & that was the reason for it being so small.
I wouldn't have said anything but would have been hurt if I wasn't invited to a siblings wedding. I would wonder why they didn't want me there.

It would be fair if he didn’t invite them, not just her child.

He also said if someone drops out his new work colleague will go not the step nephew that’s been in his life for years. A very clear way of telling his brother ‘this kids not your by blood, so he doesn’t count’.

Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 14:09

dittbtdity · 20/04/2023 14:01

If I was paying for a big fancy expensive wedding I wouldn't want to clutter the room with random unrelated children. I'd want to have fun people (adults) I can socialise with, who will enjoy and appreciate the food and entertainment I'm paying for.

This child is not related to the bride or groom.

I just don't understand the entitlement people are expressing about this child attending a wedding of people he's not related to.

The child's relationship is by association with the grooms brother, not the groom.

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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Good God!!!!!

Floofydawg · 20/04/2023 14:11

Totally agree with you @dittbtdity. Stepchild batshittery going on here at it's finest.

usererror99 · 20/04/2023 14:11

To Be honest I think YABU

Your child isn't your DH and so isn't the nephew of his brother, your child hasn't been in your DH (and his family's) life even from a young age - he was 9? I don't think a 4 year relationship entitles you to feel "heartbroken" - presumably the brother isn't that close to / had much of a relationship with your child in the sense that he has taken on an "uncle" role? It's a small wedding to boot at an expensive location

Bansheed · 20/04/2023 14:13

Ragwort · 20/04/2023 12:39

Does a 13 year old really want to go to the wedding? I can imagine most 13 year olds would rather stay away.
Either your DH goes without you or you both go & your DC stays with family or friends. You really don't have to make it into some big deal ... and I don't really see what the relevance to your own weddings is .

Why would you imagine that? We have a wedding next month and my early teens are all massively excited. They see it as a fun, family celebration. It is a social milestone and one of the few nice, communal celebrations.

Itsmebutnotme · 20/04/2023 14:13

MrsMiddleMother · 20/04/2023 13:43

Yanbu at all and god, all the vultures are out on mn today on this thread! Do not go to the wedding, if your dh still wants to go that's understandable but plan something lovely for you and your child for that time.

Yes, all those vultures acknowledging the hypocrisy...

cornfleurs · 20/04/2023 14:14

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

This is a slightly odd statement. No-one knows what the future holds.

Pancakeorcrepe · 20/04/2023 14:16

You didn’t even invite them to your wedding, but you’re pissed off your son hasn’t been invited? YABU

Anoisagusaris · 20/04/2023 14:20

Is it an adult only event?