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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's brother not invited his step-child

409 replies

JaynesSmalls · 20/04/2023 12:23

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

OP posts:
Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 13:16

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 13:12

It’s their wedding u have no right to dictate who they have to invite.
why r u heartbroken they have limited numbers and not enough for the child, u r overthinking it.

Heartless.

Ragwort · 20/04/2023 13:16

I can't believe that you are so upset over this that you are having to go home from work ... seriously it's a wedding not the Coronation don't make a fuss, be the bigger person and either accept or decline gracefully. (I speak as a step child myself).

JulieHoney · 20/04/2023 13:17

Sounds like he and his fiancée don’t really have a relationship with your child. If numbers are tight, a bride and groom are always going to annoy someone by not inviting them.

CC4712 · 20/04/2023 13:17

Is it a childfree wedding, but the sisters children have a role? Bridesmaid/pageboy etc? IF its not childfree and many other children are invited, it would feel like you were left out.

Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 13:19

My kids have a step Dad if only him, myself and our biological son got invited to his brothers wedding theres no way DP would still go. His loyalty is 100% to ALL of our boys (the kids he’s raising day in, day out). I would not be with a man that thought or acted otherwise - there would be no space at all in my life for a man like that.

ColdHandsHotHead · 20/04/2023 13:19

Is he hoping you and your partner will drop out so that he can invite other people?

Ragwort · 20/04/2023 13:20

Actually I do think it's relevant if the 13 year old wants to go or not ... at that age my DS would not have been in the slightest bit bothered if he wasn't included - I have been to plenty of weddings with bored looking teenagers and adults sitting around just waiting for the day to be over.

Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 13:21

Ragwort · 20/04/2023 13:16

I can't believe that you are so upset over this that you are having to go home from work ... seriously it's a wedding not the Coronation don't make a fuss, be the bigger person and either accept or decline gracefully. (I speak as a step child myself).

The audacity of a woman heartbroken that her son clearly isn’t accepted as family.

imagine.

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 20/04/2023 13:21

I would have a dreadful migraine/food poisoning on the day, so they still had to pay for my place.

fizzandchips · 20/04/2023 13:21

You invited who you wanted to your wedding. They are invited who they want to their wedding including you and your DH. I honestly wouldn’t give it a second thought. I’d accept that they’ve invited who they want to be there and either accept and go and enjoy an incredible setting with your DH or let your DH go and stay at home. I appreciate the majority of people disagree with this, but I think you’re making this into more than is. They’re simply doing exactly as you did.

Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 13:22

fizzandchips · 20/04/2023 13:21

You invited who you wanted to your wedding. They are invited who they want to their wedding including you and your DH. I honestly wouldn’t give it a second thought. I’d accept that they’ve invited who they want to be there and either accept and go and enjoy an incredible setting with your DH or let your DH go and stay at home. I appreciate the majority of people disagree with this, but I think you’re making this into more than is. They’re simply doing exactly as you did.

But they’re doing it her CHILD, not to her. That’s not the same.

3peassuit · 20/04/2023 13:24

I wouldn’t attend if my child was excluded in such a hurtful way. I would expect DH to attend as the groom is his brother.

almondflake · 20/04/2023 13:25

I wouldn't go , I just couldn't leave my child out and have a good time .
We were invited to a big birthday party and our daughter was very excited , she had a friend over on the day so we asked if the friend could be included to be told that no children were invited at all only the families children would be there .
Nowhere on the invitation was this mentioned, we'd bought new outfits for my daughter and my self got a gift and a card too .
We didn't go on principle ,as when we had parties we'd always let them include people they wanted to as along , and went out with another couple and their kids that were in the same boat .

Lemonademoney · 20/04/2023 13:26

Oof! As a step child across both parents I have experienced very similar rejection. It’s not ok, it’s very dickish and your child will remember this. Im always sorry for step kids as even if they have a lovely stepparent (I didn’t) there’s usually extended family that refuse to accept them in the same way

CoozudBoyuPuak · 20/04/2023 13:29

Obviously you should withdraw your acceptance for yourself, because you and your son "come as a unit" if its to something where children are generally coming - obviously you would arrange alternative care for you child if going to something that is adults-only, but this isn't. Going along yourself to something where children are allowed, and where he wants to go, but leaving him out, is an explicit message to him of his lower importance and low-value and that's not something you should do.

Whether or not your husband pulls out depends on to what extent he thinks that you and he "come as a unit" - would he have refused the invitation if it had been explicitly laid out that he was invited but you yourself, his wife, was very much unwelcome? If he would then of course he can still go, and if he wouldn't then he should withdraw. The complexities of his own family dynamics are going to have a huge effect on what answer he comes up with, and what that means for you, and there's not enough info in the thread to know which way that decision should go.

Itsmebutnotme · 20/04/2023 13:29

YABU. What ever reason you had/just justified to yourself, you didn't invite them to your wedding. A registry office is plenty big enough for siblings to have attended. I don't really see why you should expect to dictate the terms of an invite to their wedding. You can have it both ways 'family' at your wedding meant no siblings at their it means no step children. Its understandable that you are hurt but I suspect in spite of what may have been said they will have been upset at your child not being invited to a siblings wedding. Their money, their choice just as you had your money, your choice at your wedding. The comments about the size of your first wedding and about the world famous hotel are weird. They make you sound status orientated and entitled.

Itsmebutnotme · 20/04/2023 13:30

fizzandchips · 20/04/2023 13:21

You invited who you wanted to your wedding. They are invited who they want to their wedding including you and your DH. I honestly wouldn’t give it a second thought. I’d accept that they’ve invited who they want to be there and either accept and go and enjoy an incredible setting with your DH or let your DH go and stay at home. I appreciate the majority of people disagree with this, but I think you’re making this into more than is. They’re simply doing exactly as you did.

+1

AliceOlive · 20/04/2023 13:30

It’s really awful and hurtful. However, I think I’d go with him and just be distant. Treat it as if you are no closer to them than the spouse of one of those new colleagues.

Can you do this without your DD knowing she’s been excluded from a family event?

Have you been invited to any of the extraneous activities?

Daffidale · 20/04/2023 13:32

I’m with @curtaintwitcher23 - the real issue here is how your DC is viewed by your husband’s family. The wedding is a symptom, not the cause. The conversation that really needs to be had is that your husband views your daughter as his daughter and would like his family to view and treat her as such and treat her just the same as the bio nieces/nephews/GC.

I wouldn’t make this all about the wedding. Weddings are tinderboxes for family drama and you will stoke that if you try to force it. The sad bottom line here is that BIL currently does not view your DD as his niece. That is hurtful to you. Of course it is. But it is his wedding and that’s how he feels right now and it is up to him who he has at his wedding. If you force it for the wedding you definitely risk doing more harm longer term.

Different families have very different views around step DC as any reader of MN will know. There are just as many threads asking AIBU to exclude step DC and plenty of people saying yes that is reasonable.

I would focus on your husband talking to his family about how he sees your DD as his daughter and it’s important to him that his family accept and welcome her as such and don’t treat her as different. On that basis of course he would like her included in the wedding just like her cousins. If he’s already explained that to DB and DB feels strongly “no she’s not my neice” then they need to work on that. I think getting parents involved - not to manipulate or coerce anyone but to state their views of your child’s place in their family (eg if they view her as DGC) - may be helpful.

If DB is adamant then I think you can agree to disagree and still attend the wedding without DD.

MichelleScarn · 20/04/2023 13:33

My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. how many months did it last for?!
Agree with pp you've (twice) got the wedding you wanted, you didn't want to invite the dbro to your and DHs wedding so didn't, but are kicking off and going home in tears from work your child isn't one of the 30 people closest to the groom in his life?
Did you invite sil and her children to your wedding? Was there all this drama from them if you didn't?

CantFindTheBeat · 20/04/2023 13:33

How come your husband is best man when he's only just found out?

Brother was taking a risk with availability 🙈

Floofydawg · 20/04/2023 13:33

Honestly, if this was a biological child and they had decided no kids except for those in the wedding party there wouldn't be quite such an uproar.

Mossstitch · 20/04/2023 13:34

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 20/04/2023 13:21

I would have a dreadful migraine/food poisoning on the day, so they still had to pay for my place.

I like this😈 but I'm a sister whose actual biological children, ie blood nephews weren't invited to brother's second wedding, got there expecting child free and found bride's sister's children were😡

Caitcheshire · 20/04/2023 13:38

Just to go against the grain, I’d be devastated if my parents went to my brothers wedding and I hadn’t even had an invite. It would firmly put into perspective how important/not important I was in their life. Having a small wedding wouldn’t cut as an excuse for that one, you either include or exclude immediate family not pick and choose.

while I can understand you want your child to be accepted fully - I don’t think you demonstrated the same for your wedding and I think they have simply followed the tone.

id not normally disagree with your feelings with issues like this, but this time, I think your BIL is fully entitled to invite who he does and doesn’t want, just like you were for your own wedding.

cornfleurs · 20/04/2023 13:38

Agree with pp you've (twice) got the wedding you wanted, you didn't want to invite the dbro to your and DHs wedding so didn't, but are kicking off and going home in tears from work your child isn't one of the 30 people closest to the groom in his life?

This. Stop with the drama. 'Heartbroken' FGS

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