Husband's brother not invited his step-child

[JaynesSmalls]

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

It's not a child free wedding there are children attending both older and younger than OP's child.

and the brother is refusing to even add OP's child if there are any late cancellations, instead choosing colleagues he doesn't know as long as OP's child.

I don't think this is comparable to a registry wedding with just parents in attendance.

I can see why OP is hurt, the brother is clearly saying the OP's child is not considered family and work colleagues, he's known for less time are closer to him than OP's child.

Who knows what goes on behind the scenes?

You had a small wedding and didn't invite your BIL or your step nieces/nephews. You will have had your reasons, but maybe they were hurt by that. Did they make a fuss? possibly not.

Perhaps your BIL planned a child free wedding, then maybe his sister kicked up a fuss because they had no babysitters (family all attending the wedding). Who knows?

It doesn't sound like you are an entirely blended-extended family if your step nieces and nephews haven't integrated with your child - it's not really like they grew up together from a very young age. My dc are in in an extended family, I understand the feelings. However, when I had a big birthday celebration recently, I extended an invitation to my dsis's dc, but not to my dSIL's step dc. Even though I like them.

You were happy to go as an adult couple when you received the invitation, so why not go with that initial feeling. Be happy for the couple. Accept that this is their wedding. They want the two of you there. Go and celebrate.

There will be many other occasions in the future when YOU have the choice to include the whole family, you can encourage more integration. That only happens by being genuinely hapy for you and your dh to attend the wedding. Integration doesn't happen if you both refuse, or if he goes alone.

I do as well.

I’m guessing those who are utterly outraged have or were part of a blended family? I wasn’t.

The numbers at this wedding are not huge. The groom arguably has 30 guests. I’d much rather an adult friend come than a young teen I don’t know very well. Whatever the young teen’s mother and stepfather chose to do with that, I’d accept. Which I expect the brother will, but expecting the stepson to be prioritised above adult guests, doesn’t make any sense to me.

And I don’t believe kids love weddings that much that they’d be devastated not to be invited.

Tricky one
Obviously it shouldn’t be tit for tat but you didn’t invite them to your wedding and now they have chosen not to invite your dc to theirs.
Id be really peeved by this but ultimately it’s their wedding
Would it be any better if you insisted, they caved in and your dc went. I think this would cause an atmosphere.

Just accept it as their choice.

Extended families can just be complicated. My (now adult dc) have nice relationships with my SILs. But they are extended family relationships and my SILs would never refer to them as nieces or step-nieces. They are just X and Y who are lovely people and part of the extended family.

Similar applies to me and my step-nieces (or are they step-step nieces?). It doesn't matter, they are nice people and when it's appropriate I@d invite them and include them. For much smaller events I wouldn't.

You’re complaining that they don’t view your son as part of the family, but when you had a celebration marking your families combining you didn’t invite them! I don’t think you can complain that you aren’t close enough for your DS to be invited when you didn’t invite them at all to yours.

I certainly wouldn't dream of going.

It is absolutely their choice whom they invite to their wedding, and yours to decline it.

Your child is being deliberately excluded, you have zero business attending.

Allow your husband to make his choice.

Valuing a relationship works both ways.

Your brother in law has zero difficulty in upsetting his brother and family, your husband can therefore respond as he chooses.

Doesn't sound like much of a sibling relationship if your BIL finds it so easy to exclude his brother's step child.

Loyalty is very important to me.
I wouldn't dream of attending.

If loyalty is important to you, you’d probably have invited them to your wedding then, wouldn’t you?

OP didn’t, though.

The thing about weddings is, they really tell you where you stand in the pecking order of of the happy couple’s affections.

I have a stepdaughter and the sad truth is she is not the same to my family as family - and honestly she is not the same
to me. I feel about her more how I feel about my in-laws - family by marriage.

All this to say: step-families add
complexity to family affections. My view is, one can have who one wishes at one’s wedding - but you also have to suck it up if excluding someone means others can’t come. I don’t think it’s worth calling the brother out over this, he has been clear on how he feels and it is his and his partner’s day. You can decide to not attend if you feel you don’t want to go without your daughter.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

I think the point you're making here is that he considers DSD to be the only child he will ever have and that the three of you are a family unit.

I think he needs to explain that to his brother - it doesn't sound as though he has done that yet?

He needs to get across the fact that he's not only upset on your DD's behalf, he's really hurt on his own behalf, because his brother's decision to invite the other children implies that his own version of a family is 'not good enough'.

Well I think you're stuck. You've asked - they've refused, and refused to add in if anyone drops out which I think is pretty shitty.

Very hard on your DH, having his family dismiss the role he is playing in your child's life. I do think it's reasonable for your DH to say he's upset that your child has been excluded when others are invited - but calmly, and to say that he views himself as the child's father but that obviously it's their choice who they invite. They may think he's asking on your behalf, not his own volition.

To avoid a complete fall out I'd send DH, and plan a nice day out with child. They've shown you how their view your child...you can't change that. I doubt its due to you not having them to your wedding - excluding a child as payback would be an insanely low thing to do.

I don’t think it’s right that they haven’t invited the step nephew when all the bio nieces and nephews have been invited.

YABU you have not answered the question of how much of a relationship your DS has with your DHs DB, probably because they don't have much of a relationship.

Presumably the DB has been in his nieces and nephews lives since birth and has a close bond with them which he doesn't have with your DS. It is not unreasonable for him to want those children there as part of their small celebration but not a teenager he hardly knows, especially if it is costing an arm and a leg.

I have 3 siblings - if I was to remarry and not invite any of them to my wedding then they would be very hurt and if any of them got married and didn't invite DD then I'd be hurt if other cousins were invited, but only because my siblings have been involved in DDs life since she was born.

I have aunts and uncles on my mum's side that I have seen on a weekly (if not more frequently) basis since I was born except when I lived abroad, and even then I'd make sure to visit when I came home and kept in contact regularly via phonecalls/WhatsApp/Social media etc.

I have an aunt on my dad's side that I have only seen a couple of times a year (at most) since I was about 5 as that's when she moved to the Highlands of Scotland. Dad and his sister aren't hugely close, they call maybe every 6weeks or so, and I've never really been close to her - she is the most lovely person, as is my uncle and my cousins, but I just don't have the close relationship with her that I do with my maternal aunts and uncles because I only ever saw them at Christmas and Easter, and since my dad's parents died (the reason for their visits) they don't even always visit every year now.

If any of my maternal aunts or uncles had got married and I wasn't invited I'd have been devastated as we are super close, but if my paternal aunt got married without inviting me then I'd probably have felt left out but not enough to be upset about it.

I wish people wouldn’t take things out on children. This whole not your blood relative is so horrible. The kids don’t choose it and I don’t understand why people can’t just treat everyone well. This is from experience as that child.

You keep mentioning the venue as if that somehow makes it worse he isn't invited. Would you still feel as upset if it were a tiny wedding in a run down town hall?

I don't think the DSD being the only child he'll have is at all relevant and it makes it sound like the child is some kind of consolation prize.

My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours. from this I am guessing they see you on the periphery of their family and you see them likewise.

I would decline, it sends a terrible message to your child. I hope your husband also declines, difficult as it is, and tells his family it is because his new son is not invited and you come as a family or not at all.

People say things like “it’s their wedding, they can do what they want” but in reality it does have long term implications for relationships. You and your DH are hurt by this and will continue to be.

He needs to get across the fact that he's not only upset on your DD's behalf, he's really hurt on his own behalf, because his brother's decision to invite the other children implies that his own version of a family is 'not good enough'.

I completely agree with this. Don't let this be about your DC or you. This is something for your DH and his brother to sort out, it's about their relationship.

I wouldn't go and neither would my DH, we have 4 children but 2 of them happened to be born before we met. I didn't go to my sibling's wedding, we all have our line in the sand.

No it wouldn't, as loyalty is not an issue in THAT context.

Let me explain it for you.

One child has been left out.
THAT is the issue IMO.

ONE child in the family, that happens to be a step child to the grooms brother, the best man.

The earlier wedding has nothing to do with it🙄.
If it had, neither the OP nor her husband should be invited either.🙄

They have singled out one child and excluded them, when other nieces and nephews HAVE been invited.

It is their choice whom they invite, and I wouldn't dream of questioning THEIR choice of guests.

However, MY loyalty to MY child would mean, I wouldn't dream of attending a wedding, where my child was deemed not a member of a family where my husband was best man and brother of the groom.

Not a chance.

Loyalty to MY child would preclude me from attending.

Well put and I agree 100%.

The relationship between the stepchild and the BIL has not been spoken about. It’s relevant. If they don’t know each other, as suspected, why would they feel any loyalty to the child? They have a tiny guest list.

Your loyalty/the OP’s loyalty is not in question, I don’t think many posters think she should go as she’s so upset, but I don’t understand why it is so heinous that a child they don’t really know hasn’t been invited.

Of course, if it transpires they do know this child and are actually very close, that changes things. But somehow, I doubt that’s the case.

It is disrespectful to his brother. His sister's family get invited but his brother's family doesn't.