Husband's brother not invited his step-child

[JaynesSmalls]

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

My siblings live in different countries to me. None of us have spent a lot of time with the others' children due to distance. I would be absolutely devastated if my brother in one country chose to invite my nieces and nephews but not my DC to such an event.

I think your DH has the right of it - there should be a conversation. But I don't think you should be involved. I think he should take his brother out for a drink or something and discuss it. Explain how hurt he (your DH) is that the child he considers his own is being excluded because he doesn't share blood and that it has massively hurt you and, once this child finds out, will devastate him too.

If I was your husband there is no way in hell I would go.
I would go so far as to never speak to my brother again.
I wouldn’t change my mind if they suddenly changed theirs either.

Also, as I see it, the issue is not that your DC isn't invited. its that your DC isn't invited while other DC are! That's totally different to him being upset that he wasn't invited to your wedding.

the more I think about it the cheekier it is that your husband is so annoyed about it when he didn't even invite his own brother to his wedding?!
I don't see how that is relevant when it was a totally different type of wedding with no guests other than parents.
OP is upset because as far as she, het child and hwe DH are concerned DH is her child's father. He doesn't have any other father figure. The lack of invitation for him where his sister's children have been invited demonstrates that the brother hasn't accepted the child as DHs child. That is hurtful

Again, he may not have a relationship with this child, whereas he does with the others.

I’m not actively defending excluding parts of a family, but it is notable that the brother didn’t invite his siblings to his wedding (why?), when he could have done easily, the guest list is very small, the venue is very expensive, and the closeness between the stepchild and the stepuncle is unknown.

I wouldn’t want to pay a vast sum to host a child I didn’t know, when that place could be taken by an appreciate adult friend who I could celebrate with.

He sees your child as “brother’s new wife’s child”. And on that basis, I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable when you’re talking about a very small wedding (although it would have been nice if he could have been more inclusive about it).

They've been married for 4 years though, and presumably were together a while before that? Hardly a new wife.

I would be upset too op. If other children have been invited then it says that your bil hasn't accepted yours. I think your bil is punishing you both for not being invited to your wedding, and think that this will be the retort if your dh pushed. You don't have to go, let one of the new colleagues your bil cares so much about trying to impress go instead.

It isn't about "a" child, it is about a family and he is judging his brother's family to be less than his sister's family. Would you think it was OK if the OP and her husband had adopted a baby, would they be excluded as well? Families come in all shapes and sizes and this family has a mum, a (step) dad and a child. If they are going to an event where families are invited then this is their family and not for some judgemental idiot to decide if it qualifies as a family.

I just don’t see it that way. I am not part of a blended family, however. Maybe that has a bearing on some responses on here.

And adoption is not the same. Parents are on an even footing with adoption.

I fully support the OP’s decision not to go, that’s absolutely her choice. But I don’t think the situation is as black and white as some posts would suggest.

If your husband is best man, he is obviously close to his brother. Why doesn't he just say how he feels and ask what the reason was. My guess is that it's simply lack of thought- they see DC as yours and haven't considered that your DH is in a father-child relationship with them and once he points it out they will be mortified and invite them. Or I might be wrong and they're just arseholes and then at least you'll know.

The groom has asked his brother to be best man, but he has also asked someone else, and now he has decided to exclude his child. He doesn't seem to think very much of his brother so I'm not sure how this relationship can be wrecked.

I would not want to go to a family wedding without my spouse and child (even if it was a step child), the couple would surely not be surprised if your DH politely declined this invitation. That's what I would do if I were him, and go and do something lovely as a family instead.

I know it must be hard for you but you bil probably has a much closer and longer relationship with his nieces and nephews than with a step child of his brother.
Your child was 9 when you got married. How long was your husband in your life before you married ?
Did your bil see your child and build a relationship with him in that time ?

This.

Its petty.

If it's a grievance about your wedding, then they are taking that out on a child which isn't ok.

Weddings shouldn't be 'well I'm only inviting you if you invited me' in mentality. That's playground level stuff.

You had a very small registry office do for personal reasons. You didn't want a fuss. You just wanted the legality. It wasn't personal or vindictive.

He wants a fuss and a big show and that's up to him. But to then be spiteful over not being invited to your wedding is deliberately personal and vindictive especially as he then said any spares would go to work colleagues over your son.

If he was hurt, then he had an active choice to mend and ignore. Instead he's chosen to escalate and drive the knife in. By using your child as a weapon.

Don't go to the wedding. Your relationship with him isn't redeemable at this point. He wants to hurt. You didn't. That's the difference.

I’m just here to find out what the OP’s employer says when she had to go home at lunchtime due to feeling upset about a wedding invitation….

you got to choose who went to your wedding and didn't invite the siblings - now its the siblings wedding you are complaining about their choices...?

you've got some front

Has your DH formally adopted your DD, or is intending to do so?

Ask yourself, honestly, does a 13 year old want to spend the day hanging around at a fancy dressy wedding??
My teenage DC adore weddings so it must depend on the individual.

@Peapodburgundybouquet are you being deliberately obtuse?

The issue in MY opinion is ONE child from the Grooms side, is being excluded.

ONE child being excluded.
One neice or nephew is being excluded.

The grooms depth of relationship with the child is neither here nor there.

Unkind, unpleasant, exclusionary behaviour.

Even worse when they mentioned new colleagues ahead of the child.

I wouldn't go near the wedding.

Unfortunately I would be seriously unimpressed with my husband if he attended.

If my husband felt he should still go, that would be his choice, and I would accept that it was HIS choice.

Likewise he would have to accept that I would deem his actions disloyal and it could well seriously damage my regard for him and our marriage.

Seriously? Is life so black and white for you, you can't fathom why this would be upsetting for someone? If one were to stick "they don't have to" as reasonings not to do anything, they wouldn't have many friends

This works both ways, OP. If your Husband’s family don’t see your son as family, he doesn’t need to see them as family either. In fact it’s better for him if he doesn’t.

LOL

Seriously? Is life so black and white for you, you can't fathom why this would be upsetting for someone? If one were to stick "they don't have to" as reasonings not to do anything, they wouldn't have many friends

It's a double standard. The point is that OP didn't invite her dh's brother to their own wedding, despite inviting his parents? Perhaps the brother was hurt not to be invited to his only brother's wedding? We don't know - but his feelings don't seem to have been taken into account then. Nor do we know how close the brother is to the other nieces and nephews- presumably, he's known them since birth? People have the right to make their own decisions about who comes to their wedding, especially if numbers are limited.

Kicking off about this now will destroy the relationships moving forward. So op boycotts the wedding and makes a big stand about it? What next? Who benefits? Respecting that the bride and groom have made their decision and continuing to try to build bonds with the brother's family is a much more mature and sensible approach, if OP wants her dc to become part of the extended family in the future.

There are different types of step parent... some really aren't parents but rather just 'the mam/dads partner' however in your case it sounds like you DH IS you DS dad.

In situations like this its equal to being an adoptive parent. Just because they aren't 'biological blood' it doesnt matter its the RELATIONSHIP that matter and those who have took on a full time long term parenting role are parents.

I don't think there is anyway to take it except offensively and I wouldn't attend.

Simply put, your child is not a relative of your husbands family. Your husband has accepted them as part of his life, but his family have no obligation to. You can’t force it on them. It’s a world class venue and there are 60 places, I’m not at all surprised your child isn’t invited. I’m also not surprised they extended the invite to their actual family members children who they are probably closer to. Stop with the dramatics and causing a problem between your husband and his family.

I'm a step child and it was made very clear to me by some members of my step dad's family that I was not "real" family. Not "proper" family, despite my step dad being in my life from when I was under two.

It hurt like fuck when I was young and that hurt continued until they died. That attitude definitely bled into some other younger members too. It has probably had a lasting effect too.

Some of the comments about stepchildren on this thread are horrific and really sad.

The OP's registry office wedding is a red herring. She and her DH invited both sets of parents and no one else. If they had invited the parents and her DH's sister then the BIL could feel aggrieved. They were consistent. It is the inconsistency in the BIL's and new SIL's invitations that seems to be making a not very nice point.