Husband's brother not invited his step-child

[JaynesSmalls]

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted.

I’m not really sure how that is relevant here?

Do you see your brother in law and wife to be lots with your own DC-do you all know each other and get on well?

I probably wouldn’t be going to his wedding though. Does your husband want to go?

Why not just don't attend and leave them to have wedding they want?

There wedding is not about you or your husband or child

It is their wedding, you don't have to agree to what they are doing but again not your wedding

In fact the more I think about it the cheekier it is that your husband is so annoyed about it when he didn't even invite his own brother to his wedding?! A small registry office wedding would still be appropriate for siblings if you had a good relationship and if you don't have a good relationship then why get upset he's not inviting the step child??!

I think you need to step back here and let DH act. It's his chance to step up and decide what to do if he wants to decline and "wreck" his relationship with his brother.

I think you should step back and stop playing Mrs Diplomacy.

You cant simultaneously be upset and sad and not let DH take steps to resolve it when it is in everyone's interest to have the confrontation and clear the air one way or another

I wouldn't go round and ask again. DB has made his position clear.

I'd be very hurt in your position. I probably wouldn't go but I'd respect dh for his decision as it's a very tricky situation. However do you think that DB resents you both not inviting him to his brothers wedding? I'd be equally hurt if I was excluded from one of my siblings weddings.

I wouldn't go. I'd want my husband to ask outright why your son isn't invited . They sound spiteful. Imo you invite all children or no children.
If the brother says your son is 'only' the step son then I'd want nothing more to do with any of them

I think being heartbroken is a bit dramatic. It's just a wedding of in-laws. I do think it's rude for your child to not be invited and even worse that he'd put new colleagues before them. That's quite extreme so it makes it sound like your bil has an issue with either your child (unlikely), you or your relationship.
I'd still want my husband to go but, if I was concerned about my child might be upset, I think I'd be tempted to book a weekend away with my child and tell them you'd already booked it before knowing about the wedding. That way they never need know they weren't invited.

@treespouse I know Karma has come to bite me.

Honestly I don't think our not extending an invitation to siblings has anything to do with their not inviting my child.

My husband didn't want a big wedding and given my history neither did I. None of our siblings have ever expressed hurt over it.

Normally I read these threads and think it's crazy that stepchildren are expected to be accepted as equal grandchildren in families, but actually I'm totally with you on this one. Your child is effectively your DH's, and is with you both 100% of the time. We have a similar situation in our extended family and I've never even thought about it, the "stepkid" is treated as equal by everyone, same invites, same presents, etc. I think your BIL is really mean

I’m not sure you have a leg to stand on given they weren’t at your wedding at all. Still up to you if you go or not.

I also think you might need to work on your child’s perception of cousins; not everyone has a close relationship with any cousins, I don’t and most of my friends don’t really, focus her on building friendships with people she has something in common with not buy accident of birth/ her parents marriage.

Ask yourself, honestly, does a 13 year old want to spend the day hanging around at a fancy dressy wedding??

I really doubt it. Bride and groom are prioritising their family and friends, not yours.

I bet the youngsters who do get dragged along for the day will be bored rigid pretty quickly.

If the venue is so special take your child there for tea and cakes sometime.

You have a high sense of entitlement. Just gracefully accept the invitation and farm your kid out for the day.

"I 100% don't want to go but I 100% want him to go as it would wreck his relationship with his brother."

But the relationship is already wrecked... your husband is always going to resent his brother if he goes to the wedding and your daughter doesn't.

His brother clearly didn't think this through very well!

I think I'd just send DH on his own.

I'd just let your husband go without you.

I think a lot of the fairness of this depends on how close they are to your child.

Not nice at all. I wonder how your BIL felt when he wasn't invited to your wedding though.
Might that have some thing to do with it?
Although if that were the case I would have thought that he wouldn't have invited any of you.

It sounds like this is the final straw/ confirmation of a deeper hurt that your husband's family generally don't accept your son as their family and I can understand why that is hurtful.

Maybe it needs addressing with a discussion between husband and his family more generally rather than getting into a damaging row specifically about the wedding.
If your BIL and prospective SIL don't really know your child I can understand them not inviting them but the issue to you really is the hurt that they don't know them.

Personally I'd encourage the honest discussion with his family aside from the wedding and I'd accept the invitation and enjoy the day as special time with OH.

A registry wedding is different form a big wedding with guests.

The kicker for me would be that BIL refused to even add DSC as a first refusal for late drop outs. They are clearly making a point that the DSC is not important and new workmates take precedence over his brothers family.

I'd not go and I'd not try to have any relationship with them from here on, they're your husbands relatives, and nothing to you. As they are demonstrating here.

I think the weirdest thing is that your DH is best man and has only just found out about the wedding! What if he was away?

I know it hurts, but the best thing is if your DH goes alone.

Then see how you want to handle his brother and wife (do you know her?) going forward

I really don't think dragging your DH's parents into it will help matters. His brother has made his choice, your DH just has to decide whether he is going or not. I think you should just stay out of it as otherwise everything will be blamed on you!

Are their kids invited because they play a part in the wedding? Bridesmaids?

Families don't always form a close bond with step-children and that's fine - it's up to them. Putting myself in their shoes - would I rather a close work friend attend my wedding than a child a rarely saw? I know what my answer would be.

If I were you I'd get over it and take the opportunity to have a child-free day out.

It's obvious to me he's laid his cards on the table and he wants to see what reaction he'd get......the only response as I'd give is to just not go and pull back. It's obvious he doesn't see your child as family and he's making a deliberate attempt to cause emotional harm.

Don't go to the wedding and don't bother in future, don't explain why or get into drama over it. And the fact he wasn't invited to your wedding is neither here nor there given you had no siblings and only your parents there. That isn't the issue at all, his only issue is the fact he's a massive cunt.

It’s their wedding u have no right to dictate who they have to invite.
why r u heartbroken they have limited numbers and not enough for the child, u r overthinking it.

Do you really think the 13 year old wanting/not wanting to go is what’s relevant here?

NEVER let anyone in the extended family, blood or not, treat your precious child like a second-class citizen.

Tell DH to go alone, and have nothing to do with them if their attitude is;

You and your DC = are not family

This works both ways;

DH's brother and partner = are not family

I can never understand why people treat those who enter their extended families, less than Vera and John, who live down the road and they say hello to.

I have DC in my extended family who is Bio, adopted, and step and I treat them all the same. A child is precious, no matter the DNA set up.

My MIL and SIL are like this with me. They have told me to my face that I am not family. At first, it hurt, but then I realised they had done me a favour. They aren't nice people, they lack empathy and compassion, and I wouldn't hang out with them if they were not DH's family. I am not their family, making them, not my family, so I have no reason to be anything other than civil and polite to them like I've just walked past them in Tesco, and nothing more.