Husband's brother not invited his step-child

[JaynesSmalls]

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

How is it odd? I can understand couples not accompanying each other to the supermarket or a night out with friends, but it’s pretty much the norm for couples to attend weddings together.

Often things that are described as "the norm" are quite odd. There's nothing logical about this, no reason why a wedding full of other guests you're close to would be something you couldn't enjoy attending alone, no inherent reason your partner must be there.

How about the reason that your child wasn’t invited but your siblings children were? You would just go and enjoy yourself then just because other guests you’re related to are going?

That’s odd.

I think that's the whole point of the discussion. He chose to invite people he was not close to, like new co-workers rather than a child his brother is raising, blood or no blood. And dh's issue was not his partner not being there. It was a child he cares for, who is a nice kid by groom's admission and has tried to be a part of the family, being unfairly excluded and his wife undoubtedly being hurt. And if there's no reason a partner must be there, then let's all save money by eliminating plus ones for singles, especially when we often don't know their date.

let's all save money by eliminating plus ones for singles, especially when we often don't know their date.

I have only ever seen this on American sitcoms. In real life, have never been to a wedding where generic plus ones were invited, only long term boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses/fiancées

@Clarabell77 That's not what I was discussing. I was discussing the comment questioning why someone would go to a wedding without their partner.

Same goes for @ITryHarder. Although yes, I do think it's absolutely fine not to invite plus one's you don't know, and just to invite people you actually know, even if they're half of a couple. I think it's silly how much people stubbornly stick to the tradition that this shouldn't be the case.

Yes, in the context of it being suggested as a reasonable solution to the situation the OP described. Not only that, the OP was berated for the fact that that was not the solution.

Agree with you @Bansheed, I cannot fathom the ugliness of some families and their petty unkindness.

I think the BIL is a disgrace and the rest of the family not much better.

@RedToothBrush excellent analysis and likely on the money.

How ugly and vulgar they are.

I cannot imagine the private reactions of those listening to the BIL and hus speech, unless they too are a Jeremy Kyle class of people that appreciate such classless behaviour🙄.

Tacky doesn't come near it.

I really hope you step back and think long and hard about your involvement and protect your precious son from the dregs of a family you have married into.

Mark my words, only the utter dregs behave as your BIL has done.

Wishing you well.

Wow, and here's me thinking the bride and groom preferred to invite their friends to their wedding instead of some kid they don't really know.

The OP has red flag written all over her. Using an expression like 'world class' speaks volumes.

I guess you don't live in the USA. Aside from American sitcoms, it's quite common to add a plus-1 to single adults if you can afford it. If you can't, you probably shouldn't be having a big fancy wedding in the first place. Oh, but I forgot. It's also quite common to have a big, fancy wedding you really can't afford, and then wonder why you can't afford a house or a new car when you blew every penny on an affair that lasts a few hours. All down the toilet when they divorce in a few years. Love, ain't it wonderful!

Wow, mentioning the “why” in the speech was a bit crass! I would have been cringing as a guest. Oh well. Onwards and upwards, OP.

It’s called “context”.

If I was that last minute new work colleague I'd be feeling crap.

And I doubt anyone would cheer the brother -yeah you show that child whose the boss.

Presumably they know him better and for longer than some random new colleague who is probably totally unknown to one of the "happy" couple.

Were I a guest at this wedding, even if I thought BIL was right (I don't), I would really start to question the character of someone who used a speech at their own wedding to shit on an absent family member.

The man made himself look a total twat on his own wedding day, all to make sure a kid and her parents got the message about her standing in the extended family. Maybe DH, OP and DC really would be better off if they never spoke again!

But the random colleague is probably more fun at parties.

So many that underscore the difference between the mindsets that result in one type of couple thinking it’s “Our Big Day!” and another type of couple who truly “requests the honor of your presence”.

So many posts, that is…

It certainly wasn't a 'world class' wedding if the groom really did air his dirty laundry in his speech, outlining how he and his brother fell out about invitations. Mortified for him, making people sit there cringing listening to that.

"...instead of a kid they don't really know". That's the most pathetic thing about this whole situation - that a brother's stepson the groom knows well enough to say he's a nice kid and lives in the same city, has been in the family for four years, and yet, readers assume they don't know him. I would love to know how family events played out over the previous 4 years. If, as OP said, he's never been invited or the cousins never accept, something's terribly wrong in this family, and it's impossible to piece together because, I suspect, there's so much more OP didn't tell us. That's her prerogative, but it kind of leaves us with a whole lot of suppositions. And I'm kind of disappointed in her dh that he has allowed this treatment to go on for 4 years. The writing was on the wall, and I would have packed up my family and moved away.

It is interesting, though, to see how many of the respondents like to assume the worse or would have no problem dumping on a family member or screwing over a friend, all for the sake of 'I want it my way'. That tells a bigger story than OPs wedding dilemma.

It's a British site so most people including the OP don't live in the US.

No, it's called status orientated and entitled

It’s a pertinent fact, OP is explaining that numbers will be tight because it’s an expensive venue. She hasn’t booked the place and isn’t going, so how is it status oriented and entitled?

Yes, I assumed so from MUMsnet, but I enjoy reading it sometimes. I get a kick out of your slang like bloody and slag. Even shag I hear in movies; much nicer than what is often used. Nice talking to you from 'across the pond'.